What You and I Have in Common with a Real-Life Princess: My Takeaway from Meghan Markle’s Interview

Posted on March 9, 2021 by Nikki Oden

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No family is perfect. I think we all know this, inherently, but was I the only mom in America who was kind of relieved to get certain confirmation that even the Royal Family has issues? (By the way, if you have no idea what I’m talking about, you must check out Meghan Markle and Prince Harry’s incredibly raw interview with Oprah. Make some popcorn beforehand. You’ll thank me later).

For an hour and a half, I watched on the edge of my seat as the Duchess of Sussex poured her heart out to Oprah about the pain, isolation and cruelty she endured at the hands of the British media during her tenure as a senior working member of the Royal Family. I was fascinated by her honesty and bravery. Riveted, I found myself nodding in agreement and commenting out loud despite being alone in my home office. “Yes,” I said, more than once. “I totally agree.”

I’m not a world-famous princess, I get that. And no, the British media (or, um, any media for that matter) isn’t watching my every move and plotting how they can assassinate my character before the nation while my majestic in-laws look on, smiling.

But I think we can all relate to bits of what Meghan shared, don’t you? I mean, hasn’t anyone ever treated you unfairly or said things about you that were completely false?

When my husband and I first started dating, he was navigating this weird, financial dynamic with his family. As the first to graduate from high school, then college, and then graduate school, he was expected by his parents and siblings alike to pay for them when they got together for family events—even if the event was his own birthday. If one of them fell behind on a bill, his phone would ring.

They weren’t even grateful. They expected it.

It was clear to me as an outsider that his family didn’t want to acknowledge the truth, which was that he had built himself up from scratch. He had busted his ass to pay his tuition and pass his exams, and even as a full-blown professional he never stopped hustling. With that truth came a hard pill to swallow: they could do it too, if they worked hard enough. It was much easier for them to believe that he was simply “lucky,” and that he suddenly “got rich.”

So they held their hands out instead. And my husband, for his part, forked it over.

By the time I came into the picture, he was sick and tired of that dance. Realizing that he had been complicit by stepping in tune to the music for so long, he slowly, deliberately changed the moves. He started to push back. He asked his family to pay their portions of the bill at restaurants. He refused to give them money willy nilly.

And let me tell you: they did not like it.

Unfortunately for me, my husband had changed his tune right around the inception of our relationship. And his family, not believing for one second that he could have grown so defiant on his own, chose to blame me.

So yeah, that was a fun way to start things off.

For months, they whispered behind my back about how I wouldn’t “let” my then-boyfriend give them money (false) because I had gotten him his “cushy” job working for a global conglomerate financial institution through my law firm (false) and felt entitled to tell him how to spend his paycheck. False, false, false. Mind you, however, no one had the guts to say any of that nonsense to my face, or to his.

And then he asked me to marry him.

It wasn’t until my bridal shower, when none of the women of his family bothered to show up, that I became crushingly aware they harbored such ill feelings toward me. I was devastated.

That’s when it all came out—everything they had been saying and had believed about me that wasn’t true. And I’m not gonna lie. I didn’t take it well. I felt victimized and betrayed. I was angry at the unfairness of it all. And although my husband was fuming at his family and very squarely in my corner, I felt alone.

What I eventually learned from that experience, and what Meghan reminded me as she spoke so candidly to Oprah, is that it is vital in those moments to know who you are. But like, really know it, deep in your core.

You’re kind. You’re smart. You’re important. You can do hard things. You don’t give up easily.

When you know those things about yourself, no one can take them away from you. When you truly know who you are, you can center yourself in that certainty to draw strength. No matter what anyone else says about you.

Listen, girlfriend, people are probably gonna hate on you at some point in your life. Maybe they’ll be strangers who envy that you’re putting yourself out there and wanna put you down to feel better about themselves. Maybe they’ll be your own family. Being certain about who you are doesn’t necessarily make it hurt less. As Meghan showed us, it’s ok to feel the hurt. Even royals cry. But it does make it easier to see your choices.

We get to decide what we do with those experiences. We get to choose if we’re going to find the lesson and allow it to make us stronger. How we show up for ourselves is completely up to us.

A decade and two kids later, my in-laws and I get along better than I had thought possible. My husband released the elephant from the room, set them straight, and we haven’t looked back since.

OK, fine.

Every once in a blue moon, I look back. But I’m clear now on why I created that experience and what I took from it. I’m grateful for it, because it revealed a blind spot and gave me an opportunity to grow immensely.

And as Meghan so beautifully reminded the world, we all get those opportunities.

The next time you get one, my encouragement to you is to remember who you are. Choose to find the lesson in the hurt and to absorb the strength that comes with experiencing it.

Show up like a real-life princess. As it turns out, we’re not so different after all.

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How to Make Yourself a Priority (Without the Mom Guilt)

Posted on December 31, 2020 by Nikki Oden

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I used to feel like I was full of crap.

Outwardly, it seemed like I had a really successful home-based business, that I was spending tons of quality time with my kids and that I was giving my marriage the attention it deserved.

Truth?

I was working like a dog. If you want to think of work and life as two ends of a seesaw, my tush was firmly planted on the ground on the “work” side. There were a whole lot of trips to the park and museum I missed, lots of eating in the car, piles of laundry that didn’t get done, and more “mom fails” than I’d care to admit even to myself.

I hit rock bottom with my mom life when my kids were 6 and 4 (they’re 8 and 6 now). It was one of those mornings where everything that could go wrong did. By 7:15 am, I was ready to pull my hair out.

My son absolutely would not listen to me, which meant we were going to be late getting out the door. I knew that would snowball into being late getting my daughter to school, which would in turn delay me getting my son to daycare, and then I would be late getting myself to my part-time lawyer job. With each pout, foot stomp and furrow of the brows, I grew more and more impatient with my son, until finally, I lost my temper and yelled at him like a maniac. (And then, of course, I felt like a complete monster).

Whimpering, he got dressed and we got in the car, but we didn’t get to my daughter’s elementary school until the late bell was ringing. She was more anxious than any kindergartener should ever be as we pulled up to the front of the school, where they were about to close and lock the front door. Watching my sweet little girl trying to run to the door under the weight of her huge backpack—the very last student still outside the building—crushed me in a way I can’t explain. I felt like I had totally let her down.

That’s when I lost it. I broke down into hysterical tears in my car, in front of my son, who kept murmuring from his car seat, “It’s ok, Mommy. It’s ok. Don’t cry.”

It was in that moment I accepted the truth that God was waving in my face. Something had to change with the way I was managing everything on my plate.

I constantly felt spread thin. I felt like I wasn’t taking care of myself. And I felt like I was always letting someone down—on both sides of the seesaw.

And don’t even get me started on the mom guilt.

Do you ever feel that way, too?

I promise you, there is another way.

After that day, I started making some changes. Slowly, in bite-sized chunks, after a lot of trial and improvement, I figured out how to focus on what matters most in life, love, business and motherhood. I got a grip on my time. I discovered how to be more of what I want to be and do more of what I want to do.

And I want that for you.

Keep reading for the deets on what I’ve learned (and continue to study every single day). But first, a quick word on why this is important.

Why This Matters

Because you matter. You are the center of your household. And when you experience more presence, patience, and joy, that’s going to spill into everything you do.

Do you think your relationship with your kids would be better if you had more patience? Do you think your marriage would be even more solid if you felt good about yourself? One hundred per cent.

And don’t you want that? (Duh, of course you do). So with that as our backdrop, let’s get this party started.

1) Stop Lying to Yourself.

Can we moms all band together and just get over the guilt thing? For reals. Mom guilt is a lie we have been telling ourselves for so long that we actually believe it. But does mom guilt make us better moms? Nope.

Do you know what does? Taking care of yourself.

You have to make yourself a priority. Remember that safety training all airlines make you watch when you’re about to take off—the one about “the unlikely event” that the cabin loses pressure? What do they always tell you? Put your mask on first, then help others. Why?

If you aren’t functioning at your highest and best, you can’t show up for anyone else.

Refusing to make time for self-care because you’ve guilted yourself into believing that every waking moment of your life should be spent on everyone else first—your boss, your kids, your husband, your dog—is not serving you. You will eventually burn out, and you’ll probably build up a whole bunch of resentment too. (In the airplane example, you might even faint). And then what good are you to anyone, especially your kids?

Remember, the only way to show up as the best version of you—whether that’s with respect to parenting or nurturing your marriage or kicking ass at work—is to take care of yourself. Put yourself at the top of the list. Set aside time to mediate, to exercise, to read, journal or pray.

Put your mask on first.

2) Set Boundaries.

Let’s get something straight right now. Not everything matters equally. We’ve got to stop acting like it does. Deal?

Seriously, friend, this piece of the puzzle is absolutely essential. If you find that you’re always saying yes to everything, even when you don’t want to, start setting some boundaries right away. (No wonder you feel overwhelmed and spread thin!)

Look, I get it. In many ways, motherhood is an act of juggling–juggling the time you spend on your work or business with the time you want to spend on yourself and the time you want to spend with your kiddos and keeping your house clean, your family (happily) fed and your laundry done, just to name a few. It can feel as if you’re throwing one ball high into the air just to give yourself enough time to catch another ball as it’s plummeting to the ground. This is where boundaries come in.

To set proper boundaries, you need to get crystal clear on your priorities. (Side note: The best place I’ve seen this concept explained is in the book, The One Thing by Gary Keller and Jay Papasan. A must read!). To do that, start by imagining that each main area of your life is a “ball.” Let’s say your job is one ball; your business (if you have a side hustle or own your own business) is another ball; your family is another; your friends and important relationships are another; your health is another; and your spirituality is another. Maybe if you have a hobby or a passion, that would be another ball.

The key to setting boundaries is understanding which balls are made of rubber and which are made of glass.

Family, important relationships, health and spirituality are glass balls. And when you drop a glass ball, it will shatter. Sure, you can try to put it back together again, but it will never be the same. That’s why you must set boundaries that protect your glass balls.

A rubber ball, on the other hand, will always bounce back up when you drop it. Work and business are rubber balls. Yes, work is important because it allows us to feed and clothe our families, keep a roof over our heads, and enjoy certain luxuries. Your work may even be a huge passion of yours.

But is there only one way to make a living? Is there only one way to produce income? Nope. That’s what makes work a rubber ball. While there are any number of jobs you might have in your lifetime, you only have one body and one soul. And your kids? Well . . . I don’t need to tell you twice that there is absolutely no replacing them.

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Within each “major” glass ball and rubber ball are smaller glass and rubber balls. For example, at work, there may be items you need to treat as glass balls if you don’t want to get fired. On the flip side, with your family, there are plenty of items you can treat as rubber balls, like cooking every night or volunteering for the PTA bake sale. You get the idea. It all boils down to remembering that not everything matters equally, and when push comes to shove, remembering what matters most.

Once you are crystal clear on your priorities, setting boundaries that protect those glass balls becomes much easier. It also becomes a lot easier to see where we’re lying to ourselves or selling ourselves short. Because the truth, my friend, is when we say, “I don’t have time for that,” what we’re really saying is, “I choose not to make that a priority.” Remember that next time you’re tempted to brush off self-care or something for you because you “don’t have time” for it, and ask yourself if if you’re walking in alignment with your glass balls.

Now, if any of this boundary stuff sounds scary or overwhelming, don’t forget that it’s ok to start small. You can start with something as simple as setting a boundary around when you respond to texts, emails and phone calls that will ensure you’re always present with your family at meal time.

3) Speak to Yourself the Way You’d Speak to Someone You Love.

Yeah, I know. It’s easy to say you’re going to make yourself a priority and it’s easy to say you’re going to set boundaries. And maybe you’ve even gone the extra step of putting those promises in your calendar or setting alarms on your phone.

But when life happens and you wake up late or get slammed at work, aren’t the promises you made to yourself the first things you choose to ignore?

Yep. We’ve all been there.

So how do you actually keep those promises you make to yourself?

Well, you start by reminding yourself why all of this matters. Don’t forget why it’s important for you to make yourself a priority, and why you need to protect your glass balls.

Then, as with any goal, you’ve gotta start small. My recommendation? Start by making those calendar entries and alarms hard to ignore by changing the language you use for them. What I mean by that is instead of simply setting a reminder to “breathe” or “workout,” use words that will be powerful for you. Speak to yourself the way you would speak to someone you love. My favorite phrase is, “Choose yourself right now and [fill in the blank with what I promised myself I’d do].” Another effective one is, “Hi beautiful! Take some time right now to [fill in the blank with the promise you made to yourself].”

It sounds so simple (and it is!), but I promise you, it works. Try it. And the next time that alarm on your phone goes off, honor it. Keep the promises you make to yourself. Remember why this matters.

These three things will take you from feeling overwhelmed to rocking it in no time. Just stick with it. You’ve totally got this.

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What To Do When the Mean Girls Attack

Posted on November 20, 2020 by Nikki Oden

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When I became a legit adult—complete with my own home, car, checking account and fancy career—I thought all of that petty stuff I experienced as a teenage girl was behind me. You know what I mean. The cliques and the drama and the cat-fighting that are often the hallmarks of a woman’s adolescence.

And then . . . I became a mom.

Yeah, in theory we’re all adults, but sometimes in real life it can feel like we’re still in high school.

Very recently, a fellow “grown-up” was mean to me. On purpose. Hiding behind the anonymity the internet provides, she harshly criticized something I had created without providing any real feedback or basis for her opinion. She just wanted to hate on me, I guess. And it reminded me that those mean girls from high school are still around, and they’re still, well . . . mean.

You know what I’m talking about, right? Mean girl attacks happen all the time when you really think about it. Nasty reviews, rude comments on Facebook or Instagram and mom-shaming are all modern-day ways the mean girls attack. In my neck of the woods, two moms are even going at it with each other in federal court—over a dispute that started on the tennis court. (I can’t make this stuff up).

So what do you do when it happens to you? Well, I’m glad you asked. Here’s what my mean-girl slashings have taught me:

1. Experience Your Feelings.

Let’s be real. It sucks when someone is mean to you. It just plain doesn’t feel good. But as much as we’d all like to feel sunshine and butterfly kisses every day, the reality is that experiencing our lows is just as important as experiencing our highs. Truly, we couldn’t appreciate the good if we never experienced anything bad. So when someone is mean to you, be honest with yourself about how it feels. It’s ok to feel crappy about it. Don’t try to stuff it, resist it or push it aside. And definitely don’t distract yourself from feeling it. (Lying to yourself is never a good thing). Plus, as a friend and mentor once told me, pretending to be happy when you’re not is like painting over rust. The rust is still there, my friend.

Try a healthier (and more productive) approach: allow yourself to fully feel. Feel the anger, disappointment or hurt. Cry it out if you need to. Just remember that you get to decide how long you stay in that space. My advice? Fully experience it and then let it go.

I’m not gonna lie. After my recent brush with the anonymous mean girl, I definitely felt like someone had slapped me. I wallowed for a few hours in “I’m not good enough,” and “No one likes me,” and “Why am I even trying?”

And then . . . I let it go. I chose to remember the absolute truth that how someone on the internet rates me doesn’t change who I am. It definitely doesn’t dictate my future. I’ve got a lot to offer this world, and mark my words: I’m gonna.

And you know what, girlfriend? So are you.

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2. Find the Lesson.

Listen, as cliche as it sounds, there’s a lesson in every experience. It’s our job to find it. And not only for our own sakes, but also so we can guide our kids when this stuff happens to them. Because you know it will.

In my case, I learned a lot from my reaction. I realized just how important it is for me to be good at what I do—and to get validation from others that I’m good at what I do. I was desperate to know why the mean girl rated my work so poorly so I could rationalize it or defend myself in my own mind. The fact that she didn’t give me the satisfaction was bitterly disappointing.

But it also helped me to remember that not all criticism is created equal. Sometimes people criticize you because they’re truly trying to help you improve, or at the very least, want you to do better. Other times, they just wanna give you the finger.

My run-in with the mean girl was a great reminder that I can’t please everyone. Not everything I do or say is going to resonate and that’s ok. (No, really, it is ok). Let’s not ignore the majority of people who love and value you in favor of giving power and attention to the one who doesn’t.

I also learned not to make up stories in my head about why other people do the things they do. Seriously! When people don’t respond to your text messages or call you back; when they ignore your emails; when they give you bad ratings online, unfriend or unfollow you, don’t think for one second that you actually know why. In most cases, it ain’t got nothin’ to do with you. And let’s not forget. Some girls are just crabs in a bucket. They want to pull you down and keep you from rising up because they can’t stand the thought of someone else doing well. They just don’t believe they can shine if you do too.

Another thing I learned is that if I’m gonna stick it out as a content creator in this online world (and I fully intend to), I have to get used to people having opinions about what I create, and that those opinions won’t always be complimentary. Most of the time, their opinions won’t even give me much to go on. I have to draw on my own strength and self-worth to keep going. As one of my best friends said to me after the fact, weapons cannot be strong unless they move through intense heat and pressure. These bumps in my journey are applying heat and pressure to make me stronger.

Same goes for you, my friend. Unpleasant experiences are opportunities to grow. Plain and simple.

Finally, this whole thing taught me that I’ve probably been the mean girl to someone else. And chances are, so have you. Remember how it feels to be on the receiving end next time you’re tempted to dish it out. I know I will.

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3. Give Yourself the Win.

Just like there’s a lesson in every experience, there’s also (almost always) something good you can create from it too. Why not divert your energy and propel yourself into action? In my case, the mean-girl experience resulted in this post!

Next time you endeavor to be open and honest about who you are and what you have to offer, ask yourself, how can I create something worth criticizing? For real. Give yourself the win. Honestly, if you’re doing something that other people are bothering to criticize, you’re doing something right.

If you’re putting yourself out there, whether you’re starting your own business, crushing it as a direct seller, creating content or serving others in any way, you know it’s hard. It is not easy to wear your heart on your sleeve and literally bear your soul to the public at the risk of them trampling all over it.

But keep doing it.

Keep showing up. Keep giving it your all. Keep believing that you can do anything. Because you know what? You can.

Anyone can do anything, my friend. Why not you?

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How to Tame the Morning Whirlwind

Posted on August 16, 2020 by Nikki Oden

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Note: this post contains affiliate links. If you click on a link and make a purchase, I may earn a commission, at absolutely no additional cost to you. Win-win!

Well. It’s that time of year again. We are heading back to school. In these unprecedented times, that means different things for all of us. Where I live (in Palm Beach County, Florida), “back to school” means mandatory distance learning from computers at home. In other areas, like where my friends live in Wisconsin and Montana, “back to school” means literally going back into the school building. Either way, it all has one universal meaning . . . the return of the weekday morning rush.

Seriously, what is it about weekday mornings that turns the best of us into total stressballs? On any given Saturday, the sun shines gloriously through kitchen windows everywhere as birds chirp happily and parents and kids alike are properly stuffed with pancakes. But on a Tuesday? Shoes mysteriously cannot be found, homework folders go missing and snacks of all kinds forget to make their way into backpacks. (Please tell me this stuff doesn’t only happen in my house). Compound all of those happenings with a kiddo who woke up with an attitude, and even the most diligent time-blocking ninja will find herself begging for mercy.

This irksome phenomenon is one of the sneakiest time-suckers known to mom-kind, and I have a name for it . . .

The Morning Whirlwind.

The thing that makes the morning whirlwind so beastly is that it happens, well, in the morning, which means one nasty spin through it can set the tone for your entire day. For me, a rough morning often translates to feeling less powerful, which means that honoring my well-intentioned time blocks takes serious motivation.

The good news is that the opposite is true—meaning that once you tame the morning whirlwind you can take back your day and your power. Double whammy! And the best news? It’s honestly not all that hard. (If I can do it—trust me, girlfriend—you can too). With a few simple tweaks, you can turn that whirlwind into a breeze.

Here’s how I play it:

Tip #1: Plan tomorrow’s outfit the night before.

If you’re going to be heading back out the door this fall, getting dressed is something you’re going to have to start thinking about again. And nothing robs you of your power faster than not knowing what to wear and wasting precious minutes trying on outfit after outfit when you could be doing something more productive, like, I don’t know, eating breakfast? That kind of furious outfit changing also often leads to a downward spiral into the land of “I have nothing to wear,” which is one stop before “Nothing looks good on me.” Both places are to be avoided! So when I say plan your outfit, I mean plan it to the last detail, including your accessories.

If you have a particularly hectic work week, consider planning your entire week’s outfits on Sunday night, before the mayhem of the week begins. This strategy is particularly effective when you first create a rotating uniform of sorts. The “uniform” should be comprised of several pieces that you know look great on you. Old faithfuls, I call them. I totally relied on my weekly uniform when I was going into the office where I lawyer twice a week. My “uniform” consisted of four dresses I feel great in. If I wanted to get creative and wear something off-uniform I certainly would. But if I had no idea what to wear, I fell back on the uniform. See how simple?

Planning what to wear the night before is also really effective for your kiddos. In my house, although we will not be heading out the door each morning this fall, my children are, by command of the principal, expected to be properly dressed in compliance with the school’s dress code. That means solid colored polo shirts and navy, black or khaki bottoms. To avoid any time-consuming, ear-splitting meltdowns, we mos’ def’ will be deciding on outfits the night before. Easy. Also, not time sucking. Score!

Tip # 2: Get a Leg Up on Breakfast Before You Go to Bed.

Even though this fall I get a reprieve from the added pressure of making sure my kids are at the bus stop by 7:31 am each morning, we are still expected to be ready for school on time. For us, distance learning will be conducted live via Zoom, which means my children are expected to be logged on and in front of their computers (yes, in dress code) by 8:00 am sharp. That also means they need to be fed before all of that happens. And since I’ll be awake with them, I might as well eat too.

I don’t know about you, but for me, scrambling in the kitchen trying to find blender parts or a clean bowl in an effort to serve breakfast whilst ensuring that the small humans in my house are brushing their teeth, getting dressed and heading downstairs on time for said meal is like, a major drag. If I haven’t figured out the breakfast puzzle ahead of time, more often than not, that story ends with hasty, open-mouthed scarfing of an unsatisfyingly small granola bar and a whole lot of grumbling (mostly from me).

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Why not instead plan breakfast time the way you would plan anything else? The night before, wash the dishes you know you’re going to need in the morning (which for me, always includes a Nutri-Ninja cup and blade) so they’re ready to go and easy to find. Fill the coffeemaker with water and make sure the filter is clean. Get the coffee beans in the grinder (or measure out the grounds and get them in the filter). I’m a protein shake kind of gal, so I’ll measure out the ingredients the night before, stick them inside the blending cup and pop the whole thing in the fridge with a lid. If your kids are old enough to help themselves, put bowls and spoons out on the counter and ensure that the milk and cereal are within reach in the fridge and pantry.

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Whatever you decide on, just know that the few minutes it takes before bed to get this stuff in order will be well worth it in the morning. Your mornings will be, if I may be so bold, easy. And don’t you love easy?

Tip # 3: Slay the Hair and Makeup Beast.

If you are going to be seen by your co-workers, this is where the rubber meets the road. Unless you’re bald and allowed to wear ginormous sunglasses to work, the hair and makeup beast is no joke. Even if you’re only attending meetings virtually via video chat, you know as a woman that you have to put forth some effort in the looks department, lest people think you’re ill or exhausted—or, ouch!—unprofessional.

In my opinion, there is no greater time sucker in the morning than the hours painstakingly spent on hair and makeup by womankind every day. I’ve tested a few tricks on myself over the years and have learned how to get ready in half the time it used to take me, and mind you, I have wavy hair that must either be deliberately curled or straightened but cannot be left to its own devices.

Number one on my best friend list: this wet-to-straight flat iron. It will literally take your hair from wet to dry and straight in one step. I find that it works best if your hair has been air drying for about 15 to 20 minutes which, of course, is the perfect time to be putting on that outfit that you already picked out and doing your makeup.

Now. A word on makeup. As a former sales director one of the largest skincare and cosmetics companies in the world, I know a thing or two about the stuff. And by that, I mean I know the absolute minimum amount of products and time you need to look like you made an effort. All it takes is an eyebrow pen (or brow-colored eye shadow and an angled brush), mascara and a tinted lip balm. For my money, I love Sugar Rose. It’s buttery smooth, super hydrating, and adds just enough color to make you look energized. Plus a mirror isn’t needed to apply it, which means you can slather it on quickly, even as you’re walking into your destination.

Eyebrows matter the most! If you have time for nothing else, fill in your eyebrows. Extra points if you can slap on some mascara. At the very least, you’ll look like you tried. You’ll also look awake, which is generally a good thing.

If I’m Not Going Anywhere, Does Any of This Stuff Really Matter?

Oh yes, my friend. How you do one thing is how you do everything, and when it comes to having an awesome day, what you create each morning is vital.

Don’t forget. Your kiddos are watching everything you do. Show them that the greatest thing they can ever do is love themselves by demonstrating that you love yourself. That means choosing to start each day feeling powerful and proud of who you are. Living as your highest and best self means not trading away your beauty and strength, even if you are stuck at home for the time being.

And bonus! It doesn’t have to take forever or be such a frenzied mess. Go on and tame that morning whirlwind, girlfriend! You got this.

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Raising Brave Kids

Posted on May 26, 2020 by Nikki Oden

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This is a review of an amazing children’s book my friend wrote. But before I get to that, I need to give you some back story.

I do affirmations with my kids. It dawned on me one day when they were really little that some day, in the distant future, mean kids might tell my adorable, sweet, innocent little babies that they’re dumb. Or weird. Or bad at sports. You know—the stuff You-Can’t Monsters are made of. And in that moment of realization, I actually felt offended and mad. I was all, “Aw, heck no!” (Please tell me I’m not the only woman who goes mama bear over situations that haven’t actually happened yet).

Anyhoo, the whole experience got me thinking . . . how can I prepare them for the inevitable trials of youth and adolescence—for the mean girls and the merciless boy hazing? How do I prepare them for the stuff beyond all that, like the scariness of choices and trying something new and putting yourself out there?

I’m not sure any mom can fully prepare her kids for rejection and failure and, you know . . . high school. But a girl can try.

I settled on affirmations.

And so, since they were little I have told them every day,“You are smart, kind, important. You can do hard things. You don’t give up easily.” As they got bigger we added a few to the list, like “I try new things” (that one was very useful for when we were introducing new foods), but no matter what, we always end with, “You’re brave. You’re powerful.”

Now that my kids are old enough to have real conversations and real opinions, I don’t have to say the affirmations to them anymore. Instead I say, “Tell me who you are.” And they say the affirmations to me. Sometimes they say them begrudgingly, with a little eye roll, but by the time they get to the end of the list, I always get a robust and authentic, “I’m POWERFUL!”

It’s like, totally adorable. And tear-jerking. And it makes my heart burst with pride.

That’s why I love it when I meet like-minded moms who are creating stuff to build kids up from a young age. One such mom is Ruth Soukup, New York Times bestselling author, seven-figure blogger and creator of Living Well Spending Less, The Elite Blog Academy and Do It Scared. She sounds fancy, right? Well, she is! And I’ve been blessed to work with her personally and get to know her better.

Ruth has a fierce passion for helping people break out of their comfort zones so that they can be and do everything they were created for and live out their God-given potential. At her core, she’s a mama, just like me and you, and she’s recently taken what she knows about fear and goal crushing and made it consumable for kiddos in her book, How Big Is Your Brave?

The story follows a young bunny named Zippy, whose dream in life is to become an astronaut and travel to outer space. When she learns about a local space camp, however, she is overcome by fear, and hesitates to sign up because she’s afraid she won’t be good enough. But with some encouragement from her brother, she does sign up, even though she’s terrified that space camp will be difficult. (This is the part when I look at my kids and remind them, “But we can do hard things, right?” To which they nod and reply, “Yep.”)

Zippy quickly starts to relax and excel in space camp, and the day before it’s over she’s proud to show her brother the amazing rocket ship she’s been working on, which she’s going to present to the rest of her class the following day. But an unfortunate series of accidents leads to her ship being almost completely destroyed, and Zippy is heavily discouraged and ready to quit. Her dad reminds her that how she responds to adversity is a choice (I always pause here to remind my own kids that everything in life, especially how we react, is a choice), and Zippy decides to start over and work on fixing her rocket ship so it’s ready for the next day’s presentation. (This is the part when I say to my kids, “We don’t give up easily, do we?” And they say, “Nope!”)

The next day, Zippy presents her rocket ship and earns herself a blue ribbon for creativity and second place overall. She learns that courage means taking action even when you’re scared, and that most of the time, success lies on the other side of fear.

Y’all, I love this book. I love that my kids love it and that they ask my husband and I to read it to them. Most of all, I love that it affirms for them everything I’ve been telling them for years. And yeah, I’ll admit it: it’s a great reminder for me in my own life, too.

From one mom to another, I highly recommend that you check it out! Read it with your kids. Heck, read it for yourself. No doubt, we could all use a little encouragement right now, and this story is a lovely dose.

And while you’re at it, think about where fear is keeping you from stepping into your own greatness. Raising brave kids starts with being brave yourself, right? Well, if you’re being totally honest, what’s your “space camp?” Is it starting a new business? Writing a book? Losing 25 pounds? Whatever it is, trust yourself. Channel your inner Zippy. Just take one step, and the next step will reveal itself.

Truly, girlfriend, that dream wouldn’t be on your heart if you didn’t have what it takes to achieve it. Anyone can do anything.

Why not you?

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Feel Like Crying? Me Too.

Posted on April 20, 2020 by Nikki Oden

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When people ask me how I’m doing in quarantine, I tell them I can’t complain. And that’s the absolute truth. From the South Florida sun to food in my fridge to my healthy hubby and kids, I have so very much to be grateful for. I’d venture to say you do, too.

But that doesn’t mean every day is peachy. Heck no. Personally, I find that the weekdays are the worst. Each weekday morning, I summon every ounce of willpower I have from every part of my body and use it to make distance learning fun and interesting for my 6-year-old, who is, at any given moment, throwing himself on the floor and whining about how boring I am. Meanwhile, I’m also fielding periodic interruptions from my seven-year-old, who insists that her math assignment “doesn’t make any sense” (it always does make sense, by the way, and that’s coming from a math-illiterate lawyer), or to announce to her brother and I that she’s not going to distract him from his school work . . . thereby distracting him from his schoolwork with that very announcement.

Once the titillatingly fun part of the day is over and “school” is dismissed, I climb onto my creaky desk stool to log on to my laptop and do some lawyering. Then at 5:30 PM, I stuff my face with cheese, crackers and Chardonnay in between chopping and sautéing dinner or, if it’s my husband’s turn to cook, I do the cheese-cracker-Chardonnay stuffing in front of an HGTV “Love It or List It” marathon. Sometimes I fold laundry in the quiet sanctuary of my bedroom as a treat to myself.

I mean, couldn’t you just swoon?

So yeah, when people ask me how I’m doing in quarantine, you know what else I tell them? I cry a little every day. Every. Single. Day. And you know what else? I’m not ashamed of it.

I cry when my kids don’t listen to me. I cry when I cook something delicious and those little buggers tell me it’s gross. I cry because I have writer’s block and have lost the book-writing momentum I had before this quarantine started. I cry because my business isn’t taking off as quickly as I would like it to. I cry because people keep dying. I cry because I’m touched by people who are beautiful and generous and are doing everything they can to make the world keep turning. I cry because, in general, I feel like I’m failing at everything.

Anyone else feel me?

As moms, we tend to put such intense pressure on ourselves to always keep it “together.” But listen, girlfriend, it’s absolutely ok to cry. Being upset with yourself for crying is kind of like berating yourself for having to pee. And yes, I agree that there’s a time and a place for everything. I don’t walk around blubbering all day and night without regard for my surroundings. I don’t fall to pieces in front of my kids at every turn.

But I don’t hold it in, either. When I need to release the tears, I give myself that release. I vent freely to my best friends and my husband. I don’t care what I sound like or how totally not “together” I seem. I need to get it out.

And so do you.

You must get out your frustration, disappointment and anger. Maybe you do that by giving yourself a good cry in the bathroom. Maybe you scream into your pillow or your husband’s chest. Whatever you do, get it out. If you don’t, you’re only prolonging the inevitable. That emotion will find a way out. Trust me. And by then, it will have festered into a nasty, pus-filled abscess. Do yourself a solid and embrace the cry. It might look ugly for a hot minute but you’ll feel so much better after.

Take the Mom Life Challenge and love your mom life again!

Remember that you are doing your very best. (Of course you are! You didn’t wake up today plotting all the ways you could be mediocre! Come on). You’re in completely uncharted territory. For the first time, all at the same time, you are a mom, wife, teacher, cook, cleaning lady and general fixer-of-all-situations—and probably also an employee or business owner. You don’t have to be perfect.

So the next time you leave breakfast cooking on the stove and then forget about it until it’s smoking, and run into the kitchen screaming obscenities only to realize your kid is on a Google Meet video conference at the kitchen table with her entire class, give yourself some grace if you burst into tears afterward. You’ll be stronger for it when this is all over.

We’re gonna be ok, girlfriend.

Posted on The Mops Blog: https://blog.mops.org/feel-like-crying?-me-too/

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Creating a Sense of Normalcy When Everything Feels Bonkers

Posted on March 29, 2020 by Nikki Oden

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Is it just me, or does it feel like the world as we know it changes every single day because of this COVID-19 chaos? Within the span of 24 hours, activities that just yesterday had been deemed ok might be banned, or businesses that were allowed to remain open may be forced to close. And while I totally get the precautions, it sort of feels like there’s some all-powerful lifeguard with a big hat and zinc-covered nose who keeps wading into the ocean where the rest of us are trying to enjoy a little sun on our floaties to blow his whistle and scream on the bullhorn, “Nope! No, that’s too far! Bring it back to shore!”

In the meantime, moms everywhere are trying to figure out how to harmonize working from makeshift desks on kitchen or dining room tables with educating their kids, feeding their families creative renditions of tuna fish and keeping their houses from turning into total pigsties. And we’re all doing a lot more dishes and laundry than anyone has ever wanted to do in the history of the world, ever.

(It’s not just me, right? Right?)

As a wife, a mom of two kiddos who are 17 months apart and will just as easily hug and snuggle together as they will plot ways to kill each other, the owner of an online media company and a part-time lawyer, I am in desperate need for some normalcy. In the midst of all this craziness, it’s very tempting to give up. I mean, really, would it be so bad to walk around the house all day in jammies with a perpetually full glass of Chardonnay and just tell everyone else to “figure it out?” (OK, fine. Yes. It probably would be bad).

Believe me, girlfriend, I have had to dig in to find a way to keep my world on its axis, but I’d venture to say that what’s working for me will work for you, too.

Here are five tried and true tips for creating a sense of normalcy in a world of chaos:

1) Make your bed. I know you’re not even leaving the house and you’re just going to get right back into it in a few hours, but there is brain science that connects making your bed to having a great day. (Don’t ask me for supporting sources! Just believe it!) And it literally takes 45 seconds. Even if it’s not something you would “normally” do, try it! If nothing else, seeing your pillows and blankets all perfectly coiffed will put a smile on your face.

2) Create a routine. Humans crave routines. Knowing what to expect creates a sense of order and purpose, even when it feels like the rest of the world has lost their sh*t. To be productive and effective, you cannot be in weekend mode every single day. Set an alarm. Go to bed on time. Eat proper meals. Keep using your Weekly Designer (or whatever planner you’ve been using) and plan out your week. Even if you don’t have all that much to do, plan for and calendar all those things you always said you would do “when” you have time. Surely there’s a junk drawer or linen closet that could use your attention? You might (read: definitely will) have to get creative and give yourself a ton of grace, but I promise you, having a routine will keep you sane.

3) Practice self care, hard. Your new routine most definitely must include time for self care. And when I say time, I mean legit time. I give myself an hour and a half every day. Getting your mind right each day is the only way you’re gonna make it through this quarantine without going straight-up nuts.

I do my self-care routine in the morning, before anyone else in my house is awake. I get peace and quiet and wide open mental space to soak up some power and love before I start my day. That quiet time will look different for everyone, but whatever it looks like, give it to yourself. Meditate. Journal. Pray. Exercise. Be unapologetic about wanting to take care of yourself.

Living as your highest and best self means not trading away your beauty and strength just because you’re stuck in quarantine. It’s ok to still want to feel powerful. Your kiddos are watching everything you do. Show them during this tumultuous and uncertain time that the greatest thing they can do is love themselves by demonstrating that you love yourself.

4) Get dressed. Everyone (including you) will take you more seriously if you aren’t wearing pajamas all day. Now, I’m not saying buttons and zippers are mandatory (although props to you if you’re still rocking stuff that’s “hand wash/line dry”), but wear something you wouldn’t be embarrassed to be caught in while FaceTiming your mother-in-law or your boss.

Getting dressed is the lead domino that will knock down other power-inducing behavior, like brushing your teeth, washing your face and holding your head up just a bit higher. Don’t believe me? Step out of those sweatpants and try it for yourself, girlfriend.

5) Upgrade your five. Today, with fear and limitation spreading faster than the actual coronavirus, it is more important than ever to remember that you are the average of the five people you hang around the most. Be very intentional about who you listen to right now. The energy you allow into your space will make or break you.

Choose people who are contributing to the brightness and expansiveness of life. The podcasts you listen to and news shows you watch matter very much right now. It matters who you allow to vent to you on the phone. Adjust who you’re following on Facebook. Limit the news alerts you receive. And if you need to have a heart-to-heart with your spouse about supporting you in creating healthy energy in your home, do it.

Yes, COVID-19 is very serious. A lot of people are going to lose their livelihoods and their lives, I know. I also know this: attention is everything. God is good, and can work all things together for our good. Let’s surround ourselves with like-minded people and put our attention on the ideal outcome.

And anyway, nothing good will ever come from making up a horror story in your head. Might as well just skip that whole exercise and focus on what you can control: who you listen to and what you believe.

So create your new normal and ride it until this wave dies out. Because it will die out. You got this. Stay strong, girlfriend. This too, shall pass.

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The Working Mama’s Guide to Getting Stuff Done with Kids at Home

Posted on March 20, 2020 by Nikki Oden

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Photo by LinkedIn Sales Navigator on Unsplash

Recently I shared my top 10 tips for entertaining your kids from home without losing your mind. If you missed this wildly popular post, be sure to check it out!

Now, entertaining your kids from home is all fine and dandy if you can participate in the entertainment. But what are you supposed to do if you have to actually work while your kids are home with you? This one is tricky, and has definitely frustrated me more than once in the last few days.

But, as many working mamas have been forced to do of late, I’ve quickly picked up a few tricks. Here are seven ways to work from home with your kiddos:

1) Wake Up Earlier.

In some ways, as we’re settling into this new normal, being at home can sort of feel like a vacation. There doesn’t seem to be any reason to go to bed “on time” because, well, you don’t have to be anywhere the next day. Even I, who normally wakes up at 4:15 am, was at first rolling out of bed whenever I happened to wake up naturally or was rudely awakened by one of my kids. But I quickly remembered that those wee hours of the morning are the quietest and most productive of my day. I meditate, pray and then get to work on anything that requires absolute focus and peace.

So, as irksome as it may seem, get back to setting an alarm. No matter which industry we’re in, most of us have some job tasks (like de-cluttering your email inbox or doing paperwork) that can be completed during non-business hours. You’ll be shocked at how much you can get done when you’re not hearing, “Mom? Mom? Mom!” every five seconds.

2) Create a Schedule.

Humans, especially kids, crave routine. Routine fosters stability and a way to manage expectations. Get dressed in the morning and make sure your kids do the same. Everyone (including you) will take you more seriously if you’re not wearing pajamas all day.

If you’re homeschooling right now, set up a schedule for your kids. Using my Weekly Designer, mine looks something like this:

Depending on your kids’ ages, they’re probably required to read on their own for 20 minutes at a time. My second grader is also required to complete math and language arts lessons online through district programs called iReady and Success Maker. I use those quick bursts of quiet to check emails and respond to anything urgent.

(Tip: If you need help designing your days, check out the YIML Time Optimizing System. Yeah, I got your back, girlfriend).

3) Tune Into an Online Yoga or Fitness Class for Kids.

If your kids are too young to read on their own, try getting their attention with an at-home phys ed class. Cosmic Kids Yoga and Move to Learn have great classes for various age groups on YouTube. The yoga classes are longer than the fitness ones, so keep that in mind when you’re selecting one. For younger kiddos, the yoga classes may be your best bet. They have themes ranging from Old McDonald to Frozen to Trolls. If you play your cards right, you should be able to get 15 to 25 minutes out of this trick.

4) Give Them Free Play, Art Edition.

This one is risky because of the high potential that paint, play doh or slime will permanently end up where it does not belong. I’ve found, however, that covering my countertop in copious amounts of plastic wrap significantly mitigates that risk. If you can give them something structured, like a figurine or a rock to paint, their concentration will likely last longer than it would if you just left them unattended to slap paint, markers or crayons onto paper. I can usually buy myself 20 to 30 uninterrupted minutes with this trick.

Warning: Do NOT leave them alone with glitter. Don’t do it. Glitter is like the herpes of the craft world. You cannot get rid of it. You will find it lurking in remote corners of your home for years to come.

5) Make the Most of Nap Time.

If your kids still nap, this time might be the only time you can squeeze in some work—maybe even a conference call. If you can couple this time with waking up earlier, you should be able to make a meaningful dent in your workload.

6) Allow Them to Watch a Movie.

Sometimes mama’s gotta rely on Disney. Thankfully, there are a ton of great options on the Disney Plus app. Choose something you and your kiddos all find acceptable and give them some popcorn. If you can, set up your work station close enough so you can intervene if they start trying to kill each other. Depending on how old your kids are and how entertaining the movie is, this option should give you at least 45 minutes.

7) Let Them Get on a Device.

It’s not ideal, but when you’ve gotta get something done, it’s your best bet. There are some great educational apps that kids actually enjoy (like PBS Kids, which is always free, and ABC Mouse, which is currently offering free home access with code SCHOOL1686). There are also some awesome educational websites your kids are sure to love, like Seussville or Fun Brain. Or you could let them watch National Geographic Kids or Brain Pop, Jr. on YouTube, or FaceTime with a cousin or a friend. Whatever you decide, just know it’s ok. On some days, in some moments, it’s just about survival. An hour on the iPad when you need to be on call or focus on getting something submitted is truly not the worst thing in the world.

And the MOST important thing for you to remember right now?

You.

Keep taking care of yourself. Exercise. Eat well. Rest. Give yourself a ton of grace. Most employers are, out of necessity, relaxing expectations and requirements. Everyone knows that schools are closed. No mom can be sitting in front of her computer for hours at a stretch while her kids are awake.

Remember that you are already amazing and you’re doing the best you can. Don’t be hard on yourself in this climate. You’re an awesome mom. You don’t have to be perfect, girlfriend.

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How to Start Something New (Even if It Terrifies You)

Posted on October 11, 2019 by Nikki Oden

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Like the phoenix that bursts into flames, burns to ash and rises to begin life again, I have started over a lot. That’s sort of the whole theme of this blog (Phoenix Diaries—get it?) Going down in flames and pulling myself up to start again from ash has taught me the greatest lessons of my life. In my short 39 years, I’ve left an entire life behind on one continent and started anew on another. I’ve ended a marriage that wasn’t working and stepped into pain and uncertainty to find true love and compatibility on the other side. I’ve walked away from a lucrative legal career to be a stay-at-home mom, created a kickass home-based business as a direct seller and then moved on to become a blogger extraordinaire. I’ve let go of perfectionism to embrace raw, vulnerable beingness. (That one is an ongoing lesson, I’ll be the first to admit).

People ask me all the time how I’m able to begin again and again and continually see success.

The answer came to me one day when I was kayaking, something I only do once a year. I had stopped paddling so that Emma and I could enjoy the view for a moment. It was a beautiful day in Sanibel and, despite the light breeze, the water was totally flat, like glass. After a few minutes, Emma turned back to look at me.

“Can we try to catch up with Daddy and Ryan now, Mommy?”

“Sure,” I said, dipping my paddle into the water. The nose of our kayak had slowly drifted off course while we had been still and I now needed to turn us. But, to my surprise, it was like rowing through mud. I couldn’t believe how strenuous it was to change directions.

Eventually, though, thanks to my super duper strong shoulder muscles, we got going. Once we were gliding again, turning the kayak was a breeze. That’s when it hit me:

It’s much easier to change directions when you’re moving than it is from a dead stop.

And that, my friends, is the reason I’m able to see success each time I’ve started over. Quite simply, it’s because I’m willing to dig in and start moving. Most of us are so scared of what could happen if we start something new that we remain stationary, paddle poised over the water but never breaking the surface. The uncertainty is paralyzing.

As time passes, the thought of moving gets scarier and scarier. We worry that we won’t be able to go in the direction we want to. We fear that we won’t know what the second step should be.

But here’s the thing, girlfriend.

You don’t need to know what the second step will be to make the first one. Once you start, the next step will reveal itself.

If it turns out you take a “wrong” step along the way, just change directions. Likely, the reason you created the experience of the “wrong” step anyway is so you could reveal to yourself in no uncertain terms what you need to shift. And, like my experience in the kayak, because you’re already moving, changing directions will be a lot easier than it was to begin in the first place.

I know, I know. Time for a You-Can’t Monster check, because right now yours is making a nasty face and saying, “Easier said than done!” Well, as my friend Chris Ruden would say, “Done is better than said.” As Chris points out, and you have to agree, everything that requires action—literally everything—is easier said than done. Is it easier to say you’re going to wash your hair than it is to actually wash it? Yep. Just like it was easier to say I wanted to be in a healthy, loving relationship than it was to pack my things, move out and file for divorce.

So, as Phoenixes, let’s stop using that phrase as a crutch. Just because it’s easier to say something than it is to do it doesn’t mean it can’t be done.

And guess what? It will probably be hard at first, like my first drags of the paddle through the water that day. Starting over has been exactly like that for me—every time, it’s hard. But I keep going. And every time, the next step reveals itself.

Start optimizing your time with the YIML Weekly Designer!

Now, here’s where stuff gets real.

The reason I’m writing this post is because I need a little smack on the tush. I myself want to start something new—my podcast—and I am absolutely terrified about taking the first step. TERRIFIED.

I’m afraid I won’t know what I’m doing. I’m afraid no one will tune in. I’m afraid it won’t be good. You know, the usual.

In an effort to get myself going, I’ve socialized my goal and told the world about it on social media. I’ve interviewed other podcasters to get advice on hosting platforms, which microphone to use and how to get on iTunes. In other words, I actually know what the first few steps are in this instance! And yet I find myself sitting here, stationary, months later.

So trust me, you’re not alone if you feel like you’ve been standing at the precipice for awhile, wanting to jump into your dream yet holding yourself back in sheer terror of what will happen next. But what you and I both need to remember right now is that great things never came from comfort zones. The magic happens out there, beyond the precipice.

Jen Sincero, author of You are a Badass, once said,

“You are the only you there is and ever will be. Do not deny the world its one and only chance to bask in your brilliance.”

Words to live by, don’t you think? Truly, where would we all be if our heroes who came before us never took that first step? You and I might not even have an iPhone or an iPad on which to read this post!

Wherever you’re holding yourself back, the way I’m holding myself back from launching the podcast, just start. Drag your paddle through that water. You cannot forget that you are destined for greatness, even when it’s terrifying and hard.

Because you know what, girlfriend? You can do hard things. (And yes, I’m talking to myself, too).

Mark my words: the Phoenix Diaries podcast will be up and streaming within 60 days of this blog post because I am taking the first step today! Wanna take our first steps together? Give me a shout and let me know what you’re working on.

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How to Have It All without Doing It All

Posted on September 20, 2019 by Nikki Oden

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Mom's Ultimate Guide to Outsourcing: 5 Ways to Take Back Your Time

One of the most valuable lessons I ever learned about success and womanhood came to me at a breakfast I attended for the Women’s Initiative when I was just a young whipper snapper toiling away for Big Law. The keynote speaker was a woman, of course, and as the global head of a department of one of the most powerful banks on the planet, her success on paper was quite impressive. Plus she was a wife and mother of two, which gave her some street cred.

After discussing the hair and makeup syndrome, which alone was a nugget worth my undivided attention, she took a question from the audience. The inquirer, who appeared to be a teacher accompanied by female students from a local high school, asked her, “How do you achieve balance?”

The speaker literally snorted, and I immediately perked up.

“Balance?” she repeated, almost choking on her laughter. “I don’t have balance! I mean, I love my husband and my kids but I don’t have time to cook them dinner every night.” She practically smirked. “Ladies, you do not get to this level in business by having balance. You have to be all in. I focus on what’s most important and pay someone else to take care of the rest.”

I was so impressed, I had almost whistled, and not because I want to be the head of some global conglomerate (yet—ha). In fact, the business acumen of this woman is the least relevant part of the story. What struck me was her unapologetic honesty in conceding what it actually takes for her to be great at what she does.

And what I learned from her that day applies to all of us who are raising humans:

There are literally hundreds of things that must be done in your life each day, but they need not all be done by you.

When you’re a mom, it’s easy to forget that truth. On a daily basis, we tend to put our own needs last, reacting first to what’s “urgent” (though not necessarily important), and getting mired down in everything that needs to be done without regard to whether we need to be the one doing it.

Let’s not forget: you, mama, were made for greatness.

How, though, do you actually step into your greatness and use the precious moments God has given you to harness your gifts without getting distracted by those pesky, urgent tasks that keep you from tending to the truly important ones?

The answer, of course, is outsourcing. Outsourcing is your friend. It’s ok to ask for help.

To do great things, you must allow someone else to do the tasks on your list that you don’t absolutely love doing or aren’t contributing to your life’s purpose.

And let’s be clear: your life’s purpose includes making romantic, alone time for you and your spouse and for playing with your kids. It also most definitely includes time for yourself, to care for the one and only body God gave you, to meditate, journal, pray, indulge in a mani/pedi, and whatever else makes you feel warm and happy—even if it’s one of the items on my Outsourcing List. Doing things we love is a form of self-care, and self-care is always time well spent. (Side note: if your plate feels so full that even making time for self-care seems overwhelming, check out these 7 awesome tips from the iNLP Center).

As a married mother of two and a woman on a mission to change the world one heart at a time, I never have an empty plate. That choice forces me to remember I need not personally perform every task on my list. I need only do what will support me in creating and living out my God-given purpose in life. And living this way helps to maintain sanity, which is generally a good thing.

These are the ways I outsource to create and live my ideal mom life (and you can too):

1. Stop Doing Your Own Grocery Shopping and Target Runs.

Unless you absolutely love performing these tasks (which would put them in the “self-care” category), you must outsource them. Although they must be done and sometimes urgently, you and I both know they aren’t contributing to your life’s purpose.

The solution? Instacart and Shipt. (Cue the angels singing!) Shipt is pure genius, and you can use it to shop at your favorite stores, like Target. You can’t buy alcohol at Target using this service, but you can buy almost everything else, from perishable goods to toothpaste and shampoo to granola bars and boxed mac ‘n cheese. If you have a Target Red Card, the pot is even sweeter. You’ll get your standard 5% off the entire purchase plus free shipping. Holla!

But here’s the best part: it keeps you out of Target. Don’t get me wrong—I flipping love Target, but every time I set foot in there I end up spending $50 more than I intended to. Every. Time. By using Shipt instead, I remove all temptation. It’s glorious.

When I need to do traditional grocery shopping, Instacart and Shipt are my besties—especially because of the pandemic, which doesn’t have me excited about going to the grocery store in person anyway. Both services are available in my area so I use them interchangeably but you may only have access to one or the other.

For a nominal fee, your personal grocery shopper will buy your groceries for you. All you need to do is sign up for Instacart or Shipt and select which groceries you want to purchase. You can even include special instructions with your grocery list for those times when you want your chicken breast cubed or your shrimp peeled. If you’re using Shipt, your shopper will call or text you if he or she has questions. Mine have even texted me photos of comparable replacement items when the product I wanted wasn’t in stock. On Instacart, if what you want isn’t available, they’ll simply refund you.

And now, be still my heart! Whole Foods delivers through the Prime Now app. I happen to love shopping at Whole Foods because they have so many fantastic options for eating organic. The closest one to my house, however, isn’t close at all. When I tell you I squealed like a piglet when I discovered that I could select my groceries through this app, I am only slightly exaggerating. (Actually, I’m not. I did squeal. Just like a piglet).

No matter which app you’re using, once you’ve got everything in your cart, just select when you want your groceries to be delivered and, like magic, they will show up at your door at that time. And if you meet the free-delivery minimum, they’ll show up sans the delivery fee (but of course, I always tip my shopper). Similar services like Walmart Curbside Pickup, which still requires you to drive to the store but allows you to skip the up-and-down aisle roaming, are also awesome, and since the world was turned upside down by COVID-19, more and more stores are offering this option.

There certainly is a premium for shopping this way, but let’s think about what you get in return: your time! Sure, I would spend less if I was clipping coupons and shopping myself—and believe me, I spent years doing that—but the money I saved was negligible compared to the return I’m getting now on using that time to crush my goals. Same goes for you and your audacious dreams. Remember, to have it all, you cannot possibly do it all. There are people out there—like your neighborhood Instacart and Shipt shoppers—who are eager to help you. Let them.

2. Immediately Cease and Desist from Cleaning Your House, Doing Your Laundry and Washing Your Dishes.

Unless, of course, you absolutely love doing that stuff (and if you do, I want to meet you). If you don’t, stop. These tasks are so easily outsourced. Plus, if your family is anything like mine, they won’t give a hoot who folded their socks and hung up their shirts. They’ll just be happy to have clean clothes at the ready. Same goes for the spotless toilet and crumb-free floor.

My dishwashing, laundry-doing ninja comes every Monday. I strategically asked her to come on that day so I can start my week off in peace. My house is cleaned every other week, which leaves me with only some touching up to do here and there between cleanings. Does everything get done perfectly? Nope. But done is better than perfect. I write those checks each week with pleasure.

It’s just as honorable to employ as it is to be employed. Hiring someone to help you around the house gives that person the opportunity to earn a living and fund their life’s purpose while freeing you up to live yours. See how that works so beautifully?

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3. Don’t You Dare Wash Your Own Car!

I never ever wash my own car because I don’t love doing it. I don’t even love driving to a car-washing place to get it done. But as a mother of two littles, you better believe that my car gets filthy. My solution? Washé, “the app that cleans your car.” It’s like Uber for mobile car detailers. It’s not available in every state yet, but if it’s in your area, you must check it out.

Here’s how it works. I open the app and select the type of wash I want. They range from $25 to $160, and they even have a “sanitize” option now to address COVID-19 concerns. Then voila! A Washér in the area will take the job and head to my location. And while my Washér is in my driveway washing, waxing and vacuuming cheddar bunnies from my car, I sit in my house being productive in the air conditioning. When my car has been restored to her shiny, litter-free self, I get a ping and pay the Washér through the app (no contact!). Best. Thing. Ever.

If you don’t have Washé in your area, ask around for a trusted mobile car detailer. I’m telling you, it’s life changing. It’s like doing two things at once, only you’re doing the thing you want to do and the car detailer is washing your car. Magic! Oh wait, no, that’s just outsourcing.

4. A Virtual Assistant Could Change Your Life.

If you have a home-based business, this one is a game changer. I recently hired my first V.A. (that’s short for “virtual assistant”) and I. Am. In. Love. My friend Julie Cabezas over at Copy Crimes recently wrote about hiring a V.A. and girlfriend, she is on to something. As she says, and I wholeheartedly agree, “If you want to make a lot of money–and make a big impact in the world–you can’t be stuck in the details.”

Julie highly recommends Maria Carras, who has dedicated her life’s work to the virtual assistant industry. For free (that’s right, I said free), Maria will help you find the perfect virtual assistant. [Side note: Julie and I are not affiliates for this program]. Obviously you still have to pay an hourly wage for the services your assistant provides, but you get to name your price.

I’m not gonna lie. I hesitated when I read Julie’s message about hiring a V.A. I thought, I’m not sure I have enough on my plate to justify the cost of hiring an assistant. But, as if she could read my mind, Julie advised in the next sentence that “[t]his is exactly the wrong type of belief to have.” If you find yourself doing penny jobs at the expense of earning dollars, your plate isn’t just full, it’s maxed out. Being open to the abundance that can come from hiring a personal assistant requires a paradigm shift, but Julie swears it’s worth it.

She inspired me to examine my plate more closely. Here’s what it looks like:

Believer
Mother of two young, adorable, rascally, infuriating, amazing, beautiful kids
Happy wife to an incredible man who loves and wants to spend time with me
Student of the self-discovery life mastery process
Blogger extraordinaire (you like that one?)
Podcaster
Author
Lawyer
Adjunct professor of law (Woot! That’s a new one. More on that in a later post)
Tennis player on a “competitive” moms league
Executive Committee Member of the Board of Directors for JDRF’s Greater Palm Beach Chapter
Executive Board Member of the PTA and member of the School Advisory Council at my kiddos’ elementary school

I’ll leave you to imagine all of the tasks that accompany those items, not the least of which are eating, bathing and sleeping. My V.A. relieves me of the tasks I’m not good at, like creating the beautiful visuals for my digital products and my Pinterest boards, which frees me up for countless other things at which I’m much more effective, like writing and creating content. I’m psyched about Maria’s service and highly recommend you check it out.

My takeaway? Heed Julie’s advice: “Promote yourself to LEADER—and stop doing everything alone.”

5. Let Someone Else Cook Dinner for You.

On the two days each week that I leave the house to lawyer, I am way too beat when we walk back through the door to cook anything, let alone a meal that resembles something wholesome and healthy. So naturally, I outsource this task instead. Allowing someone else to cook dinner for me and the three other humans I love most in the world is one of the most powerful ways I take back my time.

My solution is a local South Florida chef, known simply as Chef B, who prepares meals you select from a weekly menu he creates. He even has a kids’ menu! I peruse, click and order what we need for the week from his website and he delivers it all to my doorstep on Sunday, each meal packaged in its own container, cooked and ready to be re-heated when we’re ready to eat. It’s absolutely divine. There have been evenings when I’ve whispered out loud as I’m setting the table, “This totally saved me tonight.”

But if a private chef just isn’t in your budget, consider using tools you may already have stuffed in a cupboard somewhere, like a pressure or slow cooker. My slow cooker is an absolute lifesaver. It has Wemo technology, which means that I can set it remotely using an app on my phone. My go-to is this crockpot taco recipe. Google and Pinterest got your back, girlfriend. There is no shortage of recipes you can lean on that don’t require you to chop, dice or saute.

Hark! You can enjoy a wholesome meal with your family and you don’t have to cook it!

Oh Yes, You Can Too Afford It!

Listen, I understand that all of these outsourcing methods cost money. And no, I don’t have piles of it laying around. So trust me, I understand if your You-Can’t Monster is getting all snarky with you right now, glaring at you over her glasses and spewing some nonsense about you not being able to afford to pay someone else to do your chores and run your errands.

But let’s get real. Time invested in one area is time away from another. And yeah, maybe it means less runs through the Starbucks drive-thru, but freeing yourself up to do the dollar jobs and fund your ideal life simply makes sense. For me, that means using the time I get back by outsourcing to work on my dream (writing the book that will soon be published) or to fund my dream by performing legal work, which I bill for by the hour. For you, it might mean taking on more classes as a substitute teacher. Maybe it means you can accommodate more orders for your incredible, custom cookies and cakes. Whatever the pay off, remember that every time you choose to use your gifts instead of wasting time doing things others can do for you, you’re creating your ideal mom life.

Now, I’ll openly admit that despite my intellectual command of this topic, by no means do I have it all together. I still get mired down in tasks that are urgent but not important. I still find myself wasting precious moments doing things that don’t support my ideal life, like running to the grocery store and refolding towels. The reason I write posts like this is because I need to be reminded too.

But when I get sucked into the details, I remember this quote from Jamie Gilbert, which I’ve written on my bathroom mirror:

“Greatness isn’t for the chosen few.
Greatness is for the few who choose.”

Choose greatness, girlfriend. And start outsourcing.

Want to learn the three things that all moms who are rocking it know? Join hundreds of women who are learning how to make themselves a priority and create a mom life they love!

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