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Breaking up with someone is never easy. And I’m not even talking about a real breakup, where you may need to reclaim your toothbrush or vacate some drawer space and you might actually cry. I’m just talking about those awkward, “I’d-rather-be-at-the-dentist” moments when you have to turn someone down. It’s downright uncomfortable having to tell someone no, so what do we find ourselves repeatedly doing instead? Not saying anything at all. Or worse, saying yes and then feeling very, very resentful.
Now I can only speak for myself, but I’d be willing to bet good money that you would much rather someone give you their best yes (or be honest and politely decline) than pretend to be interested when they’re not or completely ignore you. Right? So why don’t we operate this way ourselves? Why can’t we be, as the saying goes, the change we want to see in the world?
One reason: women hate to say “no.”
As women, we so often want to keep the peace, don’t we? We want to please others and try to make them happy. It’s sort of a natural extension of that whole “if that mocking bird don’t sing, mama’s gonna buy you a diamond ring” thing. I believe it’s simply the way God made us. In right order, this behavior serves us well in our relationships. But when we aim to please others at our own expense, we give away our power. And that, my friends, is no bueno.
We’ve all been there, though. Surely you remember that time your neighbor roped you into participating in her cookie exchange (which you later found out required 5 dozen baked-from-scratch cookies that couldn’t be the same flavor as anyone else’s cookies and oh, can you make them gluten free?). Or that time your kid’s preschool asked if you could pretty please call every single parent who signed up to bring an item for the upcoming classroom party to remind them of exactly what they had signed up to bring and, despite the fact that these people are grownups who can read and presumably have the bandwidth to remember a bag of chips, you graciously agreed through gritted teeth. Saying yes when you want to say no is a go-to recipe for stress topped with a giant glob of pull-your-hair-out resentment. #amirite?
Being on the flip side of this equation is no better. I was recently faced with this very issue and I’m not gonna lie. I played ostrich for a couple of weeks and intentionally stuck my head in the sand, pretending that if I ignored the issue long enough it would forget about me and go away. Do you think that worked? (Spoiler alert: it didn’t).
It was a situation in which someone had submitted a proposal to me (about techie stuff for this blog, actually) and I was deciding whether to hire her. I ultimately decided to go in another direction but the thought of telling her no was killing me. It didn’t help that I liked her personally and believed she was totally capable of getting the job done. Saying yes, however, simply didn’t feel right. So, I hemmed and hawed with myself and made up a bunch of stories in my head about how I didn’t want to hurt her feelings and that she’d take the hint from my silence, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
That got old fast, though. I’m a phoenix. Behaving like an ostrich is like, the exact opposite of my life’s purpose. I started thinking about what I would want if I was the one waiting to hear back. And I knew what I had to do.
I picked up the phone and called her live. I didn’t hide behind a text or an email. I told her the honest truth and you know what? She was very gracious and professional about it. Oh, and bonus: neither of us died. Holla!
That evening, I got an email from her thanking me. She said every now and then she’ll prepare a proposal for a potential client and not hear back and she always wonders why. She actually appreciated that I told her no and didn’t leave her hanging.
Will wonders never cease! You see? Be the change you want to see in the world! We want to teach our children how to live in alignment with their priorities by actually living that way ourselves. That kind of unapologetic confidence is born from being decisive.
Be decisive alongside me. Need I remind you, girlfriend: you are a phoenix—not an ostrich.
Remember that time invested in one area is time away from another. If it’s not your best yes, don’t say yes.
By saying “no,” you’re creating an opportunity for someone else to shine and give her best yes. See how beautifully that works out?
So next time you’re faced with having to say no, say it. You can still be your warm and fuzzy self. Just be powerful enough to reply, “If I say yes to this, then I’d be saying no to [time with my family] or [time I blocked to work out] or [(fill in the blank)].” And if saying it on the spot feels too scary you can always fall back on, “Let me give it some thought and I’ll get back to you.” Give yourself some time to think, pray or feel about it, come up with kind but honest words to use, and then get back to that person and just say no.
Take back your power, girlfriend. You’re way too cute to be hiding your awesome head in the sand anyway.