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No family is perfect. I think we all know this, inherently, but was I the only mom in America who was kind of relieved to get certain confirmation that even the Royal Family has issues? (By the way, if you have no idea what I’m talking about, you must check out Meghan Markle and Prince Harry’s incredibly raw interview with Oprah. Make some popcorn beforehand. You’ll thank me later).
For an hour and a half, I watched on the edge of my seat as the Duchess of Sussex poured her heart out to Oprah about the pain, isolation and cruelty she endured at the hands of the British media during her tenure as a senior working member of the Royal Family. I was fascinated by her honesty and bravery. Riveted, I found myself nodding in agreement and commenting out loud despite being alone in my home office. “Yes,” I said, more than once. “I totally agree.”
I’m not a world-famous princess, I get that. And no, the British media (or, um, any media for that matter) isn’t watching my every move and plotting how they can assassinate my character before the nation while my majestic in-laws look on, smiling.
But I think we can all relate to bits of what Meghan shared, don’t you? I mean, hasn’t anyone ever treated you unfairly or said things about you that were completely false?
When my husband and I first started dating, he was navigating this weird, financial dynamic with his family. As the first to graduate from high school, then college, and then graduate school, he was expected by his parents and siblings alike to pay for them when they got together for family events—even if the event was his own birthday. If one of them fell behind on a bill, his phone would ring.
They weren’t even grateful. They expected it.
It was clear to me as an outsider that his family didn’t want to acknowledge the truth, which was that he had built himself up from scratch. He had busted his ass to pay his tuition and pass his exams, and even as a full-blown professional he never stopped hustling. With that truth came a hard pill to swallow: they could do it too, if they worked hard enough. It was much easier for them to believe that he was simply “lucky,” and that he suddenly “got rich.”
So they held their hands out instead. And my husband, for his part, forked it over.
By the time I came into the picture, he was sick and tired of that dance. Realizing that he had been complicit by stepping in tune to the music for so long, he slowly, deliberately changed the moves. He started to push back. He asked his family to pay their portions of the bill at restaurants. He refused to give them money willy nilly.
And let me tell you: they did not like it.
Unfortunately for me, my husband had changed his tune right around the inception of our relationship. And his family, not believing for one second that he could have grown so defiant on his own, chose to blame me.
So yeah, that was a fun way to start things off.
For months, they whispered behind my back about how I wouldn’t “let” my then-boyfriend give them money (false) because I had gotten him his “cushy” job working for a global conglomerate financial institution through my law firm (false) and felt entitled to tell him how to spend his paycheck. False, false, false. Mind you, however, no one had the guts to say any of that nonsense to my face, or to his.
And then he asked me to marry him.
It wasn’t until my bridal shower, when none of the women of his family bothered to show up, that I became crushingly aware they harbored such ill feelings toward me. I was devastated.
That’s when it all came out—everything they had been saying and had believed about me that wasn’t true. And I’m not gonna lie. I didn’t take it well. I felt victimized and betrayed. I was angry at the unfairness of it all. And although my husband was fuming at his family and very squarely in my corner, I felt alone.
What I eventually learned from that experience, and what Meghan reminded me as she spoke so candidly to Oprah, is that it is vital in those moments to know who you are. But like, really know it, deep in your core.
You’re kind. You’re smart. You’re important. You can do hard things. You don’t give up easily.
When you know those things about yourself, no one can take them away from you. When you truly know who you are, you can center yourself in that certainty to draw strength. No matter what anyone else says about you.
Listen, girlfriend, people are probably gonna hate on you at some point in your life. Maybe they’ll be strangers who envy that you’re putting yourself out there and wanna put you down to feel better about themselves. Maybe they’ll be your own family. Being certain about who you are doesn’t necessarily make it hurt less. As Meghan showed us, it’s ok to feel the hurt. Even royals cry. But it does make it easier to see your choices.
We get to decide what we do with those experiences. We get to choose if we’re going to find the lesson and allow it to make us stronger. How we show up for ourselves is completely up to us.
A decade and two kids later, my in-laws and I get along better than I had thought possible. My husband released the elephant from the room, set them straight, and we haven’t looked back since.
OK, fine.
Every once in a blue moon, I look back. But I’m clear now on why I created that experience and what I took from it. I’m grateful for it, because it revealed a blind spot and gave me an opportunity to grow immensely.
And as Meghan so beautifully reminded the world, we all get those opportunities.
The next time you get one, my encouragement to you is to remember who you are. Choose to find the lesson in the hurt and to absorb the strength that comes with experiencing it.
Show up like a real-life princess. As it turns out, we’re not so different after all.
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