Author Archives: Nikki Oden

Too Busy to Take Care of Yourself? Here’s What You Can Do

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It’s not easy to juggle a variety of activities all at once, from caring for your family to making time for yourself. Momming is a constant balancing act. Often times the scale tips unevenly, and we end up neglecting our own interests.

If you’re experiencing this right now, know you are not alone. UPI states parental burnout is prevalent in the United States, with nearly 8% of parents reporting high levels of exhaustion and lack of self-fulfillment. This serious phenomenon has consequences not only for the parents themselves but also for their children, so you shouldn’t write off self-care as something you “don’t have time for” by moving it to the bottom of your list.

Here are a few ideas that can help you start taking better care of yourself, even if (like most moms) you’re saddled with a busy schedule.

Incorporate movement into your routine

Physical activity can work wonders for your mood, sleep cycle, and energy levels by stimulating the feel-good chemicals in your brain, like serotonin and dopamine. Of course, the big question you might be asking yourself is, I’m already busy, so how can I find time to exercise? 

Don’t fret! You don’t have to worry about actually going to the gym. You can easily get your dose of physical activity from the comfort of your own home. For starters, CNN recommends a meditation routine that combines yoga, balance, and breathing techniques to help reduce your stress. It only takes five minutes tops, which means you can do it on a yoga mat while waiting for your coffee to brew, or even in front of your desk during a screen-time break.

Enlist help from health experts

Being busy can sometimes keep us from eating healthily, too. With the amount of research and preparation that goes into making healthy choices, it never hurts to relieve ourselves from all the stress and ask for professional help. WeightWatchers’ weight loss programs include expert advice from dietitians and nutritionists, so you can follow a science-based meal plan that aligns with both your nutritional needs and daily lifestyle. Everything is accessible from the app as well. You can learn about the specific nutritional info of food and the right portion sizes, then track your meals using the Points system.

Learn how to say no

Part of why we scramble to find time for ourselves is because of our tendency to prioritize others’ needs over our own, which usually results in us spreading ourselves too thin. But, as we discussed in the advice for When You Fall Off the Wagon, learning how to say no to others is a step towards saying yes to ourselves. It’s vital to hold your boundaries and step back when you know you can’t fully commit to a request or a new task. Make lists or brain-dump into your journal to help you discern the right priorities or even rebalance them. And of course, you should always feel free to ask for more time to think before you make a final decision.

Talk to the people around you

To better address burnout, it helps to talk to other people instead of shouldering the burden all by yourself. It might require a bit of time and effort to share your thoughts and feelings with others, but the benefits ultimately outweigh the costs.

A New York Times article explains how being open about your struggles, regardless if they’re about parenting or not, can help you feel seen, heard, and understood. Talking isn’t always about finding ways to solve or improve your situation, however. The compassion and empathy you receive from your partner, friends, or other family members who listen can go a long way.

Lastly, healthy self-expression includes sharing the good with others, too! Whenever you talk about a recent milestone or even a small thing that made you happy that day, it helps to reinforce these good experiences in your brain.

Self-care is a continuous process, so every small step already counts as progress! Learn more about how to love your life without the mom guilt by checking out the rest of the posts on the blog.

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When It Doesn’t Work Out

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I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I am fiercely loyal and I love deeply. I make friends quickly and I trust easily.  Those traits allow me to have meaningful connections and incredible experiences.  

They also, inevitably, set me up for some heartache and disappointment along the way.  

I had one of those experiences recently. Without getting into the gory details, I’ll simply say it was the grownup equivalent of having your best classmate tell you she doesn’t want to play with you anymore. Over text message. Complete with that old, “It’s not you, it’s me” song and dance. 

[Cue major eye roll]. 

But silly as it sounds now, I was upset when it happened. OK, I’ll be totally honest:  I was crushed.  I had thought this person was my friend, and that we were going to create some amazing results on a joint endeavor we had been working on together.  I felt blindsided when she told me (via text) that our partnership wasn’t working for her and that she wanted to explore other options.  

It was like being dumped.  Used.  Discarded.

So I let myself feel all the feels.  I cried.  I engaged in negative self-talk (“Do I suck?” “What’s wrong with me?” “Am I not good enough?”). And after fully experiencing my emotions (except for the one where I wanted to go Office Space on a printer), I released it.  

And, as I always strive to do after any life experience, I reflected on what this particular rejection taught me.  Here’s what I took away, and what I’ll help my kids take away when something doesn’t work out for them: 

  • Always listen to your intuition.

Or, put another way, trust your gut.  During our “friendship,” I got little glimpses of this person that made me wonder if she was truly as genuine as she seemed, but I quickly brushed off those thoughts as unwarranted negativity, or paranoia, or another case of me “being in my head.” 

In hindsight, of course, it all fits together.  Your intuition will never steer you wrong, girlfriend.  There’s an old saying:  when people tell you who they are, listen.  

In this case, listening to my intuition would have spared me the heartache.  But I don’t actually regret the way things went down.  (More on that in a sec’).  

I am grateful, however, that I can see where my intuition was trying to point me, if for no other reason than it’s comforting to know I can depend on that gift when it really matters.   

  • Remember The Moana Principle.

I’ve explained The Moana Principle before, but in case you don’t remember, I’ll quickly fill you in.  

In the Disney movie, Moana, there’s a part when she’s navigating the ocean on a raft, lost and alone, searching for Maui, a demi-god no one has seen in like, hundreds of years.  She has absolutely no idea how she’s going to find him, and in a moment of desperate faith, she calls on the ocean for help.  

The ocean, being the ocean, promptly throws her into a tumultuous storm while she hangs on for her life in terror.  The next morning, she finds herself shipwrecked on an island, frazzled and disoriented and seemingly no closer to finding Maui. Furious, she curses the ocean for toying with her, but in the next moment, who does she discover just happens to be stranded on that island too? 

Maui.  

The ocean delivered her right to him.  

You see the metaphor, right? 

Sometimes the fastest way to get from where you are to where you need to be is through a total sh*tstorm. 

This phenomenon is what I call The Moana Principle. 

And I’m starting to believe this recent experience will soon reveal itself to be one of those blessings in disguise.  I can already see how things are aligning and coming together for my benefit now that this partnership has ended, and I have complete trust and faith that I’m going to reach my goals even faster because it ended.  

It didn’t feel good when it was happening, but it’s clear to me now that it needed to happen.  

So next time life throws you a storm, try to see it for what it is:  a shortcut to bigger and better.  Don’t resist it; don’t curse it. Don’t shut your eyes and wish it wasn’t happening. Obviously, you need to experience it.  After all, it’s taking you exactly where you want to go.  

  • Regret is a choice. 

Remember earlier, when I said I don’t regret the way this whole scenario went down? Here’s what I mean by that:  had I avoided the heartache, I also would have missed out on the fun.  

I had some great times with this person while it lasted, and learned strategies and skills I probably would not have otherwise learned if she and I hadn’t been pushing toward a goal together.  I don’t regret that for one second.  

Realize that regret is a choice, girlfriend.  And when we choose regret instead of choosing to see the value that exists in every experience, we allow ourselves to be robbed.  

I don’t know about you, but I refuse to feel robbed.  More importantly, I’m teaching my kids about that choice.  I’m showing them exactly what it looks like—ugly tears and all—to move on after feeling sad and rejected, and how to turn tough experiences into powerful life lessons.  

We are forged in the fire, my friend. Sometimes, it’s just not supposed to work out.   But disappointment and heartache only make us stronger, and you know what?  They make us better mamas too. 

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This Hack Will Declutter Your Home (and Your Life)

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Have you ever opened a closet or a cupboard and thought, “When the heck did we accumulate all this stuff?” 

Duh, that’s a rhetorical question because you’re a mom, and therefore, of course you have.  

At this time last year, my husband and I were seriously considering an opportunity in his career that would have required us to move out of state.  One day during the lengthy interview process, I opened a cabinet under my bathroom sink, saw all the clutter and thought, “Am I really going to pack all of this and move it?  And if not, then why am I keeping it—even if we don’t move?” 

That one question helped me declutter every drawer, cabinet and closet in my house. 

And I didn’t do it overnight, or even in one week.  But once I started, it became my priority every time I had a spare moment.  I would ask myself that question as I went through all of our stuff—toiletries, Tupperware, toys, clothes, linens, everything. 

And let me tell you:  it was so cathartic. Not only did I purge a bunch of stuff I was no longer using and create a much more organized home, I was able to donate most of the items to charity, which felt really good.  

In the end, we didn’t end up moving.  But it was still a worthwhile exercise because it allowed me to declutter my home and, in turn, my life! 

So if you have a little or—ahem—a lot of clutter in your house, pick one drawer, one cabinet or one closet and try this hack.  Whether you’re moving or not, it’s quite effective. 

Now I know you might be thinking, “But Nikki!  What if I do end up needing this stuff? That’s why I’m keeping it!  Because I might one day need it again!” 

Listen, I hear ya.  I often have had that hoarder-like mentally too.

But the truth is, if you haven’t used it in over a year, you’re probably not gonna. 

And if parting with it still feels too final, just grab one of those big plastic storage bins with a lid from Target and put the stuff that doesn’t meet the “would I pack this and move it” test in there. Then find a place for the bin in your garage. If after another six months to a year, you still haven’t touched it, it’s time to say goodbye. 

So there you have it!  My hack for decluttering your home and your life.  Try it out and let me know how it goes! 

Here’s to making room in our lives for what matters most.  

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Are You a Quitter?

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Today is January 19th. For most, today is just a Wednesday (unless it also happens to be your birthday, in which case, happy birthday!).  Productivity nerds like me, however, know today is no ordinary day.  

Today is Quitter’s Day.  

Did you even know that was a thing?  It’s a term that was coined in 2019 by fitness platform Strava after conducting a study involving 800 million people in which they discovered that January 19th is the day 80% of folks give up on the goals they set in the New Year.  

Dang! So soon!  

I’ll admit that I was shocked to learn this statistic (I thought most people at least made it to the first week in February), but after giving it some thought, I suppose it’s not all that surprising.  

After all, when we close out one year and head into the next, we’re excited.  We’re idealistic.  

And sometimes, we’re also unrealistic.  

Now, let’s get one thing straight.  I hate the word “realistic” when it comes to goal setting.  Despite what conventional goal-setting wisdom might tell you, setting huge goals is the way to go. I’m in the “set-crazy-unrealistic-ginormous” goals camp. 

But realize there’s a difference between setting a goal so big it terrifies you, and taking a first step towards that goal that’s just as big.  

Remember, although your goals for this year should be audacious, and should, in fact, be borderline unrealistic, it’s OK—in fact, it’s necessary—to start small.  Oftentimes when we give up on a big goal quickly, it’s because the first step we attempted to take in achieving it was way too big. 

If that’s you, trust me, you’re not alone.   

Here’s how you get back on track:

➡️ Start with what you’re going to have to accomplish on a monthly basis.  What action step can you take each month that, if done consistently for 12 months, would result in you achieving each BHAG?  Notice I said step, singular. You’re simply deciding on one monthly milestone.  So, for example, if your annual goal was to lose 100 pounds, your monthly milestone might be to lose 8 pounds. 

But if you’re going to stay focused (and away from the quitter’s table), we’ve gotta trim it down even more. 

➡️ Next, decide what’s the one activity you can do this week to ensure you achieve your monthly milestone?  

Often as you’re answering this question, your first several responses will be milestones as well.  Keep asking yourself the question until you get down to an activity.  Using the weight-loss example, the activity might be to walk five miles. (Side note:  Remember you’re coming up with something you can do.  There’s no point in choosing something that sounds good but you know you won’t actually do because it’s too hard or time-consuming).  

➡️ Finally, whittle it down to the granular by asking yourself, “What’s the one task I can do each day to ensure I complete my weekly activity?” Go as small as you can until you get down to a single task. In keeping with the weight-loss example, perhaps the task might be something as simple as, “Be in bed with face washed and teeth brushed by 9:30 PM” because that will ensure you wake up on time to go for your walk.  

See where we’re going with this?  We’re making big, hairy and audacious bite-sized.  

You ain’t no quitter, mama! This is your year! 

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Your Mom Life Manifesto

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We did it.  We made it through another year of raising humans.  It’s the beginning of January, and we have a beautiful, deliciously blank slate ahead of us. 

So . . . now what? 

I say we declare our intentions for this year.  Here’s my mom life manifesto for 2022:

  • I give myself permission to put my needs first.
  • I choose to make time for self preservation every day. 
  • I choose to pursue my biggest, hairiest, most audacious goals and dreams.  
  • I understand that I must take care of myself to be able to take care of my children and my family. 
  • I allow myself to try new things, and choose to take the first step because I know the next step will reveal itself. 
  • I refuse to be sidelined by mom guilt.  
  • I give myself permission to say no to people and things that do not serve me. 
  • I choose not to compare myself to other moms.  
  • I choose to surround myself with people who are encouraging, supportive and hold me accountable. 
  • I give myself permission to let go of perfectionism. 
  • I choose to create harmony over balance.  
  • I choose to focus on quality instead of quantity when I spend time with my children.  
  • I allow myself to experience my emotions.  
  • I allow myself to fall down, and I choose to get back up and keep going. 
  • I give myself permission to ask others for help.  
  • I choose to speak to myself the way I would speak to someone I love.  
  • I believe that to love others more fully, I must first and foremost love myself. 

Today, I’m encouraging you to adopt your own mom life manifesto. Or, if you like mine, CLICK HERE to print it out and put it somewhere you’ll see it every day. 

This is our year, girlfriend!  I can’t wait to see what you create.

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When You Fall Off the Wagon

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Have you ever been totally rocking something—like you were showing up every day, doing the work, looking in the mirror saying “Consistency is my middle name!”—and then completely fallen off the wagon?  

Maybe for you it was eating well and exercising as you worked toward a weight loss goal.  Perhaps you were on a meditation streak, or you were honoring your morning routine and faithfully making time just for you.  

In my case, it was all of those things, because I had consistently been time blocking my weeks and owning my days.  

And then suddenly, I wasn’t.  

It happened so slowly that even now, as I deliberately reflect on what went wrong, I can’t pinpoint when it began.  One day I noticed that I wasn’t waking up as early as I had intended, which meant I wasn’t honoring my morning routine.  That, in turn, meant I wasn’t meditating, praying or journaling on a regular basis, nor was I working on my biggest professional goal, which is to finish writing my novel.   

It also meant my exercise equipment got dusty, my knives, cutting boards and pans went unused in favor of takeout, and the laundry situation in my household became utterly dire.  

I found that I wasn’t owning my time at all.  I was allowing other people to dictate what I did and when I did it, instead of honoring my priorities and setting boundaries to protect my glass balls.  I was getting sucked into what seemed urgent but, upon reflection, wasn’t actually important.   

On Sundays, when I looked back on the week I’d just had, I realized I hadn’t touched many of the things that support my life’s goals—the things that fill me up and make me feel like I’m making a massive impact on the world.  

And then *ish* finally hit the fan. 

I landed a speaking role with the women’s initiative of a very prestigious law firm to speak to their female lawyers about burnout which, as an expert, I know is caused almost entirely by struggles with time management.  The moderator of the event and I scheduled a time to hop on Zoom to prepare, but because I have been spread so thin, and become so out of practice with time blocking, I missed the call. 

Yeah. That happened.

And although she was the epitome of grace and we rescheduled and smoothed everything out, I realized (after bursting into tears and momentarily indulging the part of me that wanted to wallow and feel like a total fraud and a complete failure), that there was only one way to get out of this rut I had fallen into. 

I needed to get back to practicing what I preach. 

The point of this rather embarrassing story is twofold.  First, I want you to take away that even those of us who literally teach a course on this subject can fall off the wagon and find ourselves once again on the Hot Mess Express.  Take comfort in knowing that no one is perfect at this stuff.  We working mamas are all in this together and we all have opportunities for growth. 

Second, this experience has shown me in real time how incredibly important it is to plan your days and honor your plans, and precisely how quickly things can spiral into chaos when you don’t.  And the beauty of having fallen down is that now I get to pick myself back up, and share with you how you can too (if, hypothetically speaking, you were ever to find yourself in this situation). The timing on this is actually kind of perfect with the New Year around the corner anyway. 

Here’s how I recommend you get back on the horse: 

1) Identify what most likely derailed you. 

In my case, it was saying yes when I should have been saying no (politely, of course). I had taken on this false belief that I could successfully bite off more than I could chew.  I knew better, and yet I did it anyway, and the result was exactly what you would expect.

Remember that time invested in one area is time away from another. If it’s not your best yes, don’t say yes.

By saying “no,” you’re creating an opportunity for someone else to shine and give her best yes. See how beautifully that works out?

So next time you’re faced with having to say no, say it.  Be powerful enough to reply, “If I say yes to this, then I’d be saying no to [time with my family] or [time I blocked to work out] or [(fill in the blank)].”  And if saying it on the spot feels too scary you can always fall back on, “Let me give it some thought and I’ll get back to you.”  Give yourself some time to think, pray or feel about it, come up with kind but honest words to use, and then get back to that person and just say no. 

Sometimes saying no to others is the only way to say yes to yourself. 

2) Make a “to-don’t” list.  

I’mma encourage you to go nuts with this.  Indulge your inner tantruming child and emphatically say no to every single thing you just do not want to do.  Lay it all out there on the paper.  

Even if in the end, you truly must keep some of those things on your list, admitting that you don’t want to do it anymore will prompt you  to figure out a way to make those items less taxing by outsourcing help or implementing a new system.  

3) Purge the clutter from your mind. 

When my mind is cluttered with every single thing I need to get done from every area of my multi-faceted life, from lawyering to momming to Your Ideal Mom Life to the PTA, I feel crippled by overwhelm. And when I pause to think about it, I realize I feel like I’m drowning because I haven’t been doing a regular mental dump. 

Take it from me: the mental dump is vital.  And [bonus,] it’s so easy. All you have to do is jot down every single “to do item” weighing on your mind.  Just get it out of your head and onto paper.  

I’m talking everything, my friend.  It doesn’t matter what area of your life it pertains to.  It doesn’t matter if it’s big or small.  It doesn’t matter how long it’s been on your list.  It doesn’t matter if you think you’ll never have time to do it.  If it’s on your mind, dump it onto the paper. 

Once it’s all out and captured in one place, it can be sorted, prioritized and (ta da!) cross-referenced against your to-don’t list.  

And gurrrrl, let me tell you. Getting it out feels so good. 

4) Remember what it is you truly want. 

I’m certain that I have derailed so much in these last few months because I haven’t been focusing on what I want. And the only way to truly manage your time and own your day when you’re a working mom is to be certain about what you want out of life.

Because I haven’t been giving attention to what I want, I haven’t been taking the right action, and because I haven’t taken proper action, I haven’t manifested what I want.  Instead, I have been spinning around in circles every week. 

So I’m regaining clarity, and if you’re in this boat with me, I’m encouraging you to do the same. 

Figure out from a “big picture” level what your personal and professional goals are. I recommend having a maximum of three annual goals for both your personal and professional lives.  Remember, once you know what those are, you can back into what you need to accomplish on a monthly, weekly and daily basis to achieve those goals, and prioritize those items on your calendar. 

Which brings me to my final tip.  

5) Prioritize and block it out. 

This part is easy.  Remembering that not everything matters equally, and that the balls representing the major areas of your life are made of either rubber or glass, makes prioritizing a breeze.  Quite simply, the glass balls must come first.  

By this point in the process, you’ve already surveyed what’s on your plate (the mental dump), what you’re scraping off of it (your to-don’t list), and what’s most important to you.  Now, all you have to do is calendar it.  

And spoiler alert:  it’s not all going to fit into this week.  But that’s OK.  We are still crushing it, and still on track, because we are focusing on what matters most. 

We all have setbacks.  We all fall down or get knocked off course.  The key is owning it so we can dust ourselves off and get back up.  

Here’s to getting back on the horse, mama. I’m right there with you and I cannot wait to see what you create.

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The Working Mom’s Pro Tip for Learning Something New

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You know that old adage, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks?” Do you ever feel like it sort of applies to you now that you’re a mom with grown up bills and a house to take care of and humans who literally depend on you to live? 

I’ll admit I’ve definitely had that thought a time or two since my days as a twenty-something (and yikes—even a thirty-something) are over.  And yet, I long to learn new things.  

One of my personal goals this year is to learn how to play chess. Or, more accurately, re-learn.  It’s a game I grew up playing sporadically when I’d visit my grandfather in South America, and one my dad and sister play well.  Chess has been around forever—it’s one of the oldest games in the world—and teaches you the skills of strategic and critical thinking. It requires you to be completely present with your opponent as you play.  That’s one of the things I love most about it. 

And I’ll admit, The Queen’s Gambit definitely had something to do with my renewed interest in the game.  

Along the way, however, I’ve forgotten a lot of the rules.  So I decided this year that I’d pick it up again and re-teach myself.  Lofty, right?  I mean, it sounded good, but then I became paralyzed by the how of it.  

“Who can teach me?”  

“Are there resources online?”  

“What’s the first step in learning?”  

I almost didn’t even start, but then I recalled that my dad had bought a chess set for my kiddos and, along with it, a children’s book on how to play.  

So I started there.  With a children’s book.  It breaks the game down into easy-to-understand concepts intended to be consumed by a ten-year-old, and as it turns out, is a marvelous way for a crazy busy, not-twenty-and-not-even-thirty-anymore working mom of two to learn as well.  

And let me tell you, girlfriend—it worked!  

That got me thinking.  Maybe learning something new by consuming the kid version first could be a thing.  Why not? 

By necessity, the kid version won’t be complicated.  It will be straightforward, with examples that actually teach you the concept without trying to trick you, and will build slowly, one concept after another.  Depending on the subject matter, the kid version might even gameify the learning process.  

And did you ever notice that folks who started working on their craft when they were kids tend to be really good at them? Yes, they’ve been practicing for years. But I think there’s also a correlation there with the way they learned.  

Exciting, right?  Think of the possibilities!  Sewing. Cake decorating. Scrapbooking. Cooking. Photography. Coding. Even sports. 

After figuring out this new “kid trick,” I asked my tennis coach to teach me how to improve my game by doing drills with me that he does with my daughter.  “I don’t care if it seems silly or pointless.  I want to learn,” I told him.  He took me up on it, and I held true to my word, doing the drills that seemed like they were too simple to actually be teaching me anything, until one day, I realized we had completely transformed my swing through a series of small, fundamental yet easy-to-implement changes.  

You should see my forehand now, mama.  It’s pretty awesome, if I do say so myself. 

So if you think you’re an old dog who can’t learn new tricks, I say hogwash!  After all, anyone can do anything.  Why not you?

Try it out. Teach yourself something new, starting with a children’s guide.  And while you’re at, let me know how it goes.  I can’t wait to see what you create, girlfriend. 

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Not everyone is going to think you’re awesome, and that’s ok. They’re wrong, though.

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My love language is “words of affirmation,” which I always thought was adorable . . . until I realized that I’m sort of saying I need other people to tell me how awesome I am to feel worthy or loved. 

Wait.  That doesn’t sound powerful . . . 

But it has played out that way in real life:  with me craving, more than I’d like to admit, affirmation and praise as a way to feel good enough.  

Good enough as a lawyer.  Good enough as a podcaster. Good enough as an author and a business owner.  Good enough as a mom.

Do you ever go there, too?

Recently, someone ranked me at the bottom of their list. In my mind, they were saying, We don’t care how hard you’ve been working.  We still think you are the least capable member of this group. And for a good hour, I acted like what they thought actually mattered. I felt like I needed their belief in me. 

That was stupid.

But it was also a great lesson. Because the truth is that not everyone is going to believe in me. Not everyone is going to think I’m awesome. ⁣

𝓣𝓱𝓮𝔂’𝓻𝓮 𝔀𝓻𝓸𝓷𝓰, 𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓾𝓰𝓱.⁣

I believe in me. And that’s enough. ⁣

That belief keeps me going in every single one of my personal and professional endeavours, and helps me show up again and again to make an impact on working mamas (like I did recently when I was quoted in The Boston Globe!)  

Same goes for you, girlfriend. There will always be people in your life who don’t think you’re awesome, whether a co-worker, another mom, a teammate or even a member of your own family.

But what other people think of you or say about you or say to you doesn’t change who you are. And it never can.

So be who you are.  Because you’re amazing.

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Why Your Marriage Should Be the Primary Relationship in Your Household

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My husband Shawn and I believe in romance. We spend intentional quality time alone together every week, and before COVID, took at least one vacation a year without our kids.

And no, we’re not newlyweds!

Maybe it’s because we’ve both been divorced and know what can happen when a marriage falls apart, but without a doubt, focusing on our marriage is the top priority for us.

Fourteen years and two kids later, I’ve come to understand that romance, date nights and trips for two are a huge part of loving your life as a mom. And although I know no two families are the same, in most, that guy you fall asleep beside, share a bathroom with and whose socks you fold is the guy who made you a mother. In other words?

Your kids only exist because you two got together.

Don’t forget that! Those rascally, adorable, infuriating, loving, snuggly humans who make your heart want to burst with pride came into this world because you and your husband fell in love. That’s something to celebrate over and over.

So I’m gonna say something that might sound kind of radical.

Your relationship with your husband should be the primary relationship in your household—not your relationship with your kids.

Shocking, but true. And you’ll be a better mom for it, believe me. I would even put prioritizing and nurturing your marriage up there with self care.

Think about it. Chances are, if you’re making intentional, quality time for you and your husband, you’ll be happier and feel more fulfilled. You’ll probably also experience more joy, patience and love with him. And do you think that will spill over into your relationship with your kids?

Oh yes, girlfriend.

And you know what else? You’re setting a great example for them. You’re teaching them what a loving, respectful relationship looks like. You only need to look at your own parents (for better or for worse) to understand how important that is.

Having been in a marriage where romance and date nights were not a priority, I know how fatal that lack of attention can be to a relationship. Remember what you love about each other. Remember the reasons you got together, and hold on to those reasons. Celebrate them. Every. Single. Week.

The million-dollar question, of course, is how do you make it happen?

First things first: Talk about it! If regular date nights with your spouse are not a thing in your marriage (yet), start off by having a conversation. I’m no counselor, but I’ve loved enough to know that communication is key when it comes to relationships, and that’s true whether we’re talking about your relationship with your kids, your sister, your parents or your best friend. Without a doubt, being open and up front with your husband is vital to prioritizing your marriage.

Second: Plan! You’ve gotta be intentional. When you’re planning your week, work in alone time for you and your significant other. Involve him in choosing the day of the week that would be best for both of you. Take turns deciding what you’ll do on your date night. Make the process part of your time together.

And lastly, but super importantly, get help if you need it. Before the pandemic, Shawn and I had what we liked to call The Babysitter Optimizer. We had five women on rotation, all different ages and in different stages of their lives so as not to lose everyone when say, it’s time to go to college or time to get married. We were able to call on them any time we wanted to get some alone time.

With COVID still a thing, my husband and I admittedly haven’t used a babysitter in almost a year, but we have been able to rely on our family. I would venture to say the same goes for you. Grandparents love to see their grandkids!

And if even help from family just isn’t an option right now, for whatever reason, don’t let that be your excuse. Sometimes Shawn and I do date nights at home, once our kiddos are in bed—or at the very least, upstairs with a movie (or, yes, a device).

The point is, you can make it happen. You might have to get creative or do a little finagling, but remember why you’re doing it. Prioritizing your relationship is so important.

And I promise you, it’s so worth it.

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Four Books Every Mom Should Read

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I’ve always been a major bookworm. Growing up, I wasn’t that girl who was into cheerleading or dance. I didn’t play a sport.  

I read.  A lot. 

The Babysitters Club, thrillers by Christopher Pike and R.L. Stine, coming-of-age novels by Judy Blume and every single literary work based on Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield—from Sweet Valley Twins to Sweet Valley High to Sweet Valley University and all the Sweet Valley Saga stories—you name it, I read it. I had my nose in a book for most of my adolescence.  

As a grown up I haven’t made as much time for fiction as I did as a tween, although I am a sucker for anything written by Jennifer Weiner and have fallen hard for the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon—and will finish them, however long it takes me!  Instead, I’ve found myself devouring personal development books on Audible. (By the way, if you’ve never tried Audible, you must. You can legit consume a book and drive. It’s the coolest thing ever). 

These four books are totes worth the read (or listen, as the case may be), and have given me some of my most powerful tools for creating a mom life I love. And I truly believe every mother should read them because being a mom is the most intense form of leadership you’ll ever know. So why not level up?

Check these babies out:

1. The One Thing, by Gary Keller and Jay Papasan

I find myself returning to the principles of this book over and over again as I navigate the challenges of being a working mother who is also running a small business.  

​​The ONE Thing taught me everything I know about productivity and prioritizing. I used to believe all things matter equally.  They don’t. The ONE Thing shows you how to focus so that, in going after your big hairy audacious goals, you can identify the one thing you can do to make everything else easier or unnecessary.  

I know, I know.  What does that mean, exactly? 

Think of the steps toward achieving any goal as a row of evenly-spaced dominoes. The easiest way to knock them all down is simply to knock over the first one, right? The ONE Thing explains that this principle applies to the achievement of any extraordinary result in life or business, and gives you the tools to identify the lead dominoes in your own life.  

Throughout most of my life, I’ve tended to over complicate things. Learning how to make things simpler in both my business and my mom life has been incredibly valuable. 

2. You Are a Badass, by Jen Sincero

The mind is an incredibly powerful thing.  As a recovering perfectionist, I have spent a lot of time in my head, painstakingly over-analyzing and worrying. 

Through the power of self-discovery, I’ve learned how to command my thoughts and attention to create what I want to experience.  

You Are a Badass reinforces many of those principles and helps me remember that the universe is friendly and wants me to have my heart’s deepest desires. I’m the only thing standing in my way.  

I’d venture to say the same is true for you, my friend.

3. The Power of Habit, by Charles Duhigg

F.M. Alexander once said, “People don’t decide their futures.  They decide their habits, and their habits decide their futures.” It’s a powerful thought, and one I happen to entirely agree with after reading The Power of Habit. 

A habit, according to Merriam Webster, is an acquired mode of behavior that has become nearly or completely involuntary.  

Did you read that? Involuntary. In other words, once something becomes a habit, it requires zero willpower or effort on your part.  Imagine how much you could achieve if you intentionally created habits that serve you?  

The Power of Habit explains the “habit loop,” which enables you to understand how habits are formed and how they can be broken.  Coupled with The ONE Thing, I learned how to turn my lead dominoes into habits.  

Life changing, my friend.  

4. The 10x Rule, by Grant Cardone

This book is all about how to achieve big goals by taking massive action that most people simply will not take. While I’ll state openly that I don’t agree with everything Mr. Cardone says in this book, one of the “aha!” moments I took from it is not to be afraid of problems. 

Every time you hit a new level of success, you will be presented with a new set of problems, guaranteed.  But that’s a good thing.  It means you’re growing.  If you lose 100 pounds and have to buy an entirely new wardrobe, that’s a problem that needs to be solved, right?  But it’s a problem that came as a result of you achieving your goal, and is therefore something to be appreciated.  

The principle reminds me of a quote my business coach and mentor, Susie Moore, often repeats: “Overwhelm is a stress response to a lot of things going right.” I’ll take that kind of overwhelm any day.  

Fair warning:  Mr. Cardone is definitely an “in your face” kind of guy.  In the Audible version of his book, which he narrates himself, he shares that he was going to call Chapter 6, “Don’t Be a Little Bitch,” but in an effort not to offend anyone, instead titled it, “Assume Control for Everything.”  The main idea is that “crybabies, whiners and victims just don’t do well at attracting or creating success.” 

Personally, I like that.  I enjoy being held accountable. There’s something very empowering about realizing that you create what you experience—good and bad.  And the simplicity is kind of beautiful: there’s really only one person to “blame” when things don’t go right, and she’s staring back at me when I look in a mirror. 

While it can be hard to swallow when what you create is not so ideal, it’s also pretty wild to realize you create the good stuff, too.  I love being reminded to step into my God-given power to create what I want to experience.  It’s very cool stuff.  

So there you have it!  The four books that changed my life and that I believe every mom should read.  Go get to reading, mama. And if you legit “don’t have time” to sit down with a book, Audible instead while you drive, work out or do laundry.  

Leaders are readers, and you, my friend, are one of the most powerful leaders in the world: a mother. Give yourself the gift of personal growth.  You deserve it, girlfriend.  

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