Not everyone is going to think you’re awesome, and that’s ok. They’re wrong, though.

Posted on September 26, 2021 by Nikki Oden

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My love language is “words of affirmation,” which I always thought was adorable . . . until I realized that I’m sort of saying I need other people to tell me how awesome I am to feel worthy or loved.

Wait. That doesn’t sound powerful . . .

But it has played out that way in real life: with me craving, more than I’d like to admit, affirmation and praise as a way to feel good enough.

Good enough as a lawyer. Good enough as a podcaster. Good enough as an author and a business owner. Good enough as a mom.

Do you ever go there, too?

Recently, someone ranked me at the bottom of their list. In my mind, they were saying, We don’t care how hard you’ve been working. We still think you are the least capable member of this group. And for a good hour, I acted like what they thought actually mattered. I felt like I needed their belief in me.

That was stupid.

But it was also a great lesson. Because the truth is that not everyone is going to believe in me. Not everyone is going to think I’m awesome. ⁣

𝓣𝓱𝓮𝔂’𝓻𝓮 𝔀𝓻𝓸𝓷𝓰, 𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓾𝓰𝓱.⁣

I believe in me. And that’s enough. ⁣

That belief keeps me going in every single one of my personal and professional endeavours, and helps me show up again and again to make an impact on working mamas (like I did recently when I was quoted in The Boston Globe!)

Same goes for you, girlfriend. There will always be people in your life who don’t think you’re awesome, whether a co-worker, another mom, a teammate or even a member of your own family.

But what other people think of you or say about you or say to you doesn’t change who you are. And it never can.

So be who you are. Because you’re amazing.

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Why Your Marriage Should Be the Primary Relationship in Your Household

Posted on August 3, 2021 by Nikki Oden

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My husband Shawn and I believe in romance. We spend intentional quality time alone together every week, and before COVID, took at least one vacation a year without our kids.

And no, we’re not newlyweds!

Maybe it’s because we’ve both been divorced and know what can happen when a marriage falls apart, but without a doubt, focusing on our marriage is the top priority for us.

Fourteen years and two kids later, I’ve come to understand that romance, date nights and trips for two are a huge part of loving your life as a mom. And although I know no two families are the same, in most, that guy you fall asleep beside, share a bathroom with and whose socks you fold is the guy who made you a mother. In other words?

Your kids only exist because you two got together.

Don’t forget that! Those rascally, adorable, infuriating, loving, snuggly humans who make your heart want to burst with pride came into this world because you and your husband fell in love. That’s something to celebrate over and over.

So I’m gonna say something that might sound kind of radical.

Your relationship with your husband should be the primary relationship in your household—not your relationship with your kids.

Shocking, but true. And you’ll be a better mom for it, believe me. I would even put prioritizing and nurturing your marriage up there with self care.

Think about it. Chances are, if you’re making intentional, quality time for you and your husband, you’ll be happier and feel more fulfilled. You’ll probably also experience more joy, patience and love with him. And do you think that will spill over into your relationship with your kids?

Oh yes, girlfriend.

And you know what else? You’re setting a great example for them. You’re teaching them what a loving, respectful relationship looks like. You only need to look at your own parents (for better or for worse) to understand how important that is.

Having been in a marriage where romance and date nights were not a priority, I know how fatal that lack of attention can be to a relationship. Remember what you love about each other. Remember the reasons you got together, and hold on to those reasons. Celebrate them. Every. Single. Week.

The million-dollar question, of course, is how do you make it happen?

First things first: Talk about it! If regular date nights with your spouse are not a thing in your marriage (yet), start off by having a conversation. I’m no counselor, but I’ve loved enough to know that communication is key when it comes to relationships, and that’s true whether we’re talking about your relationship with your kids, your sister, your parents or your best friend. Without a doubt, being open and up front with your husband is vital to prioritizing your marriage.

Second: Plan! You’ve gotta be intentional. When you’re planning your week, work in alone time for you and your significant other. Involve him in choosing the day of the week that would be best for both of you. Take turns deciding what you’ll do on your date night. Make the process part of your time together.

And lastly, but super importantly, get help if you need it. Before the pandemic, Shawn and I had what we liked to call The Babysitter Optimizer. We had five women on rotation, all different ages and in different stages of their lives so as not to lose everyone when say, it’s time to go to college or time to get married. We were able to call on them any time we wanted to get some alone time.

With COVID still a thing, my husband and I admittedly haven’t used a babysitter in almost a year, but we have been able to rely on our family. I would venture to say the same goes for you. Grandparents love to see their grandkids!

And if even help from family just isn’t an option right now, for whatever reason, don’t let that be your excuse. Sometimes Shawn and I do date nights at home, once our kiddos are in bed—or at the very least, upstairs with a movie (or, yes, a device).

The point is, you can make it happen. You might have to get creative or do a little finagling, but remember why you’re doing it. Prioritizing your relationship is so important.

And I promise you, it’s so worth it.

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Four Books Every Mom Should Read

Posted on July 23, 2021 by Nikki Oden

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I’ve always been a major bookworm. Growing up, I wasn’t that girl who was into cheerleading or dance. I didn’t play a sport.

I read. A lot.

The Babysitters Club, thrillers by Christopher Pike and R.L. Stine, coming-of-age novels by Judy Blume and every single literary work based on Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield—from Sweet Valley Twins to Sweet Valley High to Sweet Valley University and all the Sweet Valley Saga stories—you name it, I read it. I had my nose in a book for most of my adolescence.

As a grown up I haven’t made as much time for fiction as I did as a tween, although I am a sucker for anything written by Jennifer Weiner and have fallen hard for the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon—and will finish them, however long it takes me! Instead, I’ve found myself devouring personal development books on Audible. (By the way, if you’ve never tried Audible, you must. You can legit consume a book and drive. It’s the coolest thing ever).

These four books are totes worth the read (or listen, as the case may be), and have given me some of my most powerful tools for creating a mom life I love. And I truly believe every mother should read them because being a mom is the most intense form of leadership you’ll ever know. So why not level up?

Check these babies out:

1. The One Thing, by Gary Keller and Jay Papasan

I find myself returning to the principles of this book over and over again as I navigate the challenges of being a working mother who is also running a small business.

The ONE Thing taught me everything I know about productivity and prioritizing. I used to believe all things matter equally. They don’t. The ONE Thing shows you how to focus so that, in going after your big hairy audacious goals, you can identify the one thing you can do to make everything else easier or unnecessary.

I know, I know. What does that mean, exactly?

Think of the steps toward achieving any goal as a row of evenly-spaced dominoes. The easiest way to knock them all down is simply to knock over the first one, right? The ONE Thing explains that this principle applies to the achievement of any extraordinary result in life or business, and gives you the tools to identify the lead dominoes in your own life.

Throughout most of my life, I’ve tended to over complicate things. Learning how to make things simpler in both my business and my mom life has been incredibly valuable.

2. You Are a Badass, by Jen Sincero

The mind is an incredibly powerful thing. As a recovering perfectionist, I have spent a lot of time in my head, painstakingly over-analyzing and worrying.

Through the power of self-discovery, I’ve learned how to command my thoughts and attention to create what I want to experience.

You Are a Badass reinforces many of those principles and helps me remember that the universe is friendly and wants me to have my heart’s deepest desires. I’m the only thing standing in my way.

I’d venture to say the same is true for you, my friend.

3. The Power of Habit, by Charles Duhigg

F.M. Alexander once said, “People don’t decide their futures. They decide their habits, and their habits decide their futures.” It’s a powerful thought, and one I happen to entirely agree with after reading The Power of Habit.

A habit, according to Merriam Webster, is an acquired mode of behavior that has become nearly or completely involuntary.

Did you read that? Involuntary. In other words, once something becomes a habit, it requires zero willpower or effort on your part. Imagine how much you could achieve if you intentionally created habits that serve you?

The Power of Habit explains the “habit loop,” which enables you to understand how habits are formed and how they can be broken. Coupled with The ONE Thing, I learned how to turn my lead dominoes into habits.

Life changing, my friend.

4. The 10x Rule, by Grant Cardone

This book is all about how to achieve big goals by taking massive action that most people simply will not take. While I’ll state openly that I don’t agree with everything Mr. Cardone says in this book, one of the “aha!” moments I took from it is not to be afraid of problems.

Every time you hit a new level of success, you will be presented with a new set of problems, guaranteed. But that’s a good thing. It means you’re growing. If you lose 100 pounds and have to buy an entirely new wardrobe, that’s a problem that needs to be solved, right? But it’s a problem that came as a result of you achieving your goal, and is therefore something to be appreciated.

The principle reminds me of a quote my business coach and mentor, Susie Moore, often repeats: “Overwhelm is a stress response to a lot of things going right.” I’ll take that kind of overwhelm any day.

Fair warning: Mr. Cardone is definitely an “in your face” kind of guy. In the Audible version of his book, which he narrates himself, he shares that he was going to call Chapter 6, “Don’t Be a Little Bitch,” but in an effort not to offend anyone, instead titled it, “Assume Control for Everything.” The main idea is that “crybabies, whiners and victims just don’t do well at attracting or creating success.”

Personally, I like that. I enjoy being held accountable. There’s something very empowering about realizing that you create what you experience—good and bad. And the simplicity is kind of beautiful: there’s really only one person to “blame” when things don’t go right, and she’s staring back at me when I look in a mirror.

While it can be hard to swallow when what you create is not so ideal, it’s also pretty wild to realize you create the good stuff, too. I love being reminded to step into my God-given power to create what I want to experience. It’s very cool stuff.

So there you have it! The four books that changed my life and that I believe every mom should read. Go get to reading, mama. And if you legit “don’t have time” to sit down with a book, Audible instead while you drive, work out or do laundry.

Leaders are readers, and you, my friend, are one of the most powerful leaders in the world: a mother. Give yourself the gift of personal growth. You deserve it, girlfriend.

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5 Things My Former Career in Direct Sales Taught Me That I Still Use Daily in My Mom Life

Posted on May 18, 2021 by Nikki Oden

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My foray in direct sales was born from a lack of fulfillment, boredom, and a smidge of desperation.

Wait. That sounds dramatic. Let me back up.

See, before I became a mom, I was a lawyer practicing commercial litigation for a prestigious, international law firm. (I know—sounds very complicated and grown up, but it’s just a fancy way of saying I got paid to go to court on behalf of big companies and fight about money all day long).

Suffice it to say, I didn’t love my job, despite that I was compensated well, had a strong sense of independence and, admittedly, felt kind of important when I went to court and judges listened to me when I talked. At the end of the day, it was a grind and a half.

So when I became pregnant with my daughter, I hatched a diabolical plan with my husband whereby I would pay down as much of my law school debt as possible before giving birth, and once our daughter was born, I’d quit to be a stay-at-home mom.

Our plan went swimmingly. We paid down my student loans, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, took my full twelve weeks’ maternity leave and, when I returned to the office, promptly gave my notice. I bid farewell to Big Law like, “Peace out, homies!” and stepped into my new role as CEO of Casa Oden without looking back.

But fast forward two years and I had gone from a high-powered lawyer in pencil skirts and heels to an exhausted mom of two under 2 who was fairly consistently covered in bodily fluids that were not her own. After a lot of denial, I finally admitted out loud one day that I wasn’t happy.

The truth was I had completely lost myself in motherhood. I had nothing that was mine outside of being “Mommy” and “wife.” I knew to find myself again, I needed something just for me.

The thought of going back to Big Law gave me hives, though, so I decided to start a direct sales business from home instead. I began my career with an organic food company and then moved on to one of the largest cosmetic and skin care companies in the world. At both places I saw tremendous success, earning all-expenses-paid vacations for me and my husband at the first company and a free car at the second.

Now, let me stop right here and acknowledge the elephant in the room.

I know direct sales gets a bad rap in the media. And as someone who’s actually walked the walk as a direct seller, I can sort of understand where some of that negative press comes from. But I also know being in direct sales can add immense value to your life.

Here’s what I learned:

1) Always ask for what you want.

When your job is to sell products, book parties and recruit new team members, you have to do a lot of asking. Like, a lot a lot. Over the years I realized asking for what you want is a skill that applies to all areas of your life.

“Do you have any more sizes in the back?”

“Can I get that without cilantro and add tomatoes and cucumbers?”

“Will you please donate to my kids’ school fundraiser?”

“Will you pay me $100 per published article instead of $75?”

What’s the worst that can happen? They say no? OK, fine. Let’s indulge this terrifying what-if scenario. They say no. And . . . are you any worse off than if you hadn’t asked?

Nope.

But what if they say yes?

To paraphrase the Bible, you have not because you ask not. Ask for what you want, girlfriend.

2) Be nice to strangers for no reason at all.

When I was a sales director for the cosmetics and skincare company, one of the ways I was told to find new hostesses and team members was to genuinely compliment random strangers wherever I went and then invite them to the latest event I had on the books. We called it “warm chatting,” and although it made me cringe, it also led to me meeting some amazing women with whom I’m still friends to this day.

After I stepped down from my leadership role with that company to start Your Ideal Mom Life, I found myself continuing to warm chat, without the pitch.

“Your eyelashes are amazing.”

“You have gorgeous skin.”

“I love your nail color.”

And you know what? I discovered that it feels good to hand out compliments. Try it. At worst, some rando you’ll never see again thinks you’re nuts. At best, you make another woman’s day.

3) Put yourself out there.

Direct sales ain’t nothin’ if not a repeated series of putting yourself out there. Is it possible people will make fun of you? Yep. Might they reject your offer? You betcha. Is it scary? Uh, yeah.

But the more you put yourself out there, the closer you get to your goal. And more importantly—the more you grow.

Listen, girlfriend. You think Oprah became Oprah by playing it small? Do you think Amazon would exist if Jeff Bezos hadn’t put it all on the line and fought to make a dream born in his garage a reality—despite all his critics? Would you and I even be friends if I hadn’t decided to put my soul on the internet and start this blog?

Remember that your kids are watching you. When they see you do hard things, they learn that they can do hard things, too. They grow from watching you stretch yourself and play full out. They emulate how you deal with adversity and disappointment, and make the connection when they see you go after your goals and achieve big things.

And they notice when you don’t. They see all the times you choose to settle instead.

So get out there, mama.

Try out for the ladies doubles league at the tennis center.

Apply for the Executive Board of the PTA.

Ask for the promotion.

Start your own company.

Run for office.

Be the girl who puts herself out there and just goes for it.

4) Be very intentional with your time.

You and I both know being a mom involves a beastly time management struggle. Keeping the small humans in your house fed, bathed, educated, active and entertained on a daily basis is no joke. And of course, that’s on top of brushing your own teeth and hair, eating, sleeping, exercising and nurturing your relationship with your spouse. Add a home-based business to the mix and things can get ugly, fast.

Being your own boss requires a set of habits most of us simply didn’t pick up in our early years, like being intentional with the 24 hours we have each day. Having a direct sales business brutally exposed my deficiencies in this area, and led to me living in survival mode for several years.

But eventually, through lots of trial and improvement, I figured it out.

Today, I’m like a time management ninja. And I can tell you with absolute certainty that doing a mental dump, prioritizing and time blocking are vital not only to running a business, but to creating a mom life you love.

No doubt, there is a very real relationship between feeling confident and powerful in your mom life and deliberately planning out your week in advance.

In fact, I’ve created an entire business around teaching working moms how to own their day, crush their goals and lose the mom guilt. (And it’s life changing, if I do say so myself).

Remember: you are the center of your household. When you become intentional with your time, you stop feeling overwhelmed and spread thin and start experiencing more patience and joy, and that will spill over into everything you do.

Everything. I’m telling you, friend, this stuff is legit.

5) Don’t make up stories in your head about why other people do the things they do.

During my direct sales career, I reached out to a lot of people, met a ton more, and planted a lot of seeds. And let me tell you: not all of those seeds sprouted. That means I sent like, a gazillion texts and emails that went unanswered and made plenty of phone calls that were never returned.

At first, the temptation to invent a story in my head about why I didn’t hear back was almost irresistible.

They don’t like me.

Maybe she thinks I’m pushy and annoying.

She wants to say no but doesn’t know how to tell me.

And while sure, some of those hunches were undoubtedly true, the reality was that it usually wasn’t any of those things. In fact, most of the time it had absolutely nothing to do with me or my business.

Eventually, I realized I needed to give people grace and stop making everything about me. Most people are completely absorbed in their own stuff. They’re not plotting all the ways they can be intentionally rude or unresponsive.

So when people don’t respond to your text messages or call you back; if they ignore your emails; when they unfriend or unfollow you—don’t think for one second that you actually know why.

In most cases, it ain’t got nothin’ to do with you. Maybe you reached out at the precise moment her kid barfed in the car, and therefore responding to you is (obviously) not a priority. Perhaps her baby got a hold of her phone and unfriended all of her friends on social media. Maybe her email got hacked and she deleted her account.

Give people the benefit of the doubt and don’t make it about you.

So. Freeing.

I know direct sales isn’t for everyone, and that’s a beautiful thing. You’re shining in your unique gifts and talents, and the world needs that. In the end, direct sales wasn’t my forever career, but I’m glad I had the experience. Aren’t you? It led me to creating Your Ideal Mom Life—a calling I would never have otherwise discovered.

Wherever you are on your journey, keep shining, girlfriend. Don’t underestimate where your path is leading you. And don’t forget to share all the beautiful nuggets you pick up along the way.

I promise to keep doing the same for you.

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That Time I Didn’t Even Try

Posted on May 4, 2021 by Nikki Oden

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I go for stuff. I’m not the girl who sits around waiting for life to happen to her. I don’t complain about so-called “bad luck” or hate on others’ success. No way. I believe that we create everything we experience in life and, with God as my source, I step into my power and I go for stuff.

That’s not to say I don’t suffer from attacks of imposter syndrome (or as I like to call it, the You Can’t Monster). To be very clear, I’m a big fan of the ugly cry on a rough day.

So in early 2020 when I signed up to do a Spartan “sprint” (which, mind you, is several miles of hell, complete with 21 obstacles, barbed wire and a lot of mud), I thought, OK. I’m gonna go for this.

But then COVID happened and the race was postponed. My Hard Exercise Works gym, where many a Spartan athlete is born, was forced to temporarily close. We all stayed home for a several tumultuous months and I eventually fell out of doing my crazy-hard workouts. And when the race was finally rescheduled in 2021, it all felt a lot less, well . . . fun, to the extent getting filthy while voluntarily enduring pain in the name of fitness ever seemed fun.

But because I’m the girl who goes for stuff, I also tend to be very, very hard on myself. I do not let myself off the hook easily. And I’ve been known to berate myself when I feel I’ve underperformed or not shown up the way I thought I should.

Thus, twenty-four hours before the race began found me in an intense debate. With . . . ahem, myself.

“You said you were going to do it, so you should do it.”

I nodded. “Yeah. I should just do it.” I wrinkled my nose. “But I really don’t want to.”

“Yeah, but you’ll be stronger for it. You’ll definitely grow.”

“I know I will.” I sighed. “But I really don’t want to.”

I intermittently had this back-and-forth conversation with myself all day. Finally, when my bestie and fellow Spartan texted me to find out what I had decided, I wrote back, “I guess I should just do it.”

She responded, “Or you could not do it and be ok with it.”

Wait. What?

You know that moment in movies where the protagonist has an epiphany and the music swells, the lighting gets brighter and the camera swoops in? Yeah, that happened for me in that moment. Yes! I thought. I could just not do it and be ok with it. Yes!

So that’s what I did.

I took myself out of the race before I even laced up my shoes. I quit. I didn’t even try.

And damn, girlfriend, it felt gooooooood.

It felt so good to give myself permission to do exactly what I wanted, even if that meant I wasn’t going to do something I had signed up for.

It was quite a foreign experience. Remember, I’m the girl who goes for stuff.

So as that girl, I have to make sure you don’t get me wrong.

I’m not saying it’s ok to bail on your commitments willy nilly. It is not cool to leave people hanging when they’re depending on you to show up. I’m not saying you should start things and not finish them. And I am definitely not saying it’s ok to make excuses when the going gets tough.

Because duh, if we constantly did that, we’d never accomplish our big, hairy audacious goals. We wouldn’t learn how to do new things. We’d never grow.

What I am saying is that when your heart’s not in it, when you’re not doing it for the right reasons, when no one else is going to be put out, it’s ok to give yourself a break.

In my case, my bestie had already done two Spartan races and had made it very clear to me that she felt no qualms about skipping this one. I, on the other hand, had not been training for it. In fact, I was dreading it. My heart just wasn’t in it.

And that’s why giving myself a break on this one was the most loving thing I could have done for myself.

All you perfectionists out there, all you mamas who are so hard on yourselves, who never, ever let yourself off the hook—let that sink in.

It’s ok to give yourself a break. Giving yourself a break can be the deepest form of self care. Truly, it’s an act of love.

So next time you’re faced with forcing yourself to do something you really don’t want to do and that truly won’t hurt you to skip, ask yourself: Is my heart in this? Am I doing this for the right reasons? Is anyone else’s life going to be more difficult if I decide not to follow through?

If the answer to those questions is no, skip it. Give yourself the break. Take the win that comes with loving yourself enough to know when you need to take care of you and just let it be easy. Stop being so brutally hard on yourself.

Trust yourself, girlfriend. And allow yourself to receive all the beautiful blessings that flow your way when you do.

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The Power of a Morning Routine

Posted on March 18, 2021 by Nikki Oden

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As moms, we are always on call. Literally. If my kids are awake, I can guarantee I’ll be hearing, “Mom!” at least twenty times throughout the course of a single day. Sometimes they call me to tattle on each other. Other times they need help finding something and believe I have a magical honing device that can conjure lost sweatshirts, face masks or homework out of thin air. Sometimes they’ve hurt themselves and need a kiss and a snuggle. Most often, though, it’s to ask for a snack. At this stage of their lives, my kids depend on me for a lot.

It’s beautiful. And it’s exhausting.

So, like most moms I know, one of the things I crave the most is alone time.

The question is, how do we get it?

I won’t claim I have a one-size-fits-all solution, but after a ton of trial and improvement, I do know what works for me.

→ Insert morning routine here. ←

That’s right. With an intentional morning routine comes guaranteed “me” time. Now, let me assure you right off the bat that I am not about to tell you to wake up at 5 AM. But if you’re not currently getting time to yourself every single day, I am going to tell you to wake up earlier than you are now.

OK, before you close this window of your browser, hear me out!

Waking up earlier doesn’t have to be painful. Promise.

You only need 20 minutes to yourself—before everyone else in your house gets up—to “fill your cup,” so to speak. What you do in that 20 minutes is entirely up to you. Maybe it means you get to sit somewhere cozy and enjoy that first, blissful cup of stress-free coffee without anyone interrupting you. It might mean you read that novel you’ve been meaning to dig into, or that you meditate, journal or exercise. I use that first 20 minutes to work on my biggest, hairiest, most audacious goal.

Whatever you do with that time, I strongly urge you to spend it on something you love. Something that’s just for you.

Now, if you’re shaking your head at me like, “Nikki, I snooze three times before I make it out of bed as it is. How am I supposed to wake up twenty minutes earlier?!”

I got you, girlfriend.

Here’s what I suggest: start with five minutes earlier. Just five. (You’ve got five in you, come on).

And then once you have that down, set your alarm for 10 minutes earlier. And when you’re rocking that, move it to 15. Eventually, you’ll get to 20 minutes like it ain’t no thing. And all the while, as you’re working your way up to 20, you’re getting an extra five, ten or fifteen minutes in your day of guaranteed “me” time.

Take a sec’ to imagine how glorious that would be. You’re a morning routine away from making it happen.

To really seal the deal, I also suggest going to bed at the same time every night (and no, that’s not code for, “Go to bed at 8 PM”).

My go-to bedtime is 10 PM. To help me stay on track, I use the “🛏 Sleep | Wake Up” tool in the Alarm section of the built-in Clock app on my iPhone. Going to bed at the same time every night solidifies my routine in the morning, and allows me to get seven and a half hours of sleep before I’m up at 5:30 AM to enjoy the peace, quiet and productivity that comes with the stillness of my household at that hour. I’ve worked my way up to a sixty-minute morning routine which, in addition to allowing me to work on my BHAGs, gives me time to mediate, journal and pray.

Try it this week. Decide what you would do with guaranteed alone time. Then set your alarm for five minutes earlier than it is now (or twenty if you’re feeling robust) and start going to sleep at the same time every night.

And let me know how it goes! I’ll be thinking of you as I’m sipping on my peppermint tea tomorrow morning.

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What You and I Have in Common with a Real-Life Princess: My Takeaway from Meghan Markle’s Interview

Posted on March 9, 2021 by Nikki Oden

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No family is perfect. I think we all know this, inherently, but was I the only mom in America who was kind of relieved to get certain confirmation that even the Royal Family has issues? (By the way, if you have no idea what I’m talking about, you must check out Meghan Markle and Prince Harry’s incredibly raw interview with Oprah. Make some popcorn beforehand. You’ll thank me later).

For an hour and a half, I watched on the edge of my seat as the Duchess of Sussex poured her heart out to Oprah about the pain, isolation and cruelty she endured at the hands of the British media during her tenure as a senior working member of the Royal Family. I was fascinated by her honesty and bravery. Riveted, I found myself nodding in agreement and commenting out loud despite being alone in my home office. “Yes,” I said, more than once. “I totally agree.”

I’m not a world-famous princess, I get that. And no, the British media (or, um, any media for that matter) isn’t watching my every move and plotting how they can assassinate my character before the nation while my majestic in-laws look on, smiling.

But I think we can all relate to bits of what Meghan shared, don’t you? I mean, hasn’t anyone ever treated you unfairly or said things about you that were completely false?

When my husband and I first started dating, he was navigating this weird, financial dynamic with his family. As the first to graduate from high school, then college, and then graduate school, he was expected by his parents and siblings alike to pay for them when they got together for family events—even if the event was his own birthday. If one of them fell behind on a bill, his phone would ring.

They weren’t even grateful. They expected it.

It was clear to me as an outsider that his family didn’t want to acknowledge the truth, which was that he had built himself up from scratch. He had busted his ass to pay his tuition and pass his exams, and even as a full-blown professional he never stopped hustling. With that truth came a hard pill to swallow: they could do it too, if they worked hard enough. It was much easier for them to believe that he was simply “lucky,” and that he suddenly “got rich.”

So they held their hands out instead. And my husband, for his part, forked it over.

By the time I came into the picture, he was sick and tired of that dance. Realizing that he had been complicit by stepping in tune to the music for so long, he slowly, deliberately changed the moves. He started to push back. He asked his family to pay their portions of the bill at restaurants. He refused to give them money willy nilly.

And let me tell you: they did not like it.

Unfortunately for me, my husband had changed his tune right around the inception of our relationship. And his family, not believing for one second that he could have grown so defiant on his own, chose to blame me.

So yeah, that was a fun way to start things off.

For months, they whispered behind my back about how I wouldn’t “let” my then-boyfriend give them money (false) because I had gotten him his “cushy” job working for a global conglomerate financial institution through my law firm (false) and felt entitled to tell him how to spend his paycheck. False, false, false. Mind you, however, no one had the guts to say any of that nonsense to my face, or to his.

And then he asked me to marry him.

It wasn’t until my bridal shower, when none of the women of his family bothered to show up, that I became crushingly aware they harbored such ill feelings toward me. I was devastated.

That’s when it all came out—everything they had been saying and had believed about me that wasn’t true. And I’m not gonna lie. I didn’t take it well. I felt victimized and betrayed. I was angry at the unfairness of it all. And although my husband was fuming at his family and very squarely in my corner, I felt alone.

What I eventually learned from that experience, and what Meghan reminded me as she spoke so candidly to Oprah, is that it is vital in those moments to know who you are. But like, really know it, deep in your core.

You’re kind. You’re smart. You’re important. You can do hard things. You don’t give up easily.

When you know those things about yourself, no one can take them away from you. When you truly know who you are, you can center yourself in that certainty to draw strength. No matter what anyone else says about you.

Listen, girlfriend, people are probably gonna hate on you at some point in your life. Maybe they’ll be strangers who envy that you’re putting yourself out there and wanna put you down to feel better about themselves. Maybe they’ll be your own family. Being certain about who you are doesn’t necessarily make it hurt less. As Meghan showed us, it’s ok to feel the hurt. Even royals cry. But it does make it easier to see your choices.

We get to decide what we do with those experiences. We get to choose if we’re going to find the lesson and allow it to make us stronger. How we show up for ourselves is completely up to us.

A decade and two kids later, my in-laws and I get along better than I had thought possible. My husband released the elephant from the room, set them straight, and we haven’t looked back since.

OK, fine.

Every once in a blue moon, I look back. But I’m clear now on why I created that experience and what I took from it. I’m grateful for it, because it revealed a blind spot and gave me an opportunity to grow immensely.

And as Meghan so beautifully reminded the world, we all get those opportunities.

The next time you get one, my encouragement to you is to remember who you are. Choose to find the lesson in the hurt and to absorb the strength that comes with experiencing it.

Show up like a real-life princess. As it turns out, we’re not so different after all.

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Dealing with Change (Even When It’s Scary and Your Kids Are Watching)

Posted on February 2, 2021 by Nikki Oden

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Change is like the great equalizer. Whether we like it or not, all of us are going to experience change in our lives.

I believe no one understands this concept better than a mama. Remember life (and your body) before your first baby? Yeah, things have definitely changed since then.

And like everything in life, change involves duality. Sometimes change is good—like having a baby, scaling your business to the next level, earning a promotion or discovering a new ice cream flavor. And sometimes change can feel . . . not as good. Especially when we don’t necessarily choose it. Losing a loved one. Moving to a foreign place. Breaking up with a significant other or losing a job.

But often, change that feels not so good is actually greatness hiding inside some icky discomfort.

Like an edamame bean. You have to bite through a weird, hairy shell that’s way too hard to swallow to get to the good stuff.

So what are we supposed to do with that when it pops up in our lives? How do we embrace the icky discomfort so we can get to the good—especially when our kids are watching us?

I’m facing this challenge myself right now, and it dawned on me during an early morning meditation that I should probably start with doing as I say.

That probably doesn’t make any sense. Lemme back up.

I do affirmations with my kids. It occurred to me one day when they were really little that some day, in the distant future, mean kids might tell my adorable, sweet, innocent little babies that they’re dumb. Or weird. Or bad at sports. You know—the stuff You-Can’t Monsters are made of. And in that moment of realization, I actually felt offended and mad. I was all, “Aw, heck no!” (Please tell me I’m not the only woman who goes mama bear over situations that haven’t actually happened yet).

Anyhoo, the whole experience got me thinking . . . how can I prepare them for the inevitable trials of youth and adolescence—for the mean girls and the merciless boy hazing? How do I prepare them for the stuff beyond all that, like the scariness of choices and trying something new and putting yourself out there?

I’m not sure any mom can fully prepare her kids for rejection and failure and, you know . . . high school. But a girl can try.

I settled on affirmations.

And so, since they were little I have told them every day,“You are smart, kind, important. You can do hard things. You don’t give up easily.” As they got bigger we added a few to the list, like “I try new things.”

Admittedly, I threw that one in there so I could waggle a finger at them when we were introducing new foods and they wrinkled their noses. I could be like, “Remember! We try new things!”

But when you’re experiencing a change, those words take on new meaning. That’s what I meant when I said, I should do as I say.

At the end of the day, the discomfort that surrounds a change that’s been forced upon us is always rooted in fear.

We’re afraid that the new won’t be as good as the old. We’re afraid we won’t be able to handle it. We’re afraid we might suffer, be embarrassed or feel pain.

But you know what, girlfriend? There was once a time when you had never before tasted ice cream or coffee. You might even have been afraid to taste them at first. But then, you tried those new things anyway. And look at your life now! Can you imagine your life without coffee? (Side note: I gave up caffeine a few years ago, so I actually can imagine my life without coffee, but substitute whatever your vice is here. Wine. Laser hair removal. Botox. Whatever).

A bit tongue and cheek? Maybe. But I think, at the core of it, the analysis is the same with any change.

Everything we want is on the other side of fear.

What if you try that new food and it’s delish? What if losing that old job helps you discover a passion you can parlay into a new career that lights you up? What if you move to that new city and you love it?

Be open to those “what ifs.” Remember that God (and the universe) are always working everything together for your good. Don’t hold yourself back from experiencing that good, even when it’s forced on you and has taken the form of a hard, hairy bean you’ve never seen before.

You know, to this day, my kids and I always end our affirmations with, “You’re brave. You’re powerful.”

And you are, girlfriend. You are.

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How to Make Yourself a Priority (Without the Mom Guilt)

Posted on December 31, 2020 by Nikki Oden

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I used to feel like I was full of crap.

Outwardly, it seemed like I had a really successful home-based business, that I was spending tons of quality time with my kids and that I was giving my marriage the attention it deserved.

Truth?

I was working like a dog. If you want to think of work and life as two ends of a seesaw, my tush was firmly planted on the ground on the “work” side. There were a whole lot of trips to the park and museum I missed, lots of eating in the car, piles of laundry that didn’t get done, and more “mom fails” than I’d care to admit even to myself.

I hit rock bottom with my mom life when my kids were 6 and 4 (they’re 8 and 6 now). It was one of those mornings where everything that could go wrong did. By 7:15 am, I was ready to pull my hair out.

My son absolutely would not listen to me, which meant we were going to be late getting out the door. I knew that would snowball into being late getting my daughter to school, which would in turn delay me getting my son to daycare, and then I would be late getting myself to my part-time lawyer job. With each pout, foot stomp and furrow of the brows, I grew more and more impatient with my son, until finally, I lost my temper and yelled at him like a maniac. (And then, of course, I felt like a complete monster).

Whimpering, he got dressed and we got in the car, but we didn’t get to my daughter’s elementary school until the late bell was ringing. She was more anxious than any kindergartener should ever be as we pulled up to the front of the school, where they were about to close and lock the front door. Watching my sweet little girl trying to run to the door under the weight of her huge backpack—the very last student still outside the building—crushed me in a way I can’t explain. I felt like I had totally let her down.

That’s when I lost it. I broke down into hysterical tears in my car, in front of my son, who kept murmuring from his car seat, “It’s ok, Mommy. It’s ok. Don’t cry.”

It was in that moment I accepted the truth that God was waving in my face. Something had to change with the way I was managing everything on my plate.

I constantly felt spread thin. I felt like I wasn’t taking care of myself. And I felt like I was always letting someone down—on both sides of the seesaw.

And don’t even get me started on the mom guilt.

Do you ever feel that way, too?

I promise you, there is another way.

After that day, I started making some changes. Slowly, in bite-sized chunks, after a lot of trial and improvement, I figured out how to focus on what matters most in life, love, business and motherhood. I got a grip on my time. I discovered how to be more of what I want to be and do more of what I want to do.

And I want that for you.

Keep reading for the deets on what I’ve learned (and continue to study every single day). But first, a quick word on why this is important.

Why This Matters

Because you matter. You are the center of your household. And when you experience more presence, patience, and joy, that’s going to spill into everything you do.

Do you think your relationship with your kids would be better if you had more patience? Do you think your marriage would be even more solid if you felt good about yourself? One hundred per cent.

And don’t you want that? (Duh, of course you do). So with that as our backdrop, let’s get this party started.

1) Stop Lying to Yourself.

Can we moms all band together and just get over the guilt thing? For reals. Mom guilt is a lie we have been telling ourselves for so long that we actually believe it. But does mom guilt make us better moms? Nope.

Do you know what does? Taking care of yourself.

You have to make yourself a priority. Remember that safety training all airlines make you watch when you’re about to take off—the one about “the unlikely event” that the cabin loses pressure? What do they always tell you? Put your mask on first, then help others. Why?

If you aren’t functioning at your highest and best, you can’t show up for anyone else.

Refusing to make time for self-care because you’ve guilted yourself into believing that every waking moment of your life should be spent on everyone else first—your boss, your kids, your husband, your dog—is not serving you. You will eventually burn out, and you’ll probably build up a whole bunch of resentment too. (In the airplane example, you might even faint). And then what good are you to anyone, especially your kids?

Remember, the only way to show up as the best version of you—whether that’s with respect to parenting or nurturing your marriage or kicking ass at work—is to take care of yourself. Put yourself at the top of the list. Set aside time to mediate, to exercise, to read, journal or pray.

Put your mask on first.

2) Set Boundaries.

Let’s get something straight right now. Not everything matters equally. We’ve got to stop acting like it does. Deal?

Seriously, friend, this piece of the puzzle is absolutely essential. If you find that you’re always saying yes to everything, even when you don’t want to, start setting some boundaries right away. (No wonder you feel overwhelmed and spread thin!)

Look, I get it. In many ways, motherhood is an act of juggling–juggling the time you spend on your work or business with the time you want to spend on yourself and the time you want to spend with your kiddos and keeping your house clean, your family (happily) fed and your laundry done, just to name a few. It can feel as if you’re throwing one ball high into the air just to give yourself enough time to catch another ball as it’s plummeting to the ground. This is where boundaries come in.

To set proper boundaries, you need to get crystal clear on your priorities. (Side note: The best place I’ve seen this concept explained is in the book, The One Thing by Gary Keller and Jay Papasan. A must read!). To do that, start by imagining that each main area of your life is a “ball.” Let’s say your job is one ball; your business (if you have a side hustle or own your own business) is another ball; your family is another; your friends and important relationships are another; your health is another; and your spirituality is another. Maybe if you have a hobby or a passion, that would be another ball.

The key to setting boundaries is understanding which balls are made of rubber and which are made of glass.

Family, important relationships, health and spirituality are glass balls. And when you drop a glass ball, it will shatter. Sure, you can try to put it back together again, but it will never be the same. That’s why you must set boundaries that protect your glass balls.

A rubber ball, on the other hand, will always bounce back up when you drop it. Work and business are rubber balls. Yes, work is important because it allows us to feed and clothe our families, keep a roof over our heads, and enjoy certain luxuries. Your work may even be a huge passion of yours.

But is there only one way to make a living? Is there only one way to produce income? Nope. That’s what makes work a rubber ball. While there are any number of jobs you might have in your lifetime, you only have one body and one soul. And your kids? Well . . . I don’t need to tell you twice that there is absolutely no replacing them.

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Within each “major” glass ball and rubber ball are smaller glass and rubber balls. For example, at work, there may be items you need to treat as glass balls if you don’t want to get fired. On the flip side, with your family, there are plenty of items you can treat as rubber balls, like cooking every night or volunteering for the PTA bake sale. You get the idea. It all boils down to remembering that not everything matters equally, and when push comes to shove, remembering what matters most.

Once you are crystal clear on your priorities, setting boundaries that protect those glass balls becomes much easier. It also becomes a lot easier to see where we’re lying to ourselves or selling ourselves short. Because the truth, my friend, is when we say, “I don’t have time for that,” what we’re really saying is, “I choose not to make that a priority.” Remember that next time you’re tempted to brush off self-care or something for you because you “don’t have time” for it, and ask yourself if if you’re walking in alignment with your glass balls.

Now, if any of this boundary stuff sounds scary or overwhelming, don’t forget that it’s ok to start small. You can start with something as simple as setting a boundary around when you respond to texts, emails and phone calls that will ensure you’re always present with your family at meal time.

3) Speak to Yourself the Way You’d Speak to Someone You Love.

Yeah, I know. It’s easy to say you’re going to make yourself a priority and it’s easy to say you’re going to set boundaries. And maybe you’ve even gone the extra step of putting those promises in your calendar or setting alarms on your phone.

But when life happens and you wake up late or get slammed at work, aren’t the promises you made to yourself the first things you choose to ignore?

Yep. We’ve all been there.

So how do you actually keep those promises you make to yourself?

Well, you start by reminding yourself why all of this matters. Don’t forget why it’s important for you to make yourself a priority, and why you need to protect your glass balls.

Then, as with any goal, you’ve gotta start small. My recommendation? Start by making those calendar entries and alarms hard to ignore by changing the language you use for them. What I mean by that is instead of simply setting a reminder to “breathe” or “workout,” use words that will be powerful for you. Speak to yourself the way you would speak to someone you love. My favorite phrase is, “Choose yourself right now and [fill in the blank with what I promised myself I’d do].” Another effective one is, “Hi beautiful! Take some time right now to [fill in the blank with the promise you made to yourself].”

It sounds so simple (and it is!), but I promise you, it works. Try it. And the next time that alarm on your phone goes off, honor it. Keep the promises you make to yourself. Remember why this matters.

These three things will take you from feeling overwhelmed to rocking it in no time. Just stick with it. You’ve totally got this.

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What To Do When the Mean Girls Attack

Posted on November 20, 2020 by Nikki Oden

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When I became a legit adult—complete with my own home, car, checking account and fancy career—I thought all of that petty stuff I experienced as a teenage girl was behind me. You know what I mean. The cliques and the drama and the cat-fighting that are often the hallmarks of a woman’s adolescence.

And then . . . I became a mom.

Yeah, in theory we’re all adults, but sometimes in real life it can feel like we’re still in high school.

Very recently, a fellow “grown-up” was mean to me. On purpose. Hiding behind the anonymity the internet provides, she harshly criticized something I had created without providing any real feedback or basis for her opinion. She just wanted to hate on me, I guess. And it reminded me that those mean girls from high school are still around, and they’re still, well . . . mean.

You know what I’m talking about, right? Mean girl attacks happen all the time when you really think about it. Nasty reviews, rude comments on Facebook or Instagram and mom-shaming are all modern-day ways the mean girls attack. In my neck of the woods, two moms are even going at it with each other in federal court—over a dispute that started on the tennis court. (I can’t make this stuff up).

So what do you do when it happens to you? Well, I’m glad you asked. Here’s what my mean-girl slashings have taught me:

1. Experience Your Feelings.

Let’s be real. It sucks when someone is mean to you. It just plain doesn’t feel good. But as much as we’d all like to feel sunshine and butterfly kisses every day, the reality is that experiencing our lows is just as important as experiencing our highs. Truly, we couldn’t appreciate the good if we never experienced anything bad. So when someone is mean to you, be honest with yourself about how it feels. It’s ok to feel crappy about it. Don’t try to stuff it, resist it or push it aside. And definitely don’t distract yourself from feeling it. (Lying to yourself is never a good thing). Plus, as a friend and mentor once told me, pretending to be happy when you’re not is like painting over rust. The rust is still there, my friend.

Try a healthier (and more productive) approach: allow yourself to fully feel. Feel the anger, disappointment or hurt. Cry it out if you need to. Just remember that you get to decide how long you stay in that space. My advice? Fully experience it and then let it go.

I’m not gonna lie. After my recent brush with the anonymous mean girl, I definitely felt like someone had slapped me. I wallowed for a few hours in “I’m not good enough,” and “No one likes me,” and “Why am I even trying?”

And then . . . I let it go. I chose to remember the absolute truth that how someone on the internet rates me doesn’t change who I am. It definitely doesn’t dictate my future. I’ve got a lot to offer this world, and mark my words: I’m gonna.

And you know what, girlfriend? So are you.

Join thousands of other moms who are taking back their time and loving their mom life!

2. Find the Lesson.

Listen, as cliche as it sounds, there’s a lesson in every experience. It’s our job to find it. And not only for our own sakes, but also so we can guide our kids when this stuff happens to them. Because you know it will.

In my case, I learned a lot from my reaction. I realized just how important it is for me to be good at what I do—and to get validation from others that I’m good at what I do. I was desperate to know why the mean girl rated my work so poorly so I could rationalize it or defend myself in my own mind. The fact that she didn’t give me the satisfaction was bitterly disappointing.

But it also helped me to remember that not all criticism is created equal. Sometimes people criticize you because they’re truly trying to help you improve, or at the very least, want you to do better. Other times, they just wanna give you the finger.

My run-in with the mean girl was a great reminder that I can’t please everyone. Not everything I do or say is going to resonate and that’s ok. (No, really, it is ok). Let’s not ignore the majority of people who love and value you in favor of giving power and attention to the one who doesn’t.

I also learned not to make up stories in my head about why other people do the things they do. Seriously! When people don’t respond to your text messages or call you back; when they ignore your emails; when they give you bad ratings online, unfriend or unfollow you, don’t think for one second that you actually know why. In most cases, it ain’t got nothin’ to do with you. And let’s not forget. Some girls are just crabs in a bucket. They want to pull you down and keep you from rising up because they can’t stand the thought of someone else doing well. They just don’t believe they can shine if you do too.

Another thing I learned is that if I’m gonna stick it out as a content creator in this online world (and I fully intend to), I have to get used to people having opinions about what I create, and that those opinions won’t always be complimentary. Most of the time, their opinions won’t even give me much to go on. I have to draw on my own strength and self-worth to keep going. As one of my best friends said to me after the fact, weapons cannot be strong unless they move through intense heat and pressure. These bumps in my journey are applying heat and pressure to make me stronger.

Same goes for you, my friend. Unpleasant experiences are opportunities to grow. Plain and simple.

Finally, this whole thing taught me that I’ve probably been the mean girl to someone else. And chances are, so have you. Remember how it feels to be on the receiving end next time you’re tempted to dish it out. I know I will.

Let go of mom guilt and create a mom life you love!

3. Give Yourself the Win.

Just like there’s a lesson in every experience, there’s also (almost always) something good you can create from it too. Why not divert your energy and propel yourself into action? In my case, the mean-girl experience resulted in this post!

Next time you endeavor to be open and honest about who you are and what you have to offer, ask yourself, how can I create something worth criticizing? For real. Give yourself the win. Honestly, if you’re doing something that other people are bothering to criticize, you’re doing something right.

If you’re putting yourself out there, whether you’re starting your own business, crushing it as a direct seller, creating content or serving others in any way, you know it’s hard. It is not easy to wear your heart on your sleeve and literally bear your soul to the public at the risk of them trampling all over it.

But keep doing it.

Keep showing up. Keep giving it your all. Keep believing that you can do anything. Because you know what? You can.

Anyone can do anything, my friend. Why not you?

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