Category Archives: Take Back Your Power

Why Rent the Runway Unlimited Didn’t Work for Me

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I can’t tell you how excited I was to sign up for this genius plan.  There is just something so glamorous and fun about popping onto your phone to select designer clothing for your next day at the office, like a modern-day Cher Horowitz scanning the clothes in her closet with a super sophisticated computer program.  (Can I get a “what what” from all the other Clueless fans out there?)

Now that my kiddos are skillfully peeing in the toilet, have strong command of their gross motor skills and can carry on legit conversations, I am back in an office twice a week working, or as I like to say, “lawyering.” I must admit that it was exciting at first to care about non-gym clothing and heels again. I was reminded quickly, however, how draining the morning whirlwind can be, especially when you’ve convinced yourself you have “nothing” to wear.  

If you’ve been part of this tribe for a while, you know that a phoenix doesn’t give her power away.  She harnesses it. And if she needs to, she takes it back from where she’s unwittingly let it get sucked away.  So when I realized that I had lost my power when it came to getting ready in the morning, I started brainstorming.  It wasn’t long before I landed on a potential solution.

Outsourcing.  Outsourcing is your friend, girlie.  

I’ve learned over the years that, although there are literally hundreds of tasks that need to be completed in your life each day, they don’t all have to be completed by you. That’s where outsourcing comes in.  Think about it. You don’t hesitate to outsource the care and education of your kids or the tidiness of your finger and toenails.  I outsource dish washing and laundry. Nowadays you can even outsource your grocery and household shopping. There must be a way to outsource getting dressed, I mused.  

Well lo and behold!  Such a solution exists, and it’s called Rent the Runway Unlimited (RTR Unlimited).  I had heard of RTR before, but had only ever used it for one-off rentals when I needed yet another “black tie optional” dress but didn’t want to buy one more such dress and watch it collect dust in my closet.  RTR Unlimited is different. I discovered this secret weapon when my friend Molly started showing up to our office looking all fabulous and expertly clad one day. “I love your dress,” I had commented. She grinned, undoubtedly knowing she was about to fill me in on the next best thing since the invention of the flat iron.  “It’s a rental,” she said gleefully. My antennae immediately went up.

“Tell me more,” I demanded as I settled into the chair across from her desk, silently wishing I had something to take notes with.

As any good girlfriend would, Molly immediately launched into the minute details of RTR Unlimited, including, of course, every tip and trick she had uncovered thus far.  I was excited to learn that you can rent almost anything, from shorts and jeans to ballgowns and handbags. “Even rompers,” she said. I nodded appreciatively. Impressive.  

Obviously, lack of notes notwithstanding, the tidbits I’d gleaned from Molly that day were enough to convince me to sign up.  I’ll admit that I didn’t jump onboard immediately because of the cost. I wasn’t sure it would be worth it. But I gave it a solid run and, because a phoenix believes we all get better together, I am sharing my RTR Unlimited wisdom with you.  And I read the fine print for you too because, well, I’m a nerd like that.

In RTR for one of those black-tie optional events.

How It Works.  So here’s the deal.  The program is $159 per month, which works out to a monthly grand total of $170.13 with tax in my South Florida county.  Your first month, however, is only $99 plus tax if you have a promo code (usually NEWCLOSET or FIRSTRTR.  Every now and then they’ll run a promotion that gives you $80 off your first two months with promo code OUTSMART).  For that price tag, you get unlimited access to RTR’s collection of designer clothing, accessories and handbags. You can rent the items for as much or as little time as you want, all the while looking SATC fierce.  And when you’re ready for something new, you ship your current rentals back to RTR with a prepaid UPS label.

Sounds like a no-brainer, right?  Well, yes, but first things first:  you have to figure out how much you’re spending per month on clothing and dry cleaning.  If it’s less than $170.13, RTR Unlimited isn’t going to make sense for you from a dollars and, uh, cents perspective.  I was convinced that I was randomly spending this much per month on clothing, but as it turns out, I wasn’t. Seriously, I was shocked.  So before you dive in, get a leg up and do this analysis first.  

After you’ve determined that the program makes fiscal sense for you and sign up, you’ll set up your profile.  That info includes your height, weight, bust size, body type and typical dress size.  Once those formalities are over, the fun immediately begins. And is it ever glorious!  It feels like a shopping spree on someone else’s dime because you aren’t paying the designer price tag. I recommend going through every category of clothing and accessories and marking your favorites, or as Molly instructed me, “doing your hearts.” Note: you may become addicted to this process.

Although doing your hearts is time consuming, it is so worth it.  As you mark each favorite, you will select a personalized gallery to save it to.  At first, I had galleries labeled “Work,” and “Weekends” but I quickly realized that I wasn’t able to find things as easily as I wanted to.  I recommend instead that you label your galleries by article of clothing, such as “Skirts,” “Dresses,” “Tops,” etc. Organizing your hearts that way will make putting outfits together a breeze.

Rockin’ a rental to speak at a private JDRF fundraising event.

From there, the hardest part is deciding what to order first!  The RTR model photos are helpful for this, of course, but the reviews are where the real dirt is.  They’re written by fellow RTRers (I just made that term up, like it?), and they are invaluable. Most reviews are accompanied by photos of the reviewer in the garment, so you get to see what it looks like on a real woman.  You can even sort by women who are “Like Me,” which means they’ll be approximately your height, weight and dress size. I never rent without scouring the reviews first. You shouldn’t either.

Molly shared a hack she discovered for ensuring that she has an RTR return pouch on hand at all times.  It will cost you a few bucks but she swears it’s worth it. “Pay to send one item back out of your own pocket,” she advises.  You’ll have to email the company to let them know that the item is coming via a different tracking number, but you’ll be able to keep the RTR pouch in which you received your initial rentals.  Once the company receives the item you shipped back on your own dime, another slot will open up in your bag. You can then rent a new item, which will arrive in its own RTR pouch. You now have two pouches at your disposal and can constantly have items coming and going in perpetuity.  

Renting for yet another black-tie optional event!

With RTR Unlimited, you can rent four items at a time and can rent and return as many times as you want in a month, but because you have to factor the turnaround shipping-to-and-from time into the equation, realistically the most often you will be able to rent is four times a month (give or take), depending on how long the month is and how quickly you wear your items.

I recommend filling up your bag with all four items every time you rent. Maximize your access. Plus, having all four items allows you to be fully prepared for your week, and preparedness is the foundation of power when you’re a woman, yes?   

If you tire of one thing before the others you can always send that item back first, which will re-open one slot in your bag to fill again. Conversely, if you fall in love with something, you can keep it.  That’s right. You can buy it from RTR at a discounted price. I love that this option exists, but encountered this pesky, inner voice reminding me that the whole reason I signed up for RTR Unlimited was to stop buying clothes.  Accordingly, I never took advantage of the purchase option, despite encountering a gorgeous Furla tote that had a hold on me, but you may not find your inner voice to be as pesky as mine was.

The Pros and Cons.  Like most geeky, analytical lawyer-types do, I also created a Pros and Cons list for your quick perusal:

ProsCons
You can affordably access designer clothing that might otherwise be totally cost-prohibitive to own. You need access to a conveniently-located UPS drop box.  Score if you work in an office because you can just leave it in the mailroom.  If, however, you’d have to drive out of your way to find a drop box, the convenience factor shrinks considerably.  You could schedule a UPS pickup at your home, but candidly, I can’t vouch for how user-friendly this process is because I’ve never tried it.
You will find yourself stepping out of your comfort zone and daring to wear patterns and colors you would ordinarily never wear.  What’s the harm? If it’s hideous you send it back to RTR, write a heartfelt review so as to save a fellow RTRer from ever renting it, and never have to see it in your closet again.RTR has to actually receive your return before the slots in your bag will re-open.  Kind of like Netflix from back in the day. I get it, but do wish that access could be based on when the tracking number shows that the items are in transit so you can process the next rental sooner. That turnaround time can be a real drag.
You don’t even have to clean the stuff.  You simply shove it back in the RTR-provided garment bag, slap the UPS label on it, drop it in a UPS box and voila!  Off it goes to whence it came. You’re committed to shelling out around $170.13 per month whether you wear four, eight, twelve or no outfits
You can cancel at any time and it’s relatively painless. They even have that cool feature that allows you to keep your place “in line” when you’re waiting on hold and hang up.  When it’s your turn, they call you. A+ for efficiency there. There are no backup sizes with RTR Unlimited the way there are with one-off RTR rentals.

There are a few other details you may be interested in, but for the most part, that’s all there is to it! Pretty straightforward, right?

Why I Pulled the Plug.  After having described all of the amazingness RTR Unlimited has to offer, you may be wondering why I canceled my Unlimited plan.  It boiled down to two things for me: the cost and the benefit. (Dang, don’t I just sound super banker-ish!) No, but seriously. For the cost, I wasn’t reaping enough benefit.  At the office where I lawyer twice a week, it’s only on Mondays that I need to look “lawyerly,” and I use that term loosely. On Tuesdays I can wear jeans and Converse or capris and flip flops, and often do.  

My RTR Unlimited experience brought me full circle on the issue. It inspired me to see my closet through new eyes.  As it turns out, I have a ton of cute clothing of my own. But I probably wouldn’t have come to that realization without the boost RTR Unlimited gave me. It empowered me. I got to thinking, I can do this!  I can quickly and effectively figure out what to wear! Funny, huh?

Since canceling RTR Unlimited I’ve been relying on my rotating uniform, but I’m still open to the idea of outsourcing my wardrobe needs every now and then. I continue to use RTR for one-off rentals when I have a special occasion or an intentional glam night out.  I’ve also had an eyeball on RTR Update. It’s the same concept as Unlimited, but allows for a maximum of 4 items and one swap per month.  You have access to less brands and no premium designers, but the price drops significantly to $89 per month (or $69 in your trial month). Programs in this price range also exist from other companies, like Le Tote.  I am considering trying one of these plans and will update you if I do.

Even though RTR Unlimited cycled through my life quickly, I’m so glad I tried it.  The experience gave me insight as to how a tool like this can be life-changing for busy, sharp women.  It also helped me out of a power slump and back into the driver’s seat. And you know what? It was just nice to do something indulgent for myself.   Like having my own back, coming to my own rescue. Sometimes a girl just needs a new tool in her Hermès belt, am I right?

So cheers to yet another way to take back your power! If you try RTR Unlimited, let me know what you think.   I can’t wait to see how beautiful outsourcing looks on you. Oh, and don’t forget to raise the roof for Molly.  She taught me everything (you and) I now know about renting the runway.  


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The Morning Whirlwind

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Life as a mother, a wife and, let’s face it, an adult woman in general is full of turbulence.  It’s beautiful and gross at the same time. And man, oh man, when is the chaos ever worse than in the morning, when you’re trying to get more than one human out the door looking civilized and smelling clean? (That struggle is real, girlfriend. Read more about mine here). Obviously, we don’t want to make that frenzied morning whirlwind even more chaotic.

But girl, do we ever. 

Good news, though: we can nip that right in the bud today. First things first: recognize that you are a powerful being. (And yes, I’m talking to you. And me). Certainly we can figure out how to harness our power effectively enough to combat hot-mess-syndrome, yes? (You better be nodding your beautiful head!). Of course we can.  As it turns out, taming the morning whirlwind and giving yourself a head start on having a good day starts with the little things. 

Having fallen on my face a few—ahem—a bazillion times trying to get off the Hot Mess Express, I’ve picked up some hacks on how to do this. Here’s what I’ve learned:

Tip #1: Plan tomorrow’s outfit the night before.

Nothing robs you of your power faster than not knowing what to wear and wasting precious minutes trying on outfit after outfit when you could be doing something more productive, like, I don’t know, eating breakfast?  That kind of furious outfit changing also often leads to a downward spiral into the land of “I have nothing to wear,” which is one stop before “Nothing looks good on me.”  Both places are to be avoided!  So when I say plan your outfit, I mean plan it to the last detail, including your accessories. I even lay out my gym clothes the night before, right down to my socks.   

If you have a particularly hectic work week, consider planning your entire week’s outfits on Sunday night, before the mayhem of the week begins. This strategy is particularly effective when you first create a rotating uniform of sorts. The “uniform” should be comprised of several pieces that you know look great on you.  Old faithfuls, I call them. At the office where I lawyer twice a week, Mondays and Fridays are business casual but Tuesday through Thursday we’re allowed to wear anything appropriate for being in public, including jeans and sneakers.  So my Monday “uniform” consists of four dresses that I feel great in.  If I want to get creative and wear something off-uniform on a Monday I certainly will.  But if I have no idea what to wear I fall back on the uniform.  Easy. Also, not time sucking.  Score!

Alternatively, you could outsource the whole thing and have your outfits (complete with accessories) shipped right to your door.  Talk about hassle free.  Heck yeah!

Tip # 2: Slay the Hair and Makeup Beast.

This is where the rubber meets the road. Unless you’re bald and allowed to wear ginormous sunglasses to work, the hair and makeup syndrome is a real B-word. When I was practicing commercial litigation for Big Law and working 70 hours a week, I remember attending a women’s networking event at which the keynote speaker was the global leader of one of the largest, banks on the planet. She spoke about the honest and real struggle our gender endures to look professional every day. She coined it, “The Hair and Makeup Handicap.” She snorted at the thought of daring to show up at her office without her hair and makeup done. “People would gasp and ask if I was ill,” she said. It’s funny because it’s true.

I left that event feeling refreshed by her raw honesty. Her cleverness at having identified the insidious nature of something seemingly so innocuous inspired me. Since then, I’ve reflected on the hours painstakingly spent on hair and makeup by womankind every day.  I’ve tested a few tricks on myself along the way and have learned how to get ready in half the time it used to take me, and mind you, I have wavy hair that must either be deliberately curled or straightened but cannot be left to its own devices.

Number one on my new best friend list: this wet-to-straight flat iron.  It will literally take your hair from wet to dry and straight in one step. I find that it works best if your hair has been air drying for about 15 to 20 minutes which, of course, is the perfect time to be putting on that outfit that you already picked out and doing your makeup. 

As a former sales director for the largest skincare and cosmetics company in the direct sales industry worldwide, I’ve learned a thing or two about makeup. Most importantly, I’ve learned that you can get ‘er done with as few as four products and in 10 minutes or less. And although I’d never advocate driving while putting on your face, I will say that my routine is so simple you could do it at a stoplight in your car. All you need is foundation, an eyebrow pen (or brow-colored eye shadow and an angled brush), mascara and a tinted lip balm. For my money, I love Sugar Rose.  It’s buttery smooth, super hydrating, and adds just enough color to make you look energized. Plus a mirror isn’t needed to apply it, which means I can slather it on as I’m walking into my destination.

Eyebrows matter the most! If you have time for nothing else, fill in your eyebrows.  Extra points if you can slap on some mascara. At the very least, you’ll look like you tried. You’ll also look awake, which is generally a good thing.

Does all of this stuff really matter?

Oh yes, my friend.  In addition to being a form of self-care, there’s another, deeper reason that all of this “vanity” stuff is important.  It’s yet one more way for you to step into your greatness. Be proud of how you were created. Could you go out looking like you just rolled out of bed, pants with zippers be damned?  Sure, you could.  Will you feel powerful?  Probably not. And that likely means you won’t act powerful, either.  

Don’t shrink away from the beautiful woman you are.  Be unapologetic about wanting to take care of yourself.  Living as your highest and best self means not trading away your beauty and strength just because you’re a mom or a wife now.  It’s ok to feel pretty. It’s ok to feel powerful. Your kiddos are watching everything you do. Show them that the greatest thing they can ever do is love themselves by demonstrating that you love yourself.

Who knew that choosing your outfit the night before and adding four cosmetics to your routine could be the first step to creating your ideal life? Sound hokey? I dare you to try it.

Go on with your cute self. And while you’re at it, let me know how it goes.

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How to Say “No” without Losing Your Friends

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  • Photo by Jen Theodore on Unsplash

Breaking up with someone is never easy.  And I’m not even talking about a real breakup, where you may need to reclaim your toothbrush or vacate some drawer space and you might actually cry.  I’m just talking about those awkward, “I’d-rather-be-at-the-dentist” moments when you have to turn someone down.  It’s downright uncomfortable having to tell someone no, so what do we find ourselves repeatedly doing instead? Not saying anything at all.  Or worse, saying yes and then feeling very, very resentful.

Now I can only speak for myself, but I’d be willing to bet good money that you would much rather someone give you their best yes (or be honest and politely decline) than pretend to be interested when they’re not or completely ignore you.  Right?  So why don’t we operate this way ourselves?  Why can’t we be, as the saying goes, the change we want to see in the world?

One reason: women hate to say “no.”

As women, we so often want to keep the peace, don’t we?  We want to please others and try to make them happy.  It’s sort of a natural extension of that whole “if that mocking bird don’t sing, mama’s gonna buy you a diamond ring” thing.  I believe it’s simply the way God made us.  In right order, this behavior serves us well in our relationships.  But when we aim to please others at our own expense, we give away our power.  And that, my friends, is no bueno. 

We’ve all been there, though.  Surely you remember that time your neighbor roped you into participating in her cookie exchange (which you later found out required 5 dozen baked-from-scratch cookies that couldn’t be the same flavor as anyone else’s cookies and oh, can you make them gluten free?).  Or that time your kid’s preschool asked if you could pretty please call every single parent who signed up to bring an item for the upcoming classroom party to remind them of exactly what they had signed up to bring and, despite the fact that these people are grownups who can read and presumably have the bandwidth to remember a bag of chips, you graciously agreed through gritted teeth.  Saying yes when you want to say no is a go-to recipe for stress topped with a giant glob of pull-your-hair-out resentment.  #amirite?

Being on the flip side of this equation is no better.  I was recently faced with this very issue and I’m not gonna lie. I played ostrich for a couple of weeks and intentionally stuck my head in the sand, pretending that if I ignored the issue long enough it would forget about me and go away.  Do you think that worked?  (Spoiler alert:  it didn’t).

It was a situation in which someone had submitted a proposal to me (about techie stuff for this blog, actually) and I was deciding whether to hire her.  I ultimately decided to go in another direction but the thought of telling her no was killing me.  It didn’t help that I liked her personally and believed she was totally capable of getting the job done.  Saying yes, however, simply didn’t feel right.  So, I hemmed and hawed with myself and made up a bunch of stories in my head about how I didn’t want to hurt her feelings and that she’d take the hint from my silence, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

That got old fast, though.  I’m a phoenix.  Behaving like an ostrich is like, the exact opposite of my life’s purpose.  I started thinking about what I would want if I was the one waiting to hear back.  And I knew what I had to do. 

I picked up the phone and called her live.  I didn’t hide behind a text or an email.  I told her the honest truth and you know what?  She was very gracious and professional about it.  Oh, and bonus:  neither of us died.  Holla!

That evening, I got an email from her thanking me.  She said every now and then she’ll prepare a proposal for a potential client and not hear back and she always wonders why.  She actually appreciated that I told her no and didn’t leave her hanging. 

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Will wonders never cease!  You see?  Be the change you want to see in the world!  We want to teach our children how to live in alignment with their priorities by actually living that way ourselves.  That kind of unapologetic confidence is born from being decisive. 

Be decisive alongside me.  Need I remind you, girlfriend:  you are a phoenix—not an ostrich. 

Remember that time invested in one area is time away from another. If it’s not your best yes, don’t say yes.

By saying “no,” you’re creating an opportunity for someone else to shine and give her best yes. See how beautifully that works out?

So next time you’re faced with having to say no, say it.  You can still be your warm and fuzzy self.  Just be powerful enough to reply, “If I say yes to this, then I’d be saying no to [time with my family] or [time I blocked to work out] or [(fill in the blank)].”  And if saying it on the spot feels too scary you can always fall back on, “Let me give it some thought and I’ll get back to you.”  Give yourself some time to think, pray or feel about it, come up with kind but honest words to use, and then get back to that person and just say no.

Take back your power, girlfriend.  You’re way too cute to be hiding your awesome head in the sand anyway. 

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That Time I Threw My Tennis Racquet at My Coach: The You-Can’t Monster Strikes Again

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Ok, in fairness, I didn’t throw it at him to hit him. I just threw it forcefully across the net and it went flying in his general direction. Thankfully, it landed at his feet without actually touching him. And he was very gracious when I apologized. “Did I say something to upset you?” he’d asked.

“No,” I’d grumbled. “I’m just frustrated with myself.” Or more specifically, with my seeming lack of ability on the tennis court. That day’s practice did not get any better, and ended with me letting out a Splash-Mountain-worthy scream when I missed yet another easy ball. I recall one of my teammates scolding me disdainfully from the neighboring court. “DEAL WITH IT!” I’d yelled back at her. But like a crazy lady. I can’t deny it. I acted like a crazy lady.

Walking off the court, I demanded to know from my coach if I could demote myself and move down a level. “No, Nikki,” he’d said patiently, shaking his head. “You’re already on the roster for this division. That’s against the rules.” I know that rule full well, of course.

“Well then can I get my money back?” I’d snapped. He looked me in the eye then. “You want to quit?” I jutted my chin out and crossed my arms. “Maybe. I suck.”

I’m laughing at myself as I recall the memory now.  (The way I say that, you’d think it was years ago.  It wasn’t.  It’s been a month, tops).  And while objectively one could say I did not display my best behavior, or that I showed up like a petulant, adolescent girl, I must admit I’m proud of my ability to freely release my emotions. Indeed, the way I behaved that day doesn’t bother me so much.

What I resist about this experience is the reason I melted down in the first place. It was that familiar feeling in the middle of my chest that once again had become a physical manifestation threatening to spill out of my eyes.

It was that voice repeating itself in my mind, over and over, “You’re not good enough. You don’t belong here.”

That creation is what did me in at practice that day, no doubt. And it didn’t stop there. My stinkin’ thinkin’ quickly spiraled into, “Why would anyone ever listen to you about the power of a positive mindset? Clearly, you don’t have one! Why would anyone take advice from you? How could anyone ever be inspired by you?”

I found myself desperately trying to claw my way back into being positive and graceful and then berating myself for not being able to do so.

My self-discovery trainer Ami says it’s like having your foot on the gas and the brake at the same time.

Yep. That’s a head-smacking, painfully accurate analogy if I’ve ever heard one.

You know, as gritty, determined and resilient as I am, my “I suck” moments sure are intense. You’ve been there too, right?  You know you’re powerful beyond measure, you know you’re wonderfully made, but it’s like someone has you handcuffed, blindfolded and gagged.  I’m naming this culprit the “You-Can’t Monster.”  We all have one.  She’s an insidious thing, lurking in our minds waiting to pounce on us anytime we think of stepping into our greatness.  

You know who I’m talking about. She’s always saying you can’t afford it, you don’t deserve it, you won’t be any good at it. She rolled her eyes at you when you considered jumping into that exciting direct sales business opportunity and ticked off on her mean little fingers all the reasons you wouldn’t succeed. She shook her head when you thought you might sign up to run a 5K and reminded you how hard it would be and how not athletic you are. And when you decided to put your soul on the internet and start a blog dedicated to empowering other women she raised her eyebrows at you and laughed.

I don’t know about your You-Can’t Monster, but mine is a real bitch.

So how do we combat her?  Can we combat her?  The answer, of course, is heck yeah, and here’s how.  First, we have to accept that our respective You-Can’t Monsters only exist because we created them.  Don’t get me wrong—we didn’t create them intentionally.  It happened slowly over time, the culmination of not-so-nice experiences dating back to when we were kids.  Someone told us the picture we colored wasn’t good enough or didn’t want us to play Four Square with them.  Someone else made fun of our ideas or slid away from us when we tried to sit next to them on the bench at lunch.  They told us our dark, curly hair looked stupid or that our outfit was ugly and before we knew it, a part of us started believing them.  And then it was done.  Your You-Can’t Monster was created and you didn’t even know it! 

But there’s good news.  What you create you can also discreate. (Is that a word?)  

Create your ideal life, one week at a time. Get the YIML Weekly Designer here!

Don’t worry.  No violence is necessary.  Ami, whose professional life is dedicated to training others how to harness their God-given power, helped me realize recently that my You-Can’t Monster only rears her head when I’m not being who I am. In other words, combating yours is as simple as remembering who you are.

You’re God’s daughter.    

Say what?  That’s right, girlfriend.  You’re God’s daughter.  Take a moment to really think about what that means.  You are fearfully and wonderfully made.  You are powerful beyond measure.  You have it all. 

I can guess what you might be thinking.  That’s it?  That’s supposed to erase years of self-doubt?  Look, I’m no expert and I don’t purport to have any empirical evidence to back me up, but yeah. I think it can. At the very least, it shuts my You-Can’t Monster right up. And it’s no wonder. What could she possibly say to that? “No, you’re not?” Ha. That’s like saying the sky isn’t blue.

In other words, she ain’t got nothin.’

During my most recent tennis match, she showed up and started running her mouth. But this time, I knew what to do. I said to her out loud (under my breath, mind you, so as not to alarm my opponents or my partner about the fact that I was literally talking to myself), “You can do whatever you want. I’m God’s daughter. I decide. I’m winning this point.”

And I did. After that, my partner and I went on to win many, many points and we won the match emphatically at 6-2, 6-3. (In a related story, that post-match glass of Sancerre tastes so much better when you win).

Try it. The next time your You-Can’t Monster shows up and starts throwing her annoying weight around to ruin your day, tell her what’s up. You’re God’s daughter. You decide. Ain’t nobody got nothin’ on you, beautiful.

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Meditation, Mindfulness and All that Mumbo Jumbo: A Guest Post from the Peaceful Mamas

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Wow! My first guest bloggers, Peaceful Mamas Natalie Sager and Lindsay Ambrose. I won’t try to hide my excitement. Now, as I may have mentioned once or twice, I’m not exactly sure how all of this works. (Am I supposed to write an intro? Am I not? Does it matter?). Thus, in true “Nikki” fashion, I’ve decided to simply create what I want to experience.

So. Imma take a moment to give you some back story.

I met Natalie in 2011 at a pilates studio. I had signed up for a private lesson at an un-Godly hour of the morning–no doubt so I could make it to my grueling lawyer job in downtown Fort Lauderdale at a decent hour and begin billing clients to meet my ever-pressing billable hour requirement. As soon as I walked in I noticed she was pregnant, and I immediately felt connected to her because I’d just learned the day before that I was pregnant too. As women who exercise for a living often are, she was adorable and fit everywhere except for her little belly bump.

“Look how cute you are!” I’d said out loud. “You’re pregnant!”

She had laughed warmly. “Yes, I am.”

“So am I,” I had blurted out. I hadn’t even told my parents yet. Can you believe that? Natalie, who at the time was a total stranger to me, was the first person I told I was expecting my first child.

Today it’s such a thrill to see Natalie, now a mother of two boys, totally embrace who she is as a mama and step into her greatness. Together with her co-author, Lindsay, she has embarked on a mission to change the world by empowering other moms. In fact, they wrote the book on motherhood–literally. They’re even launching a podcast, and guess who’s appearing as a guest in one of their episodes? (Yep. Me!) And they definitely know a thing or two about mindfulness, which is one of the many reasons I wanted to highlight their work.

Check them out on Amazon and stay tuned for more info on the podcast. Enjoy their post!

This post contains affiliate links. If you click on them, I may earn a commission at no cost to you. Thanks for your support!

Meditation, Mindfulness and all the Mumbo Jumbo

We’ve noticed that we’re much more productive, peaceful and centered when we intentionally connect to our higher self.

What does it mean to connect to my higher self?

Well, it’s kind of personal. Meaning it’s a unique connection with yourself and varies incredibly from person to person. Some people are super spiritual, some people roll their eyes at the word spiritual, and then there are the people in between.

Regardless of where you are personally on your path to peace, we would love to help you create time, space and an attainable way to add Mantras, Meditation, Mindfulness and all the Mumbo Jumbo into your daily or weekly practice.

As previously mentioned, your connection to your higher self and source/creation/grace/God/Universe is entirely private. No judgements, no explanations needed, no rules and no expectations. We often shy away from practicing meditation because we are afraid we’re not doing it correctly.

There is no right or wrong way to meditate and connect. It’s your way. However you feel comfortable and heart-centered is the right way.

Here are a few ideas for how to connect

1. Mantra
A mantra actually translates to mind release. So, it’s a way for your monkey mind (the chatter in your head) to release (if only briefly). So, what mantra could you repeat to help your mind release?

Below are some examples you can include in your practice. Try sitting on a pillow with your back straight, spine aligned, breathing deeply in for 4 seconds, holding your breath for 4 seconds, releasing your breath for 4 seconds. All while repeating one of these Mantras.

  • I trust, I believe, I digest life with ease
  • Breathe in peace and release
  • Let it go, go with the flow
  • I receive because I believe
  • I am optimally health
  • I am at peace with my body
  • Peace begins within me
  • Breathing in peace, breathing out love
  • I am love, I am kindness, I am peace

Try out this Peace Begins Within guided meditation

Meditation

Meditation is a tool to help you ground, center, and connect to your higher self. It has been said that praying is talking to God and meditating is listening for the answers.

So, all you need for meditation is patience and open mindedness. You can meditate at the beach, in bed, on a pillow, in a parked car, at your desk, in the shower or bath…you get the picture.

We sometimes think of meditation only as sitting on a mat. We can practice it at any time though, this is called walking meditation.It can be 2 minutes or 2 hours. Whatever is realistic for you.

Apply the same principles above, but with no mantra. Just focusing on your breath and allowing the thoughts in your head to naturally float by with no judgement. Notice the thoughts and then visualize them passing by on a cloud.

Try out an app like Insight Timer to choose music and sounds for your meditation or even try a guided one.

3.  Mindfulness

The practice of mindfulness in very simple terms, is about paying attention to what’s going on in this exact moment it’s happening. You can mindfully chew your food, paying attention to the taste, flavor and texture. Noticing how your jaw moves up and down and your teeth grind the food into a near liquid before swallowing. You can mindfully walk to the mailbox to get your mail paying attention to how you place your foot on the ground with each step you take. Noticing the sounds, smells, and feelings around you. For a free mindfulness exercise go to 

4. Mumbo jumbo

Mumbo jumbo is only what you perceive. If you perceive everything above as nonsense then that is how it will be reflected to you. If you use the above suggestions as tools to bring yourself to consciousness, you’ll feel the greater presence and centeredness from doing so.

Check out this loving kindness mediation 

The benefits from practice may not be in the actual practice but later on in the day

It’s not so much about the actual mantra, meditation, or mindfulness practice where you experience the positive results. It’s doing these practices proactively that help us later on and we respond differently, with more calm.

When something happens that boils you up, as is natural to happen. It’s not perfect all the time. We can choose to respond differently.

We can create some space between what’s happening around us and how we respond. We can feel what we feel and then return to our own inner peace. We can return to the love, joy, wisdom, and peace that is within us.

Mantras, meditation, and mindfulness are a few amazing ways to connect to our soul, spirit, true self or higher self.

For more ways to connect within, so you can show up in parenting and life as you desire, check out PeacefulMamas.com. 

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How to Be a Time-Management Ninja

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I was scanning my mess of an email inbox recently when a message caught my eye. HELP! BoxTop volunteers needed this Wednesday!, I read.  Out of curiosity, I clicked on the message and saw the latest, urgent plea from our PTA fundraising coordinator.  This time she was asking (begging?) for volunteers to come help her and a few other moms painstakingly sort and bag BoxTops to redeem at ten cents a pop to raise money for my daughter’s elementary school.  From the sounds of the email, she had literally hundreds—maybe thousands—to sort through. On some weird level, I felt a twinge of envy at the thought of having enough margin in my day to dedicate to sorting and bagging BoxTops.  God bless those women.  I shook my head instead and pressed delete.  “Ain’t nobody got time for that,” I muttered to myself.

I always crack up when I hear that phrase.  It reminds me of the viral YouTube video Daniel Tosh aired on his show once of a woman named Sweet Brown who was being interviewed about an apartment fire.  She made the hilarious, now iconic, statement when describing the effects of the smoke inhalation.  “I got bronchitis,” she lamented.  “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

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The funniest things are often true, aren’t they?  As a mom, I know I’m not alone in sometimes feeling like I don’t have enough hours in the day.   I’ve discovered recently, however, that telling yourself you don’t have time for something is nothing more than a limiting belief.  Don’t give me the judge-y eyebrows!  It’s a true statement.  Not convinced?  OK, allow me to back up and start with something easier.  Raise your hand if you have a maximum of 24 hours in a day.

Oh, look at that!  We’re all raising our hands.

You, me, the President—we all have the exact same number of seconds, minutes and hours to work with each day.  That’s a universal truth we can all agree on, yes?  So what’s our deal?  Why do some women seemingly always have time to exercise, serve their families home-cooked meals, volunteer, work and straighten their hair, while others . . . don’t?   Do those fit, working, cooking, volunteering, smooth-haired women have time turners?

Nope.  That’s just the limiting belief rearing its head.  Truth?

When we say we don’t have time for something, what we’re really saying is, “I choose not to make that a priority.”  It really is that simple.  It’s a choice.  Time invested in one area is time away from another.

Makes sense, right?  None of us can be in two places at once (unless, of course, Dumbledore did indeed give you a time turner).  Once we understand that we get to decide what we make a priority in our lives, we can take command of our schedules from a place of power.

And a little game plan never hurt anyone, right?  Check out my top 3 tips for getting the most bang for your buck—er, minute—every day:

Tip #1:  Time Block.

Did reading that just make your brain hurt?  Stay with me.  I promise this habit isn’t painful.  Although “time blocking” sounds rigid and camp-counselor-clipboardy, it’s actually quite freeing.

To begin, I intentionally sit down with myself once a week, usually on Sunday evenings, and do a complete mental dump.  There’s nothing fancy or structured about it.  I take out a spiral notebook, put pen to paper, and write down everything that’s on my mind.  And when I say everything, I mean eh-vry-thin-guh.  Texts I have to respond to or send.  Grocery shopping.  Books I want to read.  Appointments I need to make.  Items I signed up to provide for the PTA or my kiddos’ classrooms.  Little things that are weighing on me—sometimes I’ll literally write, “Figure out how to accomplish X.”  I just write and write until I feel still.  What I’m left with is a very relevant to-do list that will guide how I spend my time—and what will go in my time blocks—during the upcoming week.

The key to effective time blocking is being crystal clear on your priorities—your “big rocks,” as the metaphor goes.

Knowing mine, I’m able to quickly go back through the mental-dump list and put an “A” next to the items I must do. “A” tasks, as a prerequisite, must be lead dominoes that, once accomplished, will knock down all the other dominoes in their rows.  I put a “B” next to the items I should do and a “C” next to the items I’d merely like to do.*

From there, the time blocking is simple.  The “A” tasks go onto my calendar first.  Then the “B” where there’s room, and then the “C.”  Do all of the “C” tasks make it on to the calendar every week?  Nope, and I don’t sweat it.  They’ll be there next week.  Bonus?  If I get some margin in my day, I know exactly how to fill it.

Still wondering how you’ll make time to get your squat on and serve your family home-cooked meals?  You may want to seriously consider outsourcing.

Tip # 2:  Only Give Your Best Yes.

In other words, only commit your time if you’ll be making the best use of your gifts.  Sorting through BoxTops?  Not my best yes.  That’s why I said no.  OK, fine, I did what most people do and I didn’t respond. But by (essentially) saying no, I allowed someone else to give her best yes.

Take my neighbor and dear friend, Lara.  She’s a BoxTop-sorting ninja.  She can also throw a party that would rival anything (and I do mean anything) you could ever find on Food Network or HGTV combined, and she can actually enjoy herself as hordes of people traipse through her house, probably spilling wine and definitely dropping crumbs everywhere as they nosh on delicious morsels from the menu she created.

Clearly, she and I have different strengths.  By saying yes to our strengths and no to everything else, we each add value to the world in distinct but necessary ways.  And more importantly, instead of being mediocre at everything and making a merely neutral impact, we are laser-focused on our wheel houses and make very powerful, positive impacts.

I do have one exception to the Best Yes Rule, and it applies when you want to get better at something and make an unknown part of your known.  You mos’ def’ can’t grow inside your comfort zone, and time spent getting uncomfortable to become a better version of yourself is always time well-spent.  Always.

Tip # 3: Don’t React.

This, my friends, is where stuff gets real.  I react way more often than I’d like to admit.  I’ll be sitting in my home office, serenely getting ready to start the tasks I’ve time blocked for that precise moment.  I’m relaxed in the knowledge that I’m powerful, blessed,  anointed, ready to create—squirrel!  Uh oh.  My iPhone just notified me that I have a text.  What do I do now?

In that moment, I can choose to stay in my place of power, not react, and honor my time block.

Or I can allow my iPhone to dictate my next move.  In other words, I can react to the text and respond.  And if I do that, you know what’s going to happen next.  I’m going to get sucked into a vortex of distraction that will likely end with me scrolling through Facebook and wondering how the heck I ended up there.  And worst of all, I’ll have made marginal, if any, progress on the task I promised myself I would tackle in that time!

My rec?  Remember who’s boss.  (Um, that’d be you).  You are the director of your attention.  Step into your power and decide how you spend your day.  Be intentional with the time you’ve guarded on your calendar.  I’m pretty sure you don’t have any calendar entries entitled, “Play on social media” or “Get sucked into mass family texting,” so hold yourself accountable for that time and do what you said you were going to do.

And if you need some assistance, you’re in luck.  There’s this awesome little feature on all phones called “Do Not Disturb” and it is legit.  You can even customize it so that your phone will still ring if one of your “Favorite” contacts is trying to call you.  I have both my kids’ schools saved as Favorites, and I feel secure knowing that if some other kid whacks mine in the head with a Badminton racquet I’ll still find out about it even when I’m in Do Not Disturb mode.

No excuses!  Turn that sucker on, flip your phone face down and create before you consume.

All doable, right?  Give me a shout!  I’d love to hear how these tips work for you.  Email me at nikki@livingthephoenixdiaries.com.

*I can’t take all the credit for this ingenious system.  I learned a lot of how to manage my time from using the Living Well Spending Less Planner.

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Getting Off the Hot Mess Express

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It wasn’t the worst morning I’d ever had trying to get the kids dressed, fed and out the door on time while simultaneously trying to do the same for myself.  But it was one in which I had built in zero margin for error.  And with my husband traveling, such reckless abandon was, in hindsight, unadvisable.

It was all going fairly smoothly until it was time to actually leave.  The minute at which our Honda Odyssey tires must be rolling backwards down our driveway is inflexible; the bus pulls up to the stop to collect all of the neighborhood elementary school kids, including my daughter, at precisely 7:31 am.

Seven twenty-eight a.m. found me frantically pulling a wet-to-dry flat iron through my damp, poufy hair and yelling in the general vicinity of the first floor, “Socks and shoes on!”

“Okay!” My six-year-old daughter called back.  And then shortly thereafter I heard my son.  “I can’t find my shoes!”

Of course.  Right?  You saw that coming.

By now I was bounding down the stairs, simultaneously devising Plan B.  I knew we had a hand-me-down pair of sneakers in our shoe basket by the door and grabbed those, which, you guessed it, he scowled at and firmly announced his disapproval.  It was now 7:30 am and I ordered him tersely into the van. I threw the shoes in the back, figuring we’d just put them on when we arrived at his pre-school.

I got my daughter to the bus stop at the exact moment the bus was pulling up and barely slowed down enough to open the door for her to hop out.  (Side note:  I gotta say, as not cool as I am now that I legit drive a minivan, I totes love the automatic door feature).  And then we were on our way!  On time!  I felt I had avoided a crisis.

Alas, I didn’t get off so easily.

When we arrived at my son’s pre-school I cheerily advised him that it was time to put on his super-cool “other” shoes.  He promptly reminded me, “I don’t like those shoes!” (Just picture furrowed brows and clenched fists and a super adorable pout notwithstanding the brows and the fists).

“Well, we don’t have a choice,” I told him calmly.  “You can’t go barefoot, can you?”  I helped him put on the shoes and felt a familiar wave of guilt rush over me.  They were a tad snug.

“Mom, they don’t fit!”

“Yes, they do,” I insisted, loosening the Velcro.

“I can’t wiggle my toes!” he wailed.

“Well, I can’t either,” I said lamely, glancing down at my four-inch, leopard print pumps.  Totally not the same thing, I know.

The biting truth about this moment in which I found myself shoving my four-year-old’s size 11 foot into size 10 shoes because the sneakers that fit him properly were nowhere to be found when we (read: I, while barking out orders and balancing coffee, water, and protein shake in one arm) were rushing out the door is that it was totally my fault.  It was the culmination of one simple thing: unpreparedness.

Unpreparedness, my friends, is the number one culprit of all so-called “mom fails.”  Think about it.  If you had laid out your outfit the night before, down to the accessories; if you had the coffee ground and waiting to be brewed in the coffee maker the next morning; if you had lunches packed and shoes laid out, wouldn’t you be less likely to experience the one thing the next morning that will inevitably go wrong and lead to at least four other things going wrong in succession?

Oh yeah.  You betcha.

Like King Solomon in the book of Ecclesiastes, I’m here to encourage you to learn from my mistakes without having to make them yourself.  Plus, a day of not berating ourselves for what we coulda, woulda, shoulda sounds peachy, yes?

It’s so simple, really.  If the bane of our existence as mothers is unpreparedness, then the solution, of course, is to be prepared.  

I promise you this isn’t rocket science (which, candidly, I know nothing about but it seems really, really complicated).  Getting off the Hot Mess Express and getting on the road to designing a life you love can begin with an act as simple as choosing your outfit the night before.  Being prepared is so simple when we choose it. We just have to be on purpose about it.

Plus, you already took the first step when you started taking back your time. Compound that by choosing preparedness, girlfriend.

Next stop: taming the morning whirlwind!

Are you on this bandwagon yet? Get on it, girl!

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Living The Phoenix Diaries

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I realized recently that I love people.  I especially love my fellow mom.  You’ve seen her.  She’s beautifully messy and has a giant inside of her that she doesn’t know how to unleash.  She has gifts but hasn’t figured out how to harness them.  She’s powerful but not empowered.  And she’s got serious heart.  A girl boss in the making.  These women are dear to me because I consider myself to be one, if only just a few life, mindset and self-discovery experiences further along on the path.  I know what it’s like to fall on your face and start over, and what it’s like to succeed and then reinvent yourself anyway.  I like to think of myself as a phoenix.  I rise up.

I’m not one who stays inside her comfort zone, and I’ll be unapologetic about encouraging you to step outside of yours.  True statement:  growth and comfort are mutually exclusive.  That’s why, despite having literally no idea what I’m doing, I started this blog. I wanted to create a place dedicated to grit, determination and resilience.  So I did, and Living the Phoenix Diaries was born.  Through this blog, I loudly celebrate unwavering faith.  I put attention on the absolute truth that we can create what we want to experience in life, love and work.

I’ve never been a blogger before.  But I guess I wasn’t a lawyer until I was, and I wasn’t a mom until I was.  No one is anything until they are, right?  So, here I am:  declaring myself a blogger extraordinaire.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’m no technological expert.  I didn’t even know what a plug-in was until a few weeks ago (but I was unabashed about finding out from some younger, techier folk)!  But I do know a lot about living intentionally and that, no matter where you are today, you can design a life you absolutely love.  And you know what?  It’s not all that complicated.  Living your dream life can begin with an act as simple as planning tomorrow’s outfit the night before.

Life is beautiful and fleeting and I don’t want to waste any of it playing small.  I won’t lie—as I was deciding to launch this thing there was a voice in my head whispering, “Why would anyone want to read what you have to write?” Terrified on some level that the voice could be right, I thought, Maybe they won’t.  And then, remembering that I’m a phoenix, I smiled, squared my shoulders and thought, But maybe they will.  Maybe the dozens of real lives I’ve already helped change through my light, my leadership and my love give me some street cred.

One thing’s for sure.  I am fierce, passionate and powerful beyond measure.  And I am obsessed with helping others believe the same about themselves.  (OK, maybe that was like, four things).

Welcome to Living the Phoenix Diaries.  I invite you to rise up.

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