Guest post written by Cora Gold of Revivalist

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If you notice your child acting up or retreating into their shell more often, it could be a sign that
they could use more mental health support. Whether they are experiencing challenges at home
or in school, you can be a positive role model. Encouraging mental wellness starts with
practicing the right habits yourself to benefit both you and your child.

1. Assess Your Family Environment

Every family has its ups and downs. Pressurized work situations can cause stress and fatigue,
making you short-tempered and reactive with your child instead of patient. Besides work-related
stress, other family dynamics can cause anxiety, depression and behavioral problems in
children. Some of these stressors include:

● Friction that causes parental shouting and fighting
● Overcritical reactions from parents
● New family members in a household
● Child personality differences and sibling rivalry issues
● Unemployment or financial problems

Once you know the source of a problem, attempt to change it. You can bring more positive
energy into your home by becoming a role model for your child.

2. Enact Change

Many domestic situations require more than your positive attitude to change. In those instances,
consider speaking to a licensed therapist as a family unit or with your partner. Participating in
counseling destigmatizes seeking support from mental health professionals and can go a long
way in showing your child it’s OK to do the same — now or later in life.
How you behave, react and communicate with your child can all enact change, and your kid will
begin to appreciate your proactive presence and confide in you more. Your child’s mental health
may improve with more positive reactions to their actions and efforts.

3. Be Consistent With Rules

When setting rules for your child, follow them yourself. If you teach your kid to be respectful of
others and answer questions honestly, make sure you don’t shout, swear or get caught in a lie.

If you expect certain behaviors from your child, show them the same behavior — if you don’t,
they’ll likely mimic your actions instead of doing what you tell them.

4. Observe and Help Your Child at Play

With younger children, observing their emotions and responses through imaginative play gives
you an idea of how they view real-life situations. You can identify potential problem areas by
how their Teddy responds to something their Bunny says, for example. This type of play allows
your child to express their feelings by using toys to act out real situations. Use the same toys to
act out similar scenarios but show more positive emotional responses.

Likewise, observing a teenager playing sports or video games can identify areas of frustration or
pent-up anger. Seeing their aggressive or negative reactions means you can find ways to
change your teen’s mindset through positive reinforcement and support. All you need to do is
pay some attention.

5. Lose the Negative Speech and Raised Voice

It’s easy to shout or say things without thinking first. However, negative comments to your child
can affect their mental state. Youngsters can internalize those comments, which could cause
their self-esteem to drop and make them believe  that you don’t love them anymore.

Speaking calmly and helping your child learn when they make a mistake instead of shouting
encourages positive action and thought. Tone and voice level are as important as what you say.
If you speak calmly, you can put your child’s mind at ease, but angrily shouting can have a
lasting effect.

6. Truly Listen to Your Child

Speaking positively with the right tone is part of building your child’s mental confidence, and
listening properly to them is another. When your child talks to you, stop what you’re doing and
give them your full attention. Relax your facial expression and move your body closer. Respond
to their statements with confirmation before asking questions: “You said . . . ” followed by, “Did I
get that right?” gives your kid confidence they’re being heard and can continue sharing.
Show empathy for what your child is going through, and relate with the emotions they’re trying
to express. Be curious by asking pertinent questions that encourage them to think. Finally, offer
suggestions that might solve the problems they’re experiencing. You will earn your child’s
respect.

Mental Wellness Parenting

It’s easy to get home from a hard day at the office and be technically present while still
essentially being absent. Becoming integral to your child’s life means giving them your unerring

support and showing continual dedication. Your child will learn to be more like you — positive
and motivated.

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Guest post written by Dr. Hannah Yang of Balanced Awakening

Want to write for us? Click here to check out our submission guidelines.

Navigating adolescence comes with its own set of unique challenges, particularly for teenage girls. These experiences, while potentially character-building, often bring significant stress and anxiety that can be overwhelming to handle alone.

Mentoring young women can be an enriching journey for both the mentor and the mentee. By helping young teens embrace their individuality and build essential life skills, mentors play an important role in helping their mentees realize their full potential while accepting their vulnerabilities.

However, being a successful mentor requires a deep understanding of the specific pressures faced by teenage girls. Knowing how to effectively support and steer them through these obstacles is crucial for their growth and development.

Understanding the Challenges Young Girls Face

Even though many adults can empathize with the difficulties of teenage years, understanding the unique challenges that today’s adolescents experience is a different story. 

In an age dominated by social media and quickly advancing technology, teenage girls often find themselves surrounded by an unending barrage of social comparisons and pressures to meet certain standards.

Peer Pressure and Body Image Issues

While social media is an excellent medium for keeping in touch with loved ones and offers a space for individual expression and creativity, it also has its dangers, particularly for young girls.

Frequent use of these platforms may expose them to a variety of impractical expectations influenced by peers. Continuous exposure to these can lead to teenagers grappling with self-doubt, lowered self-esteem, and unhealthy concerns about their physical appearance.

Academic Expectations

The importance of a good education is well-recognized. However, the weight that academic expectations can have on young adults should not be overlooked.

In different cultures and communities, there’s an intense emphasis on educational achievement. This can particularly affect young girls, who may struggle with feelings of not being good enough if they don’t secure a spot in a top university or make higher grades.

Unfortunately, many of these academic pressures can create a cycle of unhealthy behaviors and thought processes. This can include skipping meals, not getting enough sleep, or experimenting with drugs that increase energy and focus but can lead to long-term physical and mental health issues.

Hormonal Changes

Every adolescent girl experiences the natural progression of hormonal fluctuations as they mature. This transition, while a normal part of development, can often feel intense for young girls who are navigating the complexities of their evolving physical and emotional states.

Young women also frequently encounter challenging societal expectations about how they should express their emotions. Some may feel like they need to consistently look happy or have an overwhelming willingness to please others, potentially at the cost of their own feelings. 

This ongoing expectation can contribute to emotional distress and hinder the development of effective coping strategies.

Mental Health Stigmas

Youth today have to deal with lingering misconceptions and biases associated with mental well-being. Despite advancements in public openness and acceptance regarding mental health matters, there still remains a notable reluctance to seek assistance or to talk frankly about personal mental health challenges.

This reality can be especially tough for teenage girls, who may wrestle with feelings of humiliation or guilt concerning their mental health experiences. Consequently, numerous girls suffer with their difficulties quietly, without seeking anxiety therapy support or resources that could help them manage them.

Effective Strategies for Mentoring Teen Girls

Keeping in mind the various challenges and issues that teenage girls may face, mentors can apply several effective strategies when working with them to navigate them successfully:

Create a Supportive and Safe Environment

Creating an environment where teenage girls can freely express their emotions is paramount. Achieving this may not always be straightforward, but it is crucial for building a solid base of trust and mutual respect.

This process involves establishing an atmosphere of unconditional acceptance and understanding. Promote open communication and reassure the girls that they are in a secure space where their thoughts are listened to, validated, and respected.

Listen Actively

Active listening is more than just hearing words – it’s about understanding and empathizing with the speaker. When mentoring teen girls, make sure to give them your undivided attention. Avoid interrupting or passing judgment.

Instead, respond with empathy and understanding, showing genuine interest in their experiences and feelings. This will help them feel valued and that their age is not a barrier to expressing themselves.

Work on Building a Foundation of Trust

Trust is the cornerstone of any successful mentoring relationship. It can take time to build, but once established, it will strengthen your connection.

Be consistent, honest, and transparent in your interactions. Show that you can be relied upon and that you respect their privacy. Remember, trust is earned through actions, not just words.

Help to Develop Important Decision-Making Skills

Adolescence is an important time for honing decision-making skills. In your role as a mentor, you have a significant opportunity to influence this developmental stage.

Encourage teens to think analytically, thoroughly assess their choices, contemplate the repercussions, and make more informed decisions.

This could involve role-playing various scenarios, discussing the pros and cons of different decisions, or providing guidance when they’re facing difficult choices.

Play to Your Teen’s Strengths

It’s important never to use a  one-size-fits-all approach when mentoring teen girls. Instead, focus on their individual strengths and weaknesses and develop strategies that work for them.

Some may excel in creative activities, while others thrive in more structured settings. Sometimes, a methodical approach like art therapy or journaling could be a powerful tool for self-expression and reflection. Whatever their strengths may be, find ways to incorporate them into your mentoring sessions to help build confidence and motivation.

Encourage Social Media Literacy and Self-Control

Knowing how to navigate online platforms safely is an essential skill for young individuals today. As a mentor, you have the opportunity to steer young women through the dangers of social media with experience and insight. Highlight the advantages and possible challenges they might encounter in these virtual environments.

Stress the value of thoughtful engagement – thinking before sharing, responding, or interacting at all times. Have conversations about the lasting effects that digital footprints might have, including the risks of cyberbullying and how things that end up online don’t always go away.

Exercise Problem-Solving Skills

As a mentor, a key goal is to nurture important problem-solving capabilities in your mentee. Instead of offering straight solutions, however, focus on steering them towards finding their own methods for tackling issues.

This process includes breaking down complex problems into simpler, more manageable parts. Encourage your mentee to approach potential solutions with creativity and to thoughtfully weigh the pros and cons of each possibility. Guide them to understand when it’s beneficial to ask for help or to take a moment to reassess their strategy for a better outcome.

Instill the Importance of Learning from Failures

Failure is frequently viewed in a negative light, associated with loss and disappointment. As a mentor, it’s vital to alter this perspective for your mentee, guiding them to understand that obstacles and setbacks are essential components of personal growth and progress.

It’s natural to be disheartened by setbacks, but reframing these experiences as opportunities for learning is vital. Encourage your mentee to think about what didn’t work and use this insight as a stepping stone for future attempts. Embracing this approach will not only build their resilience but also boost their confidence in facing future challenges.

Guide Your Mentee on How to Live a Happier and Healthier Life

Building resilience as a teenage girl isn’t something that happens overnight.  It’s a gradual process that takes time and nurturing. However, by guiding your mentee and empowering her with the tools to build a healthy mindset, you can help set her up for future success in all aspects of her life.

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I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I am fiercely loyal and I love deeply. I make friends quickly and I trust easily.  Those traits allow me to have meaningful connections and incredible experiences.  

They also, inevitably, set me up for some heartache and disappointment along the way.  

I had one of those experiences recently. Without getting into the gory details, I’ll simply say it was the grownup equivalent of having your best classmate tell you she doesn’t want to play with you anymore. Over text message. Complete with that old, “It’s not you, it’s me” song and dance. 

[Cue major eye roll]. 

But silly as it sounds now, I was upset when it happened. OK, I’ll be totally honest:  I was crushed.  I had thought this person was my friend, and that we were going to create some amazing results on a joint endeavor we had been working on together.  I felt blindsided when she told me (via text) that our partnership wasn’t working for her and that she wanted to explore other options.  

It was like being dumped.  Used.  Discarded.

So I let myself feel all the feels.  I cried.  I engaged in negative self-talk (“Do I suck?” “What’s wrong with me?” “Am I not good enough?”). And after fully experiencing my emotions (except for the one where I wanted to go Office Space on a printer), I released it.  

And, as I always strive to do after any life experience, I reflected on what this particular rejection taught me.  Here’s what I took away, and what I’ll help my kids take away when something doesn’t work out for them: 

• Always listen to your intuition.

Or, put another way, trust your gut.  During our “friendship,” I got little glimpses of this person that made me wonder if she was truly as genuine as she seemed, but I quickly brushed off those thoughts as unwarranted negativity, or paranoia, or another case of me “being in my head.” 

In hindsight, of course, it all fits together.  Your intuition will never steer you wrong, girlfriend.  There’s an old saying:  when people tell you who they are, listen.  

In this case, listening to my intuition would have spared me the heartache.  But I don’t actually regret the way things went down.  (More on that in a sec’).  

I am grateful, however, that I can see where my intuition was trying to point me, if for no other reason than it’s comforting to know I can depend on that gift when it really matters.   

• Remember The Moana Principle.

I’ve explained The Moana Principle before, but in case you don’t remember, I’ll quickly fill you in.  

In the Disney movie, Moana, there’s a part when she’s navigating the ocean on a raft, lost and alone, searching for Maui, a demi-god no one has seen in like, hundreds of years.  She has absolutely no idea how she’s going to find him, and in a moment of desperate faith, she calls on the ocean for help.  

The ocean, being the ocean, promptly throws her into a tumultuous storm while she hangs on for her life in terror.  The next morning, she finds herself shipwrecked on an island, frazzled and disoriented and seemingly no closer to finding Maui. Furious, she curses the ocean for toying with her, but in the next moment, who does she discover just happens to be stranded on that island too? 

Maui.  

The ocean delivered her right to him.  

You see the metaphor, right? 

Sometimes the fastest way to get from where you are to where you need to be is through a total sh*tstorm. 

This phenomenon is what I call The Moana Principle. 

And I’m starting to believe this recent experience will soon reveal itself to be one of those blessings in disguise.  I can already see how things are aligning and coming together for my benefit now that this partnership has ended, and I have complete trust and faith that I’m going to reach my goals even faster because it ended.  

It didn’t feel good when it was happening, but it’s clear to me now that it needed to happen.  

So next time life throws you a storm, try to see it for what it is:  a shortcut to bigger and better.  Don’t resist it; don’t curse it. Don’t shut your eyes and wish it wasn’t happening. Obviously, you need to experience it.  After all, it’s taking you exactly where you want to go.  

• Regret is a choice. 

Remember earlier, when I said I don’t regret the way this whole scenario went down? Here’s what I mean by that:  had I avoided the heartache, I also would have missed out on the fun.  

I had some great times with this person while it lasted, and learned strategies and skills I probably would not have otherwise learned if she and I hadn’t been pushing toward a goal together.  I don’t regret that for one second.  

Realize that regret is a choice, girlfriend.  And when we choose regret instead of choosing to see the value that exists in every experience, we allow ourselves to be robbed.  

I don’t know about you, but I refuse to feel robbed.  More importantly, I’m teaching my kids about that choice.  I’m showing them exactly what it looks like—ugly tears and all—to move on after feeling sad and rejected, and how to turn tough experiences into powerful life lessons.  

We are forged in the fire, my friend. Sometimes, it’s just not supposed to work out.   But disappointment and heartache only make us stronger, and you know what?  They make us better mamas too. 

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Have you ever opened a closet or a cupboard and thought, “When the heck did we accumulate all this stuff?” 

Duh, that’s a rhetorical question because you’re a mom, and therefore, of course you have.  

At this time last year, my husband and I were seriously considering an opportunity in his career that would have required us to move out of state.  One day during the lengthy interview process, I opened a cabinet under my bathroom sink, saw all the clutter and thought, “Am I really going to pack all of this and move it?  And if not, then why am I keeping it—even if we don’t move?” 

That one question helped me declutter every drawer, cabinet and closet in my house. 

And I didn’t do it overnight, or even in one week.  But once I started, it became my priority every time I had a spare moment.  I would ask myself that question as I went through all of our stuff—toiletries, Tupperware, toys, clothes, linens, everything. 

And let me tell you:  it was so cathartic. Not only did I purge a bunch of stuff I was no longer using and create a much more organized home, I was able to donate most of the items to charity, which felt really good.  

In the end, we didn’t end up moving.  But it was still a worthwhile exercise because it allowed me to declutter my home and, in turn, my life! 

So if you have a little or—ahem—a lot of clutter in your house, pick one drawer, one cabinet or one closet and try this hack.  Whether you’re moving or not, it’s quite effective. 

Now I know you might be thinking, “But Nikki!  What if I do end up needing this stuff? That’s why I’m keeping it!  Because I might one day need it again!” 

Listen, I hear ya.  I often have had that hoarder-like mentally too.

But the truth is, if you haven’t used it in over a year, you’re probably not gonna. 

And if parting with it still feels too final, just grab one of those big plastic storage bins with a lid from Target and put the stuff that doesn’t meet the “would I pack this and move it” test in there. Then find a place for the bin in your garage. If after another six months to a year, you still haven’t touched it, it’s time to say goodbye. 

So there you have it!  My hack for decluttering your home and your life.  Try it out and let me know how it goes! 

Here’s to making room in our lives for what matters most.  

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My foray in direct sales was born from a lack of fulfillment, boredom, and a smidge of desperation. 

Wait.  That sounds dramatic.  Let me back up. 

See, before I became a mom, I was a lawyer practicing commercial litigation for a prestigious, international law firm.  (I know—sounds very complicated and grown up, but it’s just a fancy way of saying I got paid to go to court on behalf of big companies and fight about money all day long). 

Suffice it to say, I didn’t love my job, despite that I was compensated well, had a strong sense of independence and, admittedly, felt kind of important when I went to court and judges listened to me when I talked.  At the end of the day, it was a grind and a half.  

So when I became pregnant with my daughter, I hatched a diabolical plan with my husband whereby I would pay down as much of my law school debt as possible before giving birth, and once our daughter was born, I’d quit to be a stay-at-home mom. 

Our plan went swimmingly. We paid down my student loans, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, took my full twelve weeks’ maternity leave and, when I returned to the office, promptly gave my notice.  I bid farewell to Big Law like, “Peace out, homies!” and stepped into my new role as CEO of Casa Oden without looking back.  

But fast forward two years and I had gone from a high-powered lawyer in pencil skirts and heels to an exhausted mom of two under 2 who was fairly consistently covered in bodily fluids that were not her own.  After a lot of denial, I finally admitted out loud one day that I wasn’t happy.  

The truth was I had completely lost myself in motherhood. I had nothing that was mine outside of being “Mommy” and “wife.” I knew to find myself again, I needed something just for me.  

The thought of going back to Big Law gave me hives, though, so I decided to start a direct sales business from home instead. I began my career with an organic food company and then moved on to one of the largest cosmetic and skin care companies in the world. At both places I saw tremendous success, earning all-expenses-paid vacations for me and my husband at the first company and a free car at the second.  

Now, let me stop right here and acknowledge the elephant in the room. 

I know direct sales gets a bad rap in the media. And as someone who’s actually walked the walk as a direct seller, I can sort of understand where some of that negative press comes from. But I also know being in direct sales can add immense value to your life.  

Here’s what I learned: 

 1) Always ask for what you want. 

When your job is to sell products, book parties and recruit new team members, you have to do a lot of asking.  Like, a lot a lot.  Over the years I realized asking for what you want is a skill that applies to all areas of your life. 

“Do you have any more sizes in the back?” 

“Can I get that without cilantro and add tomatoes and cucumbers?”

“Will you please donate to my kids’ school fundraiser?” 

“Will you pay me $100 per published article instead of $75?”

What’s the worst that can happen? They say no?  OK, fine.  Let’s indulge this terrifying what-if scenario.  They say no.  And .  . . are you any worse off than if you hadn’t asked? 

Nope.  

But what if they say yes?

To paraphrase the Bible, you have not because you ask not.  Ask for what you want, girlfriend. 

2) Be nice to strangers for no reason at all. 

When I was a sales director for the cosmetics and skincare company, one of the ways I was told to find new hostesses and team members was to genuinely compliment random strangers wherever I went and then invite them to the latest event I had on the books.  We called it “warm chatting,” and although it made me cringe, it also led to me meeting some amazing women with whom I’m still friends to this day.  

After I stepped down from my leadership role with that company to start Your Ideal Mom Life, I found myself continuing to warm chat, without the pitch.  

“Your eyelashes are amazing.” 

“You have gorgeous skin.” 

“I love your nail color.”

And you know what?  I discovered that it feels good to hand out compliments.  Try it.  At worst, some rando you’ll never see again thinks you’re nuts. At best, you make another woman’s day. 

3) Put yourself out there. 

Direct sales ain’t nothin’ if not a repeated series of putting yourself out there.  Is it possible people will make fun of you?  Yep.  Might they reject your offer?  You betcha.  Is it scary?  Uh, yeah.

But the more you put yourself out there, the closer you get to your goal.  And more importantly—the more you grow. 

Listen, girlfriend. You think Oprah became Oprah by playing it small?  Do you think Amazon would exist if Jeff Bezos hadn’t put it all on the line and fought to make a dream born in his garage a reality—despite all his critics?  Would you and I even be friends if I hadn’t decided to put my soul on the internet and start this blog? 

Remember that your kids are watching you. When they see you do hard things, they learn that they can do hard things, too. They grow from watching you stretch yourself and play full out.  They emulate how you deal with adversity and disappointment, and make the connection when they see you go after your goals and achieve big things. 

And they notice when you don’t.  They see all the times you choose to settle instead.

So get out there, mama. 

Try out for the ladies doubles league at the tennis center. 

Apply for the Executive Board of the PTA. 

Ask for the promotion.  

Start your own company.  

Run for office.  

Be the girl who puts herself out there and just goes for it.  

4) Be very intentional with your time.

You and I both know being a mom involves a beastly time management struggle.  Keeping the small humans in your house fed, bathed, educated, active and entertained on a daily basis is no joke. And of course, that’s on top of brushing your own teeth and hair, eating, sleeping, exercising and nurturing your relationship with your spouse. Add a home-based business to the mix and things can get ugly, fast.  

Being your own boss requires a set of habits most of us simply didn’t pick up in our early years, like being intentional with the 24 hours we have each day.  Having a direct sales business brutally exposed my deficiencies in this area, and led to me living in survival mode for several years.

But eventually, through lots of trial and improvement, I figured it out.  

Today, I’m like a time management ninja. And I can tell you with absolute certainty that doing a mental dump, prioritizing and time blocking are vital not only to running a business, but to creating a mom life you love. 

No doubt, there is a very real relationship between feeling confident and powerful in your mom life and deliberately planning out your week in advance.  

In fact, I’ve created an entire business around teaching working moms how to own their day, crush their goals and lose the mom guilt. (And it’s life changing, if I do say so myself).

Remember: you are the center of your household. When you become intentional with your time, you stop feeling overwhelmed and spread thin and start experiencing more patience and joy, and that will spill over into everything you do. 

Everything.  I’m telling you, friend, this stuff is legit.  

5) Don’t make up stories in your head about why other people do the things they do.

During my direct sales career, I reached out to a lot of people, met a ton more, and planted a lot of seeds. And let me tell you: not all of those seeds sprouted.  That means I sent like, a gazillion texts and emails that went unanswered and made plenty of phone calls that were never returned. 

At first, the temptation to invent a story in my head about why I didn’t hear back was almost irresistible. 

They don’t like me. 

Maybe she thinks I’m pushy and annoying. 

She wants to say no but doesn’t know how to tell me. 

And while sure, some of those hunches were undoubtedly true, the reality was that it usually wasn’t any of those things.  In fact, most of the time it had absolutely nothing to do with me or my business.  

Eventually, I realized I needed to give people grace and stop making everything about me.  Most people are completely absorbed in their own stuff.  They’re not plotting all the ways they can be intentionally rude or unresponsive.

So when people don’t respond to your text messages or call you back; if they ignore your emails; when they unfriend or unfollow you—don’t think for one second that you actually know why.  

In most cases, it ain’t got nothin’ to do with you. Maybe you reached out at the precise moment her kid barfed in the car, and therefore responding to you is (obviously) not a priority.  Perhaps her baby got a hold of her phone and unfriended all of her friends on social media.  Maybe her email got hacked and she deleted her account.  

Give people the benefit of the doubt and don’t make it about you. 

So. Freeing. 

I know direct sales isn’t for everyone, and that’s a beautiful thing. You’re shining in your unique gifts and talents, and the world needs that. In the end, direct sales wasn’t my forever career, but I’m glad I had the experience.  Aren’t you?  It led me to creating Your Ideal Mom Life—a calling I would never have otherwise discovered.   

Wherever you are on your journey, keep shining, girlfriend.  Don’t underestimate where your path is leading you.  And don’t forget to share all the beautiful nuggets you pick up along the way. 

I promise to keep doing the same for you.  

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Change is like the great equalizer.  Whether we like it or not, all of us are going to experience change in our lives. 

I believe no one understands this concept better than a mama.  Remember life (and your body) before your first baby?  Yeah, things have definitely changed since then.  

And like everything in life, change involves duality.  Sometimes change is good—like having a baby, scaling your business to the next level, earning a promotion or discovering a new ice cream flavor.  And sometimes change can feel . . . not as good.  Especially when we don’t necessarily choose it.  Losing a loved one.  Moving to a foreign place. Breaking up with a significant other or losing a job.  

But often, change that feels not so good is actually greatness hiding inside some icky discomfort. 

Like an edamame bean.  You have to bite through a weird, hairy shell that’s way too hard to swallow to get to the good stuff.  

So what are we supposed to do with that when it pops up in our lives?  How do we embrace the icky discomfort so we can get to the good—especially when our kids are watching us?  

I’m facing this challenge myself right now, and it dawned on me during an early morning meditation that I should probably start with doing as I say. 

That probably doesn’t make any sense.  Lemme back up.

I do affirmations with my kids.  It occurred to me one day when they were really little that some day, in the distant future, mean kids might tell my adorable, sweet, innocent little babies that they’re dumb.  Or weird.  Or bad at sports. You know—the stuff You-Can’t Monsters are made of.  And in that moment of realization, I actually felt offended and mad. I was all, “Aw, heck no!” (Please tell me I’m not the only woman who goes mama bear over situations that haven’t actually happened yet). 

Anyhoo, the whole experience got me thinking .  . . how can I prepare them for the inevitable trials of youth and adolescence—for the mean girls and the merciless boy hazing?  How do I prepare them for the stuff beyond all that, like the scariness of choices and trying something new and putting yourself out there?  

I’m not sure any mom can fully prepare her kids for rejection and failure and, you know .  . . high school.  But a girl can try.  

I settled on affirmations.  

And so, since they were little I have told them every day,“You are smart, kind, important.  You can do hard things.  You don’t give up easily.”  As they got bigger we added a few to the list, like “I try new things.” 

Admittedly, I threw that one in there so I could waggle a finger at them when we were introducing new foods and they wrinkled their noses.  I could be like, “Remember!  We try new things!”  

But when you’re experiencing a change, those words take on new meaning.  That’s what I meant when I said, I should do as I say.

At the end of the day, the discomfort that surrounds a change that’s been forced upon us is always rooted in fear. 

We’re afraid that the new won’t be as good as the old.  We’re afraid we won’t be able to handle it.  We’re afraid we might suffer, be embarrassed or feel pain.  

But you know what, girlfriend?  There was once a time when you had never before tasted ice cream or coffee.  You might even have been afraid to taste them at first.  But then, you tried those new things anyway.  And look at your life now!  Can you imagine your life without coffee?  (Side note:  I gave up caffeine a few years ago, so I actually can imagine my life without coffee, but substitute whatever your vice is here.  Wine. Laser hair removal. Botox. Whatever). 

A bit tongue and cheek?  Maybe.  But I think, at the core of it, the analysis is the same with any change.    

Everything we want is on the other side of fear. 

What if you try that new food and it’s delish?  What if losing that old job helps you discover a passion you can parlay into a new career that lights you up?  What if you move to that new city and you love it?  

Be open to those “what ifs.”  Remember that God (and the universe) are always working everything together for your good. Don’t hold yourself back from experiencing that good, even when it’s forced on you and has taken the form of a hard, hairy bean you’ve never seen before. 

You know, to this day, my kids and I always end our affirmations with, “You’re brave. You’re powerful.” 

And you are, girlfriend.  You are. 

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I once asked hundreds of moms what their greatest daily challenge is.  The response, hands down, was not having enough time.  That didn’t surprise me in the least, and if you’re a mom, you’re probably nodding your head like, “Girrrl, ain’t nobody more crunched for time than a mama.” 

Yet so often, we engage in colossal wastes of time and don’t even realize we’re doing it.   There are the obvious time suckers, like doing yourself what others can do for you, or spinning in frenzied circles every morning when some simple planning and organization tricks could have you sailing smoothly (and quickly) out the door.

But there are also really sneaky thieves of our time.  You can’t see them, can’t even pinpoint them, but they rob us of precious moments and keep us from fully enjoying life.  

One such thief takes the form of doors that close in our faces. You know what I mean, right?  Have you ever been dumped or fired and refused to let go?  Or been unwilling to forgive yourself for something that you wish you had handled differently?  Even now, might you be holding on to how things were before the pandemic, or how they “would have been” if none of this had happened?

This may be a harsh truth, friend, but pining away for what could have been is the ultimate waste of time.

I’mma say something obvious, because sometimes you (and I) need reminders: there is nothing you can do to change something that has already happened. Nothing. (Unless, of course, you have a time machine). 

Listen, I’m not saying you should dance around in glee when things don’t work out.  It’s absolutely ok to be disappointed and hurt.  And more importantly, it’s absolutely ok to express that you’re disappointed or hurt.   

What I am saying is that, as with everything in life, you have a choice.  You get to decide how long you want to stay in a space of anger, sadness or hurt.  Experience it fully you must, but once you do, realize that choosing to hold on to it or wishing it had gone down differently is not only a giant waste of time, but it’s robbing you of the joy that has popped up in its place.  And yes, joy has popped up in its place.  You only have to turn your head and see it.

It’s like that famous quote from Alexander Graham Bell:

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.“

My first marriage ended less than a year after it started.  After five years of living together, we lasted eight measly months as husband and wife.  For my part, it was humiliating and heartbreaking.  I would stare at my wedding photos and feel like an idiot. I would go to friends’ engagement parties convinced that everyone secretly pitied me for being such a loser.  When I had to change back to my maiden name, I literally thought I was going to die when everyone in my office received a new phone list with my name appearing in a different place alphabetically.

I felt unlovable.  I felt like a complete and total failure.  And you better believe I wasted hours upon hours wishing I had done things differently—wishing I could have avoided the hurt and the ugly I experienced in the months leading up to and after our divorce.

It took me years to appreciate that door slamming in my face. Now I can see it for what it was: a blessing. My only regret is that I wasted any time at all wishing that it had never happened. Had it not, I would never have been able to walk through the door that opened for me almost immediately, which led me to the father of my children and the absolute love of my life.

I wonder, friend . . . do you find yourself still staring at the door that COVID-19 (or a former boss or an ex-husband) slammed in your face, instead of at the door that’s been opened for you, through which you might find joy, peace or healing?

I gotta say, ever since this whole COVID-19 thing happened, I’ve found myself with oodles of extra time.  And I’m not gonna lie. It’s been awesome. Without anywhere to schlep my kids or myself because of offices, camps, organized group activities and even church being closed, it’s been—dare I say it?—sort of peaceful around here. (I mean, except for the periodic shrieking and intense, high-pitched squabbling over who destroyed what in whose world in Minecraft, of course).  Slowing down, while certainly not without its challenges, has been a huge blessing.

Which begs the question:

If there are unexpected blessings when doors are slammed in our faces, could we find similar fortune by closing some doors ourselves?

I’m voting yes.

My encouragement to you today is to be grateful for the doors in your life that slam shut.  Appreciate that God has made clear to you that the closed door isn’t the one you’re supposed to walk through.  And the open door? It might just be behind you, where you’re not looking.  Don’t stare at the closed one for so long that you forget to turn around and see it. 

Oh, and while you’re at it, go ahead and shut those doors you should have closed a long time ago but left open. You’re making the air conditioner work twice as hard, girlfriend.

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I believe in the greatness of humankind.  I believe anyone can do anything.  I believe good will always defeat evil.  And I believe God loves us all.  

But I won’t lie.  George Floyd’s murder has shaken my faith.  It has burst my bubble.  Pulverized it.  Blown it to shreds.   How could a man be so callously and cruelly murdered by a police officer in broad daylight simply because of the color of his skin?  How could that be real?  

I’m ashamed that it’s taken me this long to say anything.  I’ll admit that at first I thought I would just stay silent.  I told myself I wasn’t going to publicly engage in a political issue.  

But then, my highest and best self took a long, hard look at me and shook her head, shook me.  You have a voice, she said.  You have a platform.  Get real.  This isn’t a political issue.  

It’s a human one.  

And I believe in the greatness of humankind.  I believe anyone can do anything.  I believe good will always defeat evil.  And I believe God loves us all.  

We are all made in the image of God—all of us.  Every. Single. One. 

So I’m breaking my silence.  But the truth is, I don’t know what to say.  If I’m being raw and honest, I’ve never lived through real oppression.  I don’t know what it’s like to fear that my son might be mistreated or harmed by the police.  I didn’t want to know that such hatred could still exist in a world in which I’m raising my children.  

Because I believe in the greatness of humankind.  I believe anyone can do anything.  I believe good will always defeat evil.  And I believe God loves us all. 

When I was a senior in college, I was invited to take an elite writing course.  The topic was “Race as a Construct in America.”  A construct.  Meaning, race is constructed, contrived.  It’s made up.  There is no such thing as “race,” other than the human race.  And how can anyone deny that we are all human?  

It made perfect sense to me.  I suppose I’ve been naive all these years, believing it also made sense to everyone else.  When I started seeing signs reminding people that Black Lives Matter, I would say to myself, Of course they do.  All lives matter.  People matter.  

I didn’t want to believe that racism still permeates this great country—our country, mine and yours. I certainly didn’t want to believe that racism was systemic.  But now I know a different truth, and it’s shaken me to my core. 

This hatred has to stop.  God wants better for us.  I want better for us.  

I believe in the greatness of humankind.  I believe anyone can do anything.  I believe good will always defeat evil.  And I believe God loves us all.  So I’m not going to be quiet anymore.  I’m not going to stand silently by and watch hate win over love.  

Today, and every day, I will choose love.  I will read.  I will watch.  I will donate.  I will listen.  And I will speak.  

I will teach my children to stand up against hate.  I will teach them to choose love.  I don’t know that anything I do will ever be sufficient.  But I will do it.  

Because I believe in the greatness of humankind.  I believe anyone can do anything.  I believe good will always defeat evil.  And I believe God loves us all. 

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If you’re looking for some direction on what you can do to make a difference, check out this heartfelt piece written by my dear friend Cameron at This Custom Life. It’s full of great advice and tangible resources for every day moms like me and you who are struggling with what happened to George Floyd: Nine Ways to Teach Your White Kids about Racial Injustice.