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I appreciate truth bombs. Let’s just call things what they are. Let’s put out in the open what most people want to sweep under the rug. One such truth bomb that I, as a super high achiever, have come to understand is this: 

Having goals kind of sucks sometimes.

I know that sounds counterintuitive and goes against everything I normally preach. But it’s also true. And I want to talk about it. 

I’ll concede from the outset that nothing I’ve accomplished in my life would have been possible without goals. There’s no way I would have graduated first in my class from law school, or published a book, or started this podcast. I wouldn’t have married the man of my dreams after marrying the wrong guy first, and gone on to give birth to two of the best humans on this planet. 

None of my success has been by accident. I don’t believe in luck. I believe in setting and crushing goals, again and again.

But being a goal crusher has a dark side.  

Often, high achievers tie their identities to their performance. Some of us have a little voice that says incredibly rude things to us when we “fail.” Oh, you didn’t win the match/get the promotion/receive an offer of representation from the agent? You must be worthless. 

And when I say “some” of us, I mean me.  

Thus far in my forty-three years, I’ve learned how to deal with that voice. I’ve become quite adept at righting the ship and taking responsibility for my second thought, even if the first was some uncontrollable vitriolic garbage from the You Can’t Monster.

But sometimes, I can’t. 

Sometimes, the first thought feels like the truth, and I find myself wishing I didn’t even have goals. I regret pushing myself outside my comfort zone and stretching myself to grow, because when it’s hard—when it’s not happening, when it feels like all I do is fall short—it sucks.

Do you ever feel that way too? 

I recently found myself in this situation, and sheesh. It. Was. A. Doozie. It lasted for several days, and it felt different from the other times my You Can’t Monster has reared her head. For a minute there, I wasn’t sure I was going to make it out of her nasty clutches. 

Now, you know that I believe in fully experiencing all emotions, especially rage, sadness, and frustration, which I talked about in detail in Episode 130. Stuffing our emotions down because we’ve labeled them “bad” or “negative,” or because we’ve told ourselves we “shouldn’t” be feeling them, is only what we should do if we wanna be that lady who loses her shit in carline or at the grocery store because someone looked at her the wrong way. (Hint: you do not want to be that lady.) 

Stuffed emotion is coming out whether you want it to or not, girlfriend. Might as well expel it fully when it’s fresh and raw, and on your terms.

In my case, I experienced the emotion by letting the so-called “negative” thoughts run rampant. I allowed the You Can’t Monster to tell me that I suck, I’m worthless, I don’t add any value to this Earth. (Important note: if you try this, understand that I’m not telling you to believe those thoughts; just let them run.) 

It will not feel good. You’ll want to make it stop by doing what so many other coaches say to do, which is to “replace” the negative thought with a positive one. (Right. As if that actually works.) I say, don’t even try. That exercise is ineffective, and at its core, is a form of stuffing by ignoring. There is a better way. 

Let the vitriol spew. 

Because very quickly, your You Can’t Monster is going to say something so ridiculously untrue that even in the depths of your spiral, you will hear a record scratch in your head. For me, after a few minutes of naming all the ways in which I’m not good enough and should stop trying, it was, “And why even bother eating healthy and working out? You’re going to die of something.” That one silly thought made me stop and think, “OK, well now you’re just being ridiculous.” And just like that: the rip current abruptly ended and I was free to swim back to shore. 

But here’s where, until seeking the help of a therapist, I had previously been getting stuck. I was expressing the emotion, sure, but I still had no idea why I was getting to that point in the first place.

Understanding that the root of my tantrums is an underlying belief that I must win or succeed to be enough, my therapist helped me realize that all success is error-driven. The only way to figure out how to do something you’ve never done—or achieve something you’ve never achieved—is to do it the wrong way first. That attempt will give you information (data) that informs your next attempt. You try a different way the next time, repeating that process until you get it right. 

My therapist helped me see that all errors or mistakes are merely data points. They are opportunities for learning. That’s it. There is no winning or losing. There is no success or failure. There is only learning. 

And you know what, mama? You and I are excellent at learning. 

Being a mom is nothing if not a constant state of learning how to nurture, protect, and guide other humans. If we learned how to sleep train a newborn and how to get a toddler to pee in the toilet, we can learn anything. 

What if we just looked at all challenges in life from that perspective? Could you, from a place of deep curiosity and gratitude for new information, view all your future errors as mere data points? Could your second thought (after you forgive yourself for first calling yourself a dummy when you mess up) be, Thank you for the data point. Thank you for this opportunity to learn. Could you do that? 

Um, duh. Of course you could. 

So let’s start doing it. Let’s start viewing every endeavor as an experiment. Even this paradigm shift we’re discussing at this moment can simply be an experiment, during which we will learn how to respond to the errors and mistakes we make. 

Y’all, this one therapy session has changed my entire outlook on life. 

Instead of viewing my big, hairy, audacious goals as something to either achieve or fail to achieve, I now see them as a means by which to learn big, exciting things.

Right now, I’m not failing at getting my novel published, or sucking at winning tennis matches. No way. I am learning how to write a New York Times Bestseller. I am learning how to be a more consistent tennis player. 

And learning is so fun. Isn’t it amazing what a little therapy can do?

Listen to this post on the Love Your Mom Life podcast!

Nikki Oden

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Crushing goals is a huge part of creating your ideal mom life. We all have unique gifts and talents, and when we get that spark inside of us to go for something, I believe God is giving us a little nudge and a wink. 

Making those dreams come true is not always so easy, though, especially when you have kids. That’s kind of the whole reason I created the Your Ideal Mom Life community: so we moms can have a safe place to talk about our big, scary goals, and how to be the moms we want to be without the guilt. Part of the goal-crushing process is putting your goal out into the universe. Socializing it. Telling other people what you’re up to. And of course, cheering other moms on when they do the same. 

But here’s the ugly thing no one talks about when they’re going for a huge goal: all the times they flop flat on their face. 

Like when . . . 

You prepare for the promotion, give the best interview of your life, and don’t get the job. 

You’re eating food that is healthy as heck and working out like some kind of crazy Cross-Fitter, but the scale isn’t budging. 

You take all the lessons and attend every single practice, but you keep losing your tennis matches. 

Or when your debut novel—the project you’ve been working on with your blood, sweat, and tears for over 15 years—repeatedly gets rejected by literary agents. 

What do you do when that happens, mama? Do you throw in the towel? Chalk your goal up to something meant for “other” people? Do you quit? 

HECK NO, YOU DON’T.

Here’s what I do. I raise a glass and toast to the so-called “failure.”

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not exactly HAPPY about it. Of course it stings. But of course it’s going to happen. Rejection/losing/falling on your face is a huge part of the process of growing, of getting better, of achieving the goal. You know who else fell on her face over and over again?

Oprah. Meryl Streep. J.K. Rowling.

Aren’t you glad they didn’t give up? I sure am.

So, as I go after this ginormous goal, I choose to talk about how many times I’ve already fallen on my face. I raise a glass and toast to getting my first rejections out of the way.

And I want you to do that for yourself.

Keep moving forward. Keep taking those little tiny steps toward your dreams. And on your way there, talk about all the times you flop on your face. Celebrate them. We got this, girlfriend. Onward!  

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Did you know mompreneurs employ more than 9 million people in the U.S. alone? That’s a pretty awesome little fact. But you and I both know that for many moms, trying to harmonize the demands of running a business with the responsibilities of being a parent can often (read: almost always does) lead to frustration, burnout, neglecting your own self-care, and feeling like a hot mess!

Yeah. Been there, girlfriend.

But as you also know, there are ways to get off the hot mess express, and I have tried and tested just about all of them. And now, happily, I’ve figured out this whole momprenuer thing. (Sort of.)

A few weeks ago, I was thrilled to be a guest on Sticky Brand Lab podcast, hosted by Nola Boea and Lori Vajda. We had an incredible conversation about how to juggle business, self-care, and family when you’re a mom who works.

Tune in to hear my actionable steps, insights, and practical solutions for reducing those feelings of overwhelm so you can find harmony between your personal and professional lives.

Seriously, mama, do not skip this one. The 30 minutes you spend listening will be well worth it. This episode is good.

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In Chapters 2 and 3 of my book, I talk about getting crystal clear on your priorities (including the fact that you should be one of them), and dive into how to get off the hot mess express, using your biggest deepest desires as the guide for everything you do.  

But I suppose that begs the question:  what if I don’t actually know what my deepest desire is? 

My answer to that is always, “You do know; you just haven’t given yourself permission to embrace it.” But for those of you who insist that you really don’t know, I’m here for you, mama. Let’s talk. 

Let’s go back a few (ahem) years to when you were a little girl.  Do you remember what it was like to dream when you were little?  If you were anything like I was, you probably had a vision for your life.  A big vision.  Maybe you were going to be a princess.  Maybe you saw yourself as a ballerina or a singer.  Or, maybe, like I did, you believed you would become a world-famous actress. 

Whatever your aspirations were, I’m willing to bet big money that you weren’t dreaming about settling for an “okay” marriage or spending most of your time at an “okay” job where you’re totally underutilizing your gifts and drumming your nails on your desk every week, waiting for Friday to roll around. And I know you weren’t daydreaming about having an “okay” life in which everyone else’s dreams and desires come before yours.

Yet far, far too many of us moms are living exactly that way.  We tell ourselves that this is what being a grown up looks like.  We don’t pause to think about what we want anymore.

We give up on our little girl dreams. 

But getting in touch with what you want most in the world and identifying what you want out of your life is the only way you’ll get off the hot mess express because once you know what you want, it will be the driving force behind how you spend your time.  

Now, rest assured that deciding what you want today doesn’t mean your desires are set in stone. 

What you want can change at any time, and that’s absolutely OK. 

The important thing is that you’re always in tune with what you want, and that what you want is the driving force behind how you spend your time. 

This is where dreaming big comes into play. And when I say big, I mean like, really big.  Huge.  But before we put pen to paper, let’s do some visualizing, shall we?  

Take a moment right now to dream, like you did when you were a little girl.  What is your biggest personal or professional dream for this year?  And just so we’re clear, your job here is to dream big.  I’m in the “set-crazy-unrealistic-ginormous” goals camp.  Trust me, despite what conventional goal-setting wisdom might tell you, setting HUGE goals is the way to go.   So let your heart run wild here.  Hold that image of you accomplishing your dream in your mind.  See it clearly.  Imagine how you would feel if that dream came true at the end of twelve months, and then hold on to the feeling.  

Now we’re going to change the facts.  Imagine now that you had zero obstacles.  None.  You live in a world in which you literally cannot fail.  What would your biggest dream be then?  What would you go after?  What in your wildest dreams would you love to accomplish over the next  year?  Lose 25 pounds?  Reverse a chronic health condition?  Hit tennis balls like a pro?  Publish a book?  Open a cake store?  

Your only limit here is your own willingness to be big.  Allow it.  Big is awesome. 

So, I’ve gotta ask you: Was your first dream as big as the second?  If not, notice where you’re limiting yourself, even in your dreams.  That’s not meant to be a judgment.  (This is a judgment-free zone!  For reals!)  We all limit ourselves.  When we notice, we can adjust.  

So guess what?  Whatever your second dream was is the one we’re going with.  And don’t waste a single second worrying about falling short.  I promise, you will be far more fulfilled at the end of a year having fallen short of a huge goal than you would be if you achieved a “realistic” goal. 

Last year, I fell literally 67 times short of a revenue goal.  But you know what?  I tripled the revenue from the year before.  Had I set a “realistic” goal, I probably wouldn’t have even made it that far.  In my experience, “realistic” when it comes to goal setting is just code for “minuscule.”  Goals like that aren’t going to stretch you. We’re going BIG, girlfriend, and we’re not concerned about falling short.  

Play this episode again and again until you figure out what it is you truly want.  And once you do, you’ll know exactly what to do when you get to Chapters 2 and 3 of But Definitely Wear Mascara and have a smug little smile on your face as you’re reading. 

Here’s to getting exactly what you want, mama.  I can’t wait to see what you create.

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Last week, I made my morning news debut on Good Day DC to share my top 5 mom life hacks (and of course, to talk about my new book, But Definitely Wear Mascara 😍). 

My #1 tip? Every day, wake up just a little bit earlier than you are now to get guaranteed alone time.  It doesn’t have to be painful, promise!  You can start with as little as 10 minutes each day to get time that’s just for you, to sip peacefully on your first cup of coffee, journal, read fiction, or do something else you love. 

Think 10 minutes a day isn’t enough to feel like you’re taking care of yourself? Ten minutes is better than zero, mama. If you’re not currently getting guaranteed alone time every day, try this hack! 

Wanna hear the other 4 hacks? Watch the full interview here (it’s less than 5 minutes)!

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Today is January 19th. For most, today is just a Wednesday (unless it also happens to be your birthday, in which case, happy birthday!).  Productivity nerds like me, however, know today is no ordinary day.  

Today is Quitter’s Day.  

Did you even know that was a thing?  It’s a term that was coined in 2019 by fitness platform Strava after conducting a study involving 800 million people in which they discovered that January 19th is the day 80% of folks give up on the goals they set in the New Year.  

Dang! So soon!  

I’ll admit that I was shocked to learn this statistic (I thought most people at least made it to the first week in February), but after giving it some thought, I suppose it’s not all that surprising.  

After all, when we close out one year and head into the next, we’re excited.  We’re idealistic.  

And sometimes, we’re also unrealistic.  

Now, let’s get one thing straight.  I hate the word “realistic” when it comes to goal setting.  Despite what conventional goal-setting wisdom might tell you, setting huge goals is the way to go. I’m in the “set-crazy-unrealistic-ginormous” goals camp. 

But realize there’s a difference between setting a goal so big it terrifies you, and taking a first step towards that goal that’s just as big.  

Remember, although your goals for this year should be audacious, and should, in fact, be borderline unrealistic, it’s OK—in fact, it’s necessary—to start small.  Oftentimes when we give up on a big goal quickly, it’s because the first step we attempted to take in achieving it was way too big. 

If that’s you, trust me, you’re not alone.   

Here’s how you get back on track:

➡️ Start with what you’re going to have to accomplish on a monthly basis.  What action step can you take each month that, if done consistently for 12 months, would result in you achieving each BHAG?  Notice I said step, singular. You’re simply deciding on one monthly milestone.  So, for example, if your annual goal was to lose 100 pounds, your monthly milestone might be to lose 8 pounds. 

But if you’re going to stay focused (and away from the quitter’s table), we’ve gotta trim it down even more. 

➡️ Next, decide what’s the one activity you can do this week to ensure you achieve your monthly milestone?  

Often as you’re answering this question, your first several responses will be milestones as well.  Keep asking yourself the question until you get down to an activity.  Using the weight-loss example, the activity might be to walk five miles. (Side note:  Remember you’re coming up with something you can do.  There’s no point in choosing something that sounds good but you know you won’t actually do because it’s too hard or time-consuming).  

➡️ Finally, whittle it down to the granular by asking yourself, “What’s the one task I can do each day to ensure I complete my weekly activity?” Go as small as you can until you get down to a single task. In keeping with the weight-loss example, perhaps the task might be something as simple as, “Be in bed with face washed and teeth brushed by 9:30 PM” because that will ensure you wake up on time to go for your walk.  

See where we’re going with this?  We’re making big, hairy and audacious bite-sized.  

You ain’t no quitter, mama! This is your year! 

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We did it.  We made it through another year of raising humans.  It’s the beginning of January, and we have a beautiful, deliciously blank slate ahead of us. 

So . . . now what? 

I say we declare our intentions for this year.  Here’s my mom life manifesto for 2022:

• I give myself permission to put my needs first.
• I choose to make time for self preservation every day. 
• I choose to pursue my biggest, hairiest, most audacious goals and dreams.  
• I understand that I must take care of myself to be able to take care of my children and my family. 
• I allow myself to try new things, and choose to take the first step because I know the next step will reveal itself. 
• I refuse to be sidelined by mom guilt.  
• I give myself permission to say no to people and things that do not serve me. 
• I choose not to compare myself to other moms.  
• I choose to surround myself with people who are encouraging, supportive and hold me accountable. 
• I give myself permission to let go of perfectionism. 
• I choose to create harmony over balance.  
• I choose to focus on quality instead of quantity when I spend time with my children.  
• I allow myself to experience my emotions.  
• I allow myself to fall down, and I choose to get back up and keep going. 
• I give myself permission to ask others for help.  
• I choose to speak to myself the way I would speak to someone I love.  
• I believe that to love others more fully, I must first and foremost love myself. 

Today, I’m encouraging you to adopt your own mom life manifesto. Or, if you like mine, CLICK HERE to print it out and put it somewhere you’ll see it every day. 

This is our year, girlfriend!  I can’t wait to see what you create.

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I’ve always been a major bookworm. Growing up, I wasn’t that girl who was into cheerleading or dance. I didn’t play a sport.  

I read.  A lot. 

The Babysitters Club, thrillers by Christopher Pike and R.L. Stine, coming-of-age novels by Judy Blume and every single literary work based on Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield—from Sweet Valley Twins to Sweet Valley High to Sweet Valley University and all the Sweet Valley Saga stories—you name it, I read it. I had my nose in a book for most of my adolescence.  

As a grown up I haven’t made as much time for fiction as I did as a tween, although I am a sucker for anything written by Jennifer Weiner and have fallen hard for the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon—and will finish them, however long it takes me!  Instead, I’ve found myself devouring personal development books on Audible. (By the way, if you’ve never tried Audible, you must. You can legit consume a book and drive. It’s the coolest thing ever). 

These four books are totes worth the read (or listen, as the case may be), and have given me some of my most powerful tools for creating a mom life I love. And I truly believe every mother should read them because being a mom is the most intense form of leadership you’ll ever know. So why not level up?

Check these babies out:

1. The One Thing, by Gary Keller and Jay Papasan

I find myself returning to the principles of this book over and over again as I navigate the challenges of being a working mother who is also running a small business.  

​​The ONE Thing taught me everything I know about productivity and prioritizing. I used to believe all things matter equally.  They don’t. The ONE Thing shows you how to focus so that, in going after your big hairy audacious goals, you can identify the one thing you can do to make everything else easier or unnecessary.  

I know, I know.  What does that mean, exactly? 

Think of the steps toward achieving any goal as a row of evenly-spaced dominoes. The easiest way to knock them all down is simply to knock over the first one, right? The ONE Thing explains that this principle applies to the achievement of any extraordinary result in life or business, and gives you the tools to identify the lead dominoes in your own life.  

Throughout most of my life, I’ve tended to over complicate things. Learning how to make things simpler in both my business and my mom life has been incredibly valuable. 

2. You Are a Badass, by Jen Sincero

The mind is an incredibly powerful thing.  As a recovering perfectionist, I have spent a lot of time in my head, painstakingly over-analyzing and worrying. 

Through the power of self-discovery, I’ve learned how to command my thoughts and attention to create what I want to experience.  

You Are a Badass reinforces many of those principles and helps me remember that the universe is friendly and wants me to have my heart’s deepest desires. I’m the only thing standing in my way.  

I’d venture to say the same is true for you, my friend.

3. The Power of Habit, by Charles Duhigg

F.M. Alexander once said, “People don’t decide their futures.  They decide their habits, and their habits decide their futures.” It’s a powerful thought, and one I happen to entirely agree with after reading The Power of Habit. 

A habit, according to Merriam Webster, is an acquired mode of behavior that has become nearly or completely involuntary.  

Did you read that? Involuntary. In other words, once something becomes a habit, it requires zero willpower or effort on your part.  Imagine how much you could achieve if you intentionally created habits that serve you?  

The Power of Habit explains the “habit loop,” which enables you to understand how habits are formed and how they can be broken.  Coupled with The ONE Thing, I learned how to turn my lead dominoes into habits.  

Life changing, my friend.  

4. The 10x Rule, by Grant Cardone

This book is all about how to achieve big goals by taking massive action that most people simply will not take. While I’ll state openly that I don’t agree with everything Mr. Cardone says in this book, one of the “aha!” moments I took from it is not to be afraid of problems. 

Every time you hit a new level of success, you will be presented with a new set of problems, guaranteed.  But that’s a good thing.  It means you’re growing.  If you lose 100 pounds and have to buy an entirely new wardrobe, that’s a problem that needs to be solved, right?  But it’s a problem that came as a result of you achieving your goal, and is therefore something to be appreciated.  

The principle reminds me of a quote my business coach and mentor, Susie Moore, often repeats: “Overwhelm is a stress response to a lot of things going right.” I’ll take that kind of overwhelm any day.  

Fair warning:  Mr. Cardone is definitely an “in your face” kind of guy.  In the Audible version of his book, which he narrates himself, he shares that he was going to call Chapter 6, “Don’t Be a Little Bitch,” but in an effort not to offend anyone, instead titled it, “Assume Control for Everything.”  The main idea is that “crybabies, whiners and victims just don’t do well at attracting or creating success.” 

Personally, I like that.  I enjoy being held accountable. There’s something very empowering about realizing that you create what you experience—good and bad.  And the simplicity is kind of beautiful: there’s really only one person to “blame” when things don’t go right, and she’s staring back at me when I look in a mirror. 

While it can be hard to swallow when what you create is not so ideal, it’s also pretty wild to realize you create the good stuff, too.  I love being reminded to step into my God-given power to create what I want to experience.  It’s very cool stuff.  

So there you have it!  The four books that changed my life and that I believe every mom should read.  Go get to reading, mama. And if you legit “don’t have time” to sit down with a book, Audible instead while you drive, work out or do laundry.  

Leaders are readers, and you, my friend, are one of the most powerful leaders in the world: a mother. Give yourself the gift of personal growth.  You deserve it, girlfriend.  

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