When You Fall Off the Wagon

Posted on December 14, 2021 by Nikki Oden

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Have you ever been totally rocking something—like you were showing up every day, doing the work, looking in the mirror saying “Consistency is my middle name!”—and then completely fallen off the wagon?

Maybe for you it was eating well and exercising as you worked toward a weight loss goal. Perhaps you were on a meditation streak, or you were honoring your morning routine and faithfully making time just for you.

In my case, it was all of those things, because I had consistently been time blocking my weeks and owning my days.

And then suddenly, I wasn’t.

It happened so slowly that even now, as I deliberately reflect on what went wrong, I can’t pinpoint when it began. One day I noticed that I wasn’t waking up as early as I had intended, which meant I wasn’t honoring my morning routine. That, in turn, meant I wasn’t meditating, praying or journaling on a regular basis, nor was I working on my biggest professional goal, which is to finish writing my novel.

It also meant my exercise equipment got dusty, my knives, cutting boards and pans went unused in favor of takeout, and the laundry situation in my household became utterly dire.

I found that I wasn’t owning my time at all. I was allowing other people to dictate what I did and when I did it, instead of honoring my priorities and setting boundaries to protect my glass balls. I was getting sucked into what seemed urgent but, upon reflection, wasn’t actually important.

On Sundays, when I looked back on the week I’d just had, I realized I hadn’t touched many of the things that support my life’s goals—the things that fill me up and make me feel like I’m making a massive impact on the world.

And then *ish* finally hit the fan.

I landed a speaking role with the women’s initiative of a very prestigious law firm to speak to their female lawyers about burnout which, as an expert, I know is caused almost entirely by struggles with time management. The moderator of the event and I scheduled a time to hop on Zoom to prepare, but because I have been spread so thin, and become so out of practice with time blocking, I missed the call.

Yeah. That happened.

And although she was the epitome of grace and we rescheduled and smoothed everything out, I realized (after bursting into tears and momentarily indulging the part of me that wanted to wallow and feel like a total fraud and a complete failure), that there was only one way to get out of this rut I had fallen into.

I needed to get back to practicing what I preach.

The point of this rather embarrassing story is twofold. First, I want you to take away that even those of us who literally teach a course on this subject can fall off the wagon and find ourselves once again on the Hot Mess Express. Take comfort in knowing that no one is perfect at this stuff. We working mamas are all in this together and we all have opportunities for growth.

Second, this experience has shown me in real time how incredibly important it is to plan your days and honor your plans, and precisely how quickly things can spiral into chaos when you don’t. And the beauty of having fallen down is that now I get to pick myself back up, and share with you how you can too (if, hypothetically speaking, you were ever to find yourself in this situation). The timing on this is actually kind of perfect with the New Year around the corner anyway.

Here’s how I recommend you get back on the horse:

1) Identify what most likely derailed you.

In my case, it was saying yes when I should have been saying no (politely, of course). I had taken on this false belief that I could successfully bite off more than I could chew. I knew better, and yet I did it anyway, and the result was exactly what you would expect.

Remember that time invested in one area is time away from another. If it’s not your best yes, don’t say yes.

By saying “no,” you’re creating an opportunity for someone else to shine and give her best yes. See how beautifully that works out?

So next time you’re faced with having to say no, say it. Be powerful enough to reply, “If I say yes to this, then I’d be saying no to [time with my family] or [time I blocked to work out] or [(fill in the blank)].” And if saying it on the spot feels too scary you can always fall back on, “Let me give it some thought and I’ll get back to you.” Give yourself some time to think, pray or feel about it, come up with kind but honest words to use, and then get back to that person and just say no.

Sometimes saying no to others is the only way to say yes to yourself.

2) Make a “to-don’t” list.

I’mma encourage you to go nuts with this. Indulge your inner tantruming child and emphatically say no to every single thing you just do not want to do. Lay it all out there on the paper.

Even if in the end, you truly must keep some of those things on your list, admitting that you don’t want to do it anymore will prompt you to figure out a way to make those items less taxing by outsourcing help or implementing a new system.

3) Purge the clutter from your mind.

When my mind is cluttered with every single thing I need to get done from every area of my multi-faceted life, from lawyering to momming to Your Ideal Mom Life to the PTA, I feel crippled by overwhelm. And when I pause to think about it, I realize I feel like I’m drowning because I haven’t been doing a regular mental dump.

Take it from me: the mental dump is vital. And [bonus,] it’s so easy. All you have to do is jot down every single “to do item” weighing on your mind. Just get it out of your head and onto paper.

I’m talking everything, my friend. It doesn’t matter what area of your life it pertains to. It doesn’t matter if it’s big or small. It doesn’t matter how long it’s been on your list. It doesn’t matter if you think you’ll never have time to do it. If it’s on your mind, dump it onto the paper.

Once it’s all out and captured in one place, it can be sorted, prioritized and (ta da!) cross-referenced against your to-don’t list.

And gurrrrl, let me tell you. Getting it out feels so good.

4) Remember what it is you truly want.

I’m certain that I have derailed so much in these last few months because I haven’t been focusing on what I want. And the only way to truly manage your time and own your day when you’re a working mom is to be certain about what you want out of life.

Because I haven’t been giving attention to what I want, I haven’t been taking the right action, and because I haven’t taken proper action, I haven’t manifested what I want. Instead, I have been spinning around in circles every week.

So I’m regaining clarity, and if you’re in this boat with me, I’m encouraging you to do the same.

Figure out from a “big picture” level what your personal and professional goals are. I recommend having a maximum of three annual goals for both your personal and professional lives. Remember, once you know what those are, you can back into what you need to accomplish on a monthly, weekly and daily basis to achieve those goals, and prioritize those items on your calendar.

Which brings me to my final tip.

5) Prioritize and block it out.

This part is easy. Remembering that not everything matters equally, and that the balls representing the major areas of your life are made of either rubber or glass, makes prioritizing a breeze. Quite simply, the glass balls must come first.

By this point in the process, you’ve already surveyed what’s on your plate (the mental dump), what you’re scraping off of it (your to-don’t list), and what’s most important to you. Now, all you have to do is calendar it.

And spoiler alert: it’s not all going to fit into this week. But that’s OK. We are still crushing it, and still on track, because we are focusing on what matters most.

We all have setbacks. We all fall down or get knocked off course. The key is owning it so we can dust ourselves off and get back up.

Here’s to getting back on the horse, mama. I’m right there with you and I cannot wait to see what you create.

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The Working Mom’s Pro Tip for Learning Something New

Posted on November 3, 2021 by Nikki Oden

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You know that old adage, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks?” Do you ever feel like it sort of applies to you now that you’re a mom with grown up bills and a house to take care of and humans who literally depend on you to live?

I’ll admit I’ve definitely had that thought a time or two since my days as a twenty-something (and yikes—even a thirty-something) are over. And yet, I long to learn new things.

One of my personal goals this year is to learn how to play chess. Or, more accurately, re-learn. It’s a game I grew up playing sporadically when I’d visit my grandfather in South America, and one my dad and sister play well. Chess has been around forever—it’s one of the oldest games in the world—and teaches you the skills of strategic and critical thinking. It requires you to be completely present with your opponent as you play. That’s one of the things I love most about it.

And I’ll admit, The Queen’s Gambit definitely had something to do with my renewed interest in the game.

Along the way, however, I’ve forgotten a lot of the rules. So I decided this year that I’d pick it up again and re-teach myself. Lofty, right? I mean, it sounded good, but then I became paralyzed by the how of it.

“Who can teach me?”

“Are there resources online?”

“What’s the first step in learning?”

I almost didn’t even start, but then I recalled that my dad had bought a chess set for my kiddos and, along with it, a children’s book on how to play.

So I started there. With a children’s book. It breaks the game down into easy-to-understand concepts intended to be consumed by a ten-year-old, and as it turns out, is a marvelous way for a crazy busy, not-twenty-and-not-even-thirty-anymore working mom of two to learn as well.

And let me tell you, girlfriend—it worked!

That got me thinking. Maybe learning something new by consuming the kid version first could be a thing. Why not?

By necessity, the kid version won’t be complicated. It will be straightforward, with examples that actually teach you the concept without trying to trick you, and will build slowly, one concept after another. Depending on the subject matter, the kid version might even gameify the learning process.

And did you ever notice that folks who started working on their craft when they were kids tend to be really good at them? Yes, they’ve been practicing for years. But I think there’s also a correlation there with the way they learned.

Exciting, right? Think of the possibilities! Sewing. Cake decorating. Scrapbooking. Cooking. Photography. Coding. Even sports.

After figuring out this new “kid trick,” I asked my tennis coach to teach me how to improve my game by doing drills with me that he does with my daughter. “I don’t care if it seems silly or pointless. I want to learn,” I told him. He took me up on it, and I held true to my word, doing the drills that seemed like they were too simple to actually be teaching me anything, until one day, I realized we had completely transformed my swing through a series of small, fundamental yet easy-to-implement changes.

You should see my forehand now, mama. It’s pretty awesome, if I do say so myself.

So if you think you’re an old dog who can’t learn new tricks, I say hogwash! After all, anyone can do anything. Why not you?

Try it out. Teach yourself something new, starting with a children’s guide. And while you’re at, let me know how it goes. I can’t wait to see what you create, girlfriend.

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Not everyone is going to think you’re awesome, and that’s ok. They’re wrong, though.

Posted on September 26, 2021 by Nikki Oden

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My love language is “words of affirmation,” which I always thought was adorable . . . until I realized that I’m sort of saying I need other people to tell me how awesome I am to feel worthy or loved.

Wait. That doesn’t sound powerful . . .

But it has played out that way in real life: with me craving, more than I’d like to admit, affirmation and praise as a way to feel good enough.

Good enough as a lawyer. Good enough as a podcaster. Good enough as an author and a business owner. Good enough as a mom.

Do you ever go there, too?

Recently, someone ranked me at the bottom of their list. In my mind, they were saying, We don’t care how hard you’ve been working. We still think you are the least capable member of this group. And for a good hour, I acted like what they thought actually mattered. I felt like I needed their belief in me.

That was stupid.

But it was also a great lesson. Because the truth is that not everyone is going to believe in me. Not everyone is going to think I’m awesome. ⁣

𝓣𝓱𝓮𝔂’𝓻𝓮 𝔀𝓻𝓸𝓷𝓰, 𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓾𝓰𝓱.⁣

I believe in me. And that’s enough. ⁣

That belief keeps me going in every single one of my personal and professional endeavours, and helps me show up again and again to make an impact on working mamas (like I did recently when I was quoted in The Boston Globe!)

Same goes for you, girlfriend. There will always be people in your life who don’t think you’re awesome, whether a co-worker, another mom, a teammate or even a member of your own family.

But what other people think of you or say about you or say to you doesn’t change who you are. And it never can.

So be who you are. Because you’re amazing.

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That Time I Didn’t Even Try

Posted on May 4, 2021 by Nikki Oden

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I go for stuff. I’m not the girl who sits around waiting for life to happen to her. I don’t complain about so-called “bad luck” or hate on others’ success. No way. I believe that we create everything we experience in life and, with God as my source, I step into my power and I go for stuff.

That’s not to say I don’t suffer from attacks of imposter syndrome (or as I like to call it, the You Can’t Monster). To be very clear, I’m a big fan of the ugly cry on a rough day.

So in early 2020 when I signed up to do a Spartan “sprint” (which, mind you, is several miles of hell, complete with 21 obstacles, barbed wire and a lot of mud), I thought, OK. I’m gonna go for this.

But then COVID happened and the race was postponed. My Hard Exercise Works gym, where many a Spartan athlete is born, was forced to temporarily close. We all stayed home for a several tumultuous months and I eventually fell out of doing my crazy-hard workouts. And when the race was finally rescheduled in 2021, it all felt a lot less, well . . . fun, to the extent getting filthy while voluntarily enduring pain in the name of fitness ever seemed fun.

But because I’m the girl who goes for stuff, I also tend to be very, very hard on myself. I do not let myself off the hook easily. And I’ve been known to berate myself when I feel I’ve underperformed or not shown up the way I thought I should.

Thus, twenty-four hours before the race began found me in an intense debate. With . . . ahem, myself.

“You said you were going to do it, so you should do it.”

I nodded. “Yeah. I should just do it.” I wrinkled my nose. “But I really don’t want to.”

“Yeah, but you’ll be stronger for it. You’ll definitely grow.”

“I know I will.” I sighed. “But I really don’t want to.”

I intermittently had this back-and-forth conversation with myself all day. Finally, when my bestie and fellow Spartan texted me to find out what I had decided, I wrote back, “I guess I should just do it.”

She responded, “Or you could not do it and be ok with it.”

Wait. What?

You know that moment in movies where the protagonist has an epiphany and the music swells, the lighting gets brighter and the camera swoops in? Yeah, that happened for me in that moment. Yes! I thought. I could just not do it and be ok with it. Yes!

So that’s what I did.

I took myself out of the race before I even laced up my shoes. I quit. I didn’t even try.

And damn, girlfriend, it felt gooooooood.

It felt so good to give myself permission to do exactly what I wanted, even if that meant I wasn’t going to do something I had signed up for.

It was quite a foreign experience. Remember, I’m the girl who goes for stuff.

So as that girl, I have to make sure you don’t get me wrong.

I’m not saying it’s ok to bail on your commitments willy nilly. It is not cool to leave people hanging when they’re depending on you to show up. I’m not saying you should start things and not finish them. And I am definitely not saying it’s ok to make excuses when the going gets tough.

Because duh, if we constantly did that, we’d never accomplish our big, hairy audacious goals. We wouldn’t learn how to do new things. We’d never grow.

What I am saying is that when your heart’s not in it, when you’re not doing it for the right reasons, when no one else is going to be put out, it’s ok to give yourself a break.

In my case, my bestie had already done two Spartan races and had made it very clear to me that she felt no qualms about skipping this one. I, on the other hand, had not been training for it. In fact, I was dreading it. My heart just wasn’t in it.

And that’s why giving myself a break on this one was the most loving thing I could have done for myself.

All you perfectionists out there, all you mamas who are so hard on yourselves, who never, ever let yourself off the hook—let that sink in.

It’s ok to give yourself a break. Giving yourself a break can be the deepest form of self care. Truly, it’s an act of love.

So next time you’re faced with forcing yourself to do something you really don’t want to do and that truly won’t hurt you to skip, ask yourself: Is my heart in this? Am I doing this for the right reasons? Is anyone else’s life going to be more difficult if I decide not to follow through?

If the answer to those questions is no, skip it. Give yourself the break. Take the win that comes with loving yourself enough to know when you need to take care of you and just let it be easy. Stop being so brutally hard on yourself.

Trust yourself, girlfriend. And allow yourself to receive all the beautiful blessings that flow your way when you do.

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The Power of a Morning Routine

Posted on March 18, 2021 by Nikki Oden

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As moms, we are always on call. Literally. If my kids are awake, I can guarantee I’ll be hearing, “Mom!” at least twenty times throughout the course of a single day. Sometimes they call me to tattle on each other. Other times they need help finding something and believe I have a magical honing device that can conjure lost sweatshirts, face masks or homework out of thin air. Sometimes they’ve hurt themselves and need a kiss and a snuggle. Most often, though, it’s to ask for a snack. At this stage of their lives, my kids depend on me for a lot.

It’s beautiful. And it’s exhausting.

So, like most moms I know, one of the things I crave the most is alone time.

The question is, how do we get it?

I won’t claim I have a one-size-fits-all solution, but after a ton of trial and improvement, I do know what works for me.

→ Insert morning routine here. ←

That’s right. With an intentional morning routine comes guaranteed “me” time. Now, let me assure you right off the bat that I am not about to tell you to wake up at 5 AM. But if you’re not currently getting time to yourself every single day, I am going to tell you to wake up earlier than you are now.

OK, before you close this window of your browser, hear me out!

Waking up earlier doesn’t have to be painful. Promise.

You only need 20 minutes to yourself—before everyone else in your house gets up—to “fill your cup,” so to speak. What you do in that 20 minutes is entirely up to you. Maybe it means you get to sit somewhere cozy and enjoy that first, blissful cup of stress-free coffee without anyone interrupting you. It might mean you read that novel you’ve been meaning to dig into, or that you meditate, journal or exercise. I use that first 20 minutes to work on my biggest, hairiest, most audacious goal.

Whatever you do with that time, I strongly urge you to spend it on something you love. Something that’s just for you.

Now, if you’re shaking your head at me like, “Nikki, I snooze three times before I make it out of bed as it is. How am I supposed to wake up twenty minutes earlier?!”

I got you, girlfriend.

Here’s what I suggest: start with five minutes earlier. Just five. (You’ve got five in you, come on).

And then once you have that down, set your alarm for 10 minutes earlier. And when you’re rocking that, move it to 15. Eventually, you’ll get to 20 minutes like it ain’t no thing. And all the while, as you’re working your way up to 20, you’re getting an extra five, ten or fifteen minutes in your day of guaranteed “me” time.

Take a sec’ to imagine how glorious that would be. You’re a morning routine away from making it happen.

To really seal the deal, I also suggest going to bed at the same time every night (and no, that’s not code for, “Go to bed at 8 PM”).

My go-to bedtime is 10 PM. To help me stay on track, I use the “🛏 Sleep | Wake Up” tool in the Alarm section of the built-in Clock app on my iPhone. Going to bed at the same time every night solidifies my routine in the morning, and allows me to get seven and a half hours of sleep before I’m up at 5:30 AM to enjoy the peace, quiet and productivity that comes with the stillness of my household at that hour. I’ve worked my way up to a sixty-minute morning routine which, in addition to allowing me to work on my BHAGs, gives me time to mediate, journal and pray.

Try it this week. Decide what you would do with guaranteed alone time. Then set your alarm for five minutes earlier than it is now (or twenty if you’re feeling robust) and start going to sleep at the same time every night.

And let me know how it goes! I’ll be thinking of you as I’m sipping on my peppermint tea tomorrow morning.

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What You and I Have in Common with a Real-Life Princess: My Takeaway from Meghan Markle’s Interview

Posted on March 9, 2021 by Nikki Oden

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No family is perfect. I think we all know this, inherently, but was I the only mom in America who was kind of relieved to get certain confirmation that even the Royal Family has issues? (By the way, if you have no idea what I’m talking about, you must check out Meghan Markle and Prince Harry’s incredibly raw interview with Oprah. Make some popcorn beforehand. You’ll thank me later).

For an hour and a half, I watched on the edge of my seat as the Duchess of Sussex poured her heart out to Oprah about the pain, isolation and cruelty she endured at the hands of the British media during her tenure as a senior working member of the Royal Family. I was fascinated by her honesty and bravery. Riveted, I found myself nodding in agreement and commenting out loud despite being alone in my home office. “Yes,” I said, more than once. “I totally agree.”

I’m not a world-famous princess, I get that. And no, the British media (or, um, any media for that matter) isn’t watching my every move and plotting how they can assassinate my character before the nation while my majestic in-laws look on, smiling.

But I think we can all relate to bits of what Meghan shared, don’t you? I mean, hasn’t anyone ever treated you unfairly or said things about you that were completely false?

When my husband and I first started dating, he was navigating this weird, financial dynamic with his family. As the first to graduate from high school, then college, and then graduate school, he was expected by his parents and siblings alike to pay for them when they got together for family events—even if the event was his own birthday. If one of them fell behind on a bill, his phone would ring.

They weren’t even grateful. They expected it.

It was clear to me as an outsider that his family didn’t want to acknowledge the truth, which was that he had built himself up from scratch. He had busted his ass to pay his tuition and pass his exams, and even as a full-blown professional he never stopped hustling. With that truth came a hard pill to swallow: they could do it too, if they worked hard enough. It was much easier for them to believe that he was simply “lucky,” and that he suddenly “got rich.”

So they held their hands out instead. And my husband, for his part, forked it over.

By the time I came into the picture, he was sick and tired of that dance. Realizing that he had been complicit by stepping in tune to the music for so long, he slowly, deliberately changed the moves. He started to push back. He asked his family to pay their portions of the bill at restaurants. He refused to give them money willy nilly.

And let me tell you: they did not like it.

Unfortunately for me, my husband had changed his tune right around the inception of our relationship. And his family, not believing for one second that he could have grown so defiant on his own, chose to blame me.

So yeah, that was a fun way to start things off.

For months, they whispered behind my back about how I wouldn’t “let” my then-boyfriend give them money (false) because I had gotten him his “cushy” job working for a global conglomerate financial institution through my law firm (false) and felt entitled to tell him how to spend his paycheck. False, false, false. Mind you, however, no one had the guts to say any of that nonsense to my face, or to his.

And then he asked me to marry him.

It wasn’t until my bridal shower, when none of the women of his family bothered to show up, that I became crushingly aware they harbored such ill feelings toward me. I was devastated.

That’s when it all came out—everything they had been saying and had believed about me that wasn’t true. And I’m not gonna lie. I didn’t take it well. I felt victimized and betrayed. I was angry at the unfairness of it all. And although my husband was fuming at his family and very squarely in my corner, I felt alone.

What I eventually learned from that experience, and what Meghan reminded me as she spoke so candidly to Oprah, is that it is vital in those moments to know who you are. But like, really know it, deep in your core.

You’re kind. You’re smart. You’re important. You can do hard things. You don’t give up easily.

When you know those things about yourself, no one can take them away from you. When you truly know who you are, you can center yourself in that certainty to draw strength. No matter what anyone else says about you.

Listen, girlfriend, people are probably gonna hate on you at some point in your life. Maybe they’ll be strangers who envy that you’re putting yourself out there and wanna put you down to feel better about themselves. Maybe they’ll be your own family. Being certain about who you are doesn’t necessarily make it hurt less. As Meghan showed us, it’s ok to feel the hurt. Even royals cry. But it does make it easier to see your choices.

We get to decide what we do with those experiences. We get to choose if we’re going to find the lesson and allow it to make us stronger. How we show up for ourselves is completely up to us.

A decade and two kids later, my in-laws and I get along better than I had thought possible. My husband released the elephant from the room, set them straight, and we haven’t looked back since.

OK, fine.

Every once in a blue moon, I look back. But I’m clear now on why I created that experience and what I took from it. I’m grateful for it, because it revealed a blind spot and gave me an opportunity to grow immensely.

And as Meghan so beautifully reminded the world, we all get those opportunities.

The next time you get one, my encouragement to you is to remember who you are. Choose to find the lesson in the hurt and to absorb the strength that comes with experiencing it.

Show up like a real-life princess. As it turns out, we’re not so different after all.

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How to Make Yourself a Priority (Without the Mom Guilt)

Posted on December 31, 2020 by Nikki Oden

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I used to feel like I was full of crap.

Outwardly, it seemed like I had a really successful home-based business, that I was spending tons of quality time with my kids and that I was giving my marriage the attention it deserved.

Truth?

I was working like a dog. If you want to think of work and life as two ends of a seesaw, my tush was firmly planted on the ground on the “work” side. There were a whole lot of trips to the park and museum I missed, lots of eating in the car, piles of laundry that didn’t get done, and more “mom fails” than I’d care to admit even to myself.

I hit rock bottom with my mom life when my kids were 6 and 4 (they’re 8 and 6 now). It was one of those mornings where everything that could go wrong did. By 7:15 am, I was ready to pull my hair out.

My son absolutely would not listen to me, which meant we were going to be late getting out the door. I knew that would snowball into being late getting my daughter to school, which would in turn delay me getting my son to daycare, and then I would be late getting myself to my part-time lawyer job. With each pout, foot stomp and furrow of the brows, I grew more and more impatient with my son, until finally, I lost my temper and yelled at him like a maniac. (And then, of course, I felt like a complete monster).

Whimpering, he got dressed and we got in the car, but we didn’t get to my daughter’s elementary school until the late bell was ringing. She was more anxious than any kindergartener should ever be as we pulled up to the front of the school, where they were about to close and lock the front door. Watching my sweet little girl trying to run to the door under the weight of her huge backpack—the very last student still outside the building—crushed me in a way I can’t explain. I felt like I had totally let her down.

That’s when I lost it. I broke down into hysterical tears in my car, in front of my son, who kept murmuring from his car seat, “It’s ok, Mommy. It’s ok. Don’t cry.”

It was in that moment I accepted the truth that God was waving in my face. Something had to change with the way I was managing everything on my plate.

I constantly felt spread thin. I felt like I wasn’t taking care of myself. And I felt like I was always letting someone down—on both sides of the seesaw.

And don’t even get me started on the mom guilt.

Do you ever feel that way, too?

I promise you, there is another way.

After that day, I started making some changes. Slowly, in bite-sized chunks, after a lot of trial and improvement, I figured out how to focus on what matters most in life, love, business and motherhood. I got a grip on my time. I discovered how to be more of what I want to be and do more of what I want to do.

And I want that for you.

Keep reading for the deets on what I’ve learned (and continue to study every single day). But first, a quick word on why this is important.

Why This Matters

Because you matter. You are the center of your household. And when you experience more presence, patience, and joy, that’s going to spill into everything you do.

Do you think your relationship with your kids would be better if you had more patience? Do you think your marriage would be even more solid if you felt good about yourself? One hundred per cent.

And don’t you want that? (Duh, of course you do). So with that as our backdrop, let’s get this party started.

1) Stop Lying to Yourself.

Can we moms all band together and just get over the guilt thing? For reals. Mom guilt is a lie we have been telling ourselves for so long that we actually believe it. But does mom guilt make us better moms? Nope.

Do you know what does? Taking care of yourself.

You have to make yourself a priority. Remember that safety training all airlines make you watch when you’re about to take off—the one about “the unlikely event” that the cabin loses pressure? What do they always tell you? Put your mask on first, then help others. Why?

If you aren’t functioning at your highest and best, you can’t show up for anyone else.

Refusing to make time for self-care because you’ve guilted yourself into believing that every waking moment of your life should be spent on everyone else first—your boss, your kids, your husband, your dog—is not serving you. You will eventually burn out, and you’ll probably build up a whole bunch of resentment too. (In the airplane example, you might even faint). And then what good are you to anyone, especially your kids?

Remember, the only way to show up as the best version of you—whether that’s with respect to parenting or nurturing your marriage or kicking ass at work—is to take care of yourself. Put yourself at the top of the list. Set aside time to mediate, to exercise, to read, journal or pray.

Put your mask on first.

2) Set Boundaries.

Let’s get something straight right now. Not everything matters equally. We’ve got to stop acting like it does. Deal?

Seriously, friend, this piece of the puzzle is absolutely essential. If you find that you’re always saying yes to everything, even when you don’t want to, start setting some boundaries right away. (No wonder you feel overwhelmed and spread thin!)

Look, I get it. In many ways, motherhood is an act of juggling–juggling the time you spend on your work or business with the time you want to spend on yourself and the time you want to spend with your kiddos and keeping your house clean, your family (happily) fed and your laundry done, just to name a few. It can feel as if you’re throwing one ball high into the air just to give yourself enough time to catch another ball as it’s plummeting to the ground. This is where boundaries come in.

To set proper boundaries, you need to get crystal clear on your priorities. (Side note: The best place I’ve seen this concept explained is in the book, The One Thing by Gary Keller and Jay Papasan. A must read!). To do that, start by imagining that each main area of your life is a “ball.” Let’s say your job is one ball; your business (if you have a side hustle or own your own business) is another ball; your family is another; your friends and important relationships are another; your health is another; and your spirituality is another. Maybe if you have a hobby or a passion, that would be another ball.

The key to setting boundaries is understanding which balls are made of rubber and which are made of glass.

Family, important relationships, health and spirituality are glass balls. And when you drop a glass ball, it will shatter. Sure, you can try to put it back together again, but it will never be the same. That’s why you must set boundaries that protect your glass balls.

A rubber ball, on the other hand, will always bounce back up when you drop it. Work and business are rubber balls. Yes, work is important because it allows us to feed and clothe our families, keep a roof over our heads, and enjoy certain luxuries. Your work may even be a huge passion of yours.

But is there only one way to make a living? Is there only one way to produce income? Nope. That’s what makes work a rubber ball. While there are any number of jobs you might have in your lifetime, you only have one body and one soul. And your kids? Well . . . I don’t need to tell you twice that there is absolutely no replacing them.

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Within each “major” glass ball and rubber ball are smaller glass and rubber balls. For example, at work, there may be items you need to treat as glass balls if you don’t want to get fired. On the flip side, with your family, there are plenty of items you can treat as rubber balls, like cooking every night or volunteering for the PTA bake sale. You get the idea. It all boils down to remembering that not everything matters equally, and when push comes to shove, remembering what matters most.

Once you are crystal clear on your priorities, setting boundaries that protect those glass balls becomes much easier. It also becomes a lot easier to see where we’re lying to ourselves or selling ourselves short. Because the truth, my friend, is when we say, “I don’t have time for that,” what we’re really saying is, “I choose not to make that a priority.” Remember that next time you’re tempted to brush off self-care or something for you because you “don’t have time” for it, and ask yourself if if you’re walking in alignment with your glass balls.

Now, if any of this boundary stuff sounds scary or overwhelming, don’t forget that it’s ok to start small. You can start with something as simple as setting a boundary around when you respond to texts, emails and phone calls that will ensure you’re always present with your family at meal time.

3) Speak to Yourself the Way You’d Speak to Someone You Love.

Yeah, I know. It’s easy to say you’re going to make yourself a priority and it’s easy to say you’re going to set boundaries. And maybe you’ve even gone the extra step of putting those promises in your calendar or setting alarms on your phone.

But when life happens and you wake up late or get slammed at work, aren’t the promises you made to yourself the first things you choose to ignore?

Yep. We’ve all been there.

So how do you actually keep those promises you make to yourself?

Well, you start by reminding yourself why all of this matters. Don’t forget why it’s important for you to make yourself a priority, and why you need to protect your glass balls.

Then, as with any goal, you’ve gotta start small. My recommendation? Start by making those calendar entries and alarms hard to ignore by changing the language you use for them. What I mean by that is instead of simply setting a reminder to “breathe” or “workout,” use words that will be powerful for you. Speak to yourself the way you would speak to someone you love. My favorite phrase is, “Choose yourself right now and [fill in the blank with what I promised myself I’d do].” Another effective one is, “Hi beautiful! Take some time right now to [fill in the blank with the promise you made to yourself].”

It sounds so simple (and it is!), but I promise you, it works. Try it. And the next time that alarm on your phone goes off, honor it. Keep the promises you make to yourself. Remember why this matters.

These three things will take you from feeling overwhelmed to rocking it in no time. Just stick with it. You’ve totally got this.

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What To Do When the Mean Girls Attack

Posted on November 20, 2020 by Nikki Oden

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When I became a legit adult—complete with my own home, car, checking account and fancy career—I thought all of that petty stuff I experienced as a teenage girl was behind me. You know what I mean. The cliques and the drama and the cat-fighting that are often the hallmarks of a woman’s adolescence.

And then . . . I became a mom.

Yeah, in theory we’re all adults, but sometimes in real life it can feel like we’re still in high school.

Very recently, a fellow “grown-up” was mean to me. On purpose. Hiding behind the anonymity the internet provides, she harshly criticized something I had created without providing any real feedback or basis for her opinion. She just wanted to hate on me, I guess. And it reminded me that those mean girls from high school are still around, and they’re still, well . . . mean.

You know what I’m talking about, right? Mean girl attacks happen all the time when you really think about it. Nasty reviews, rude comments on Facebook or Instagram and mom-shaming are all modern-day ways the mean girls attack. In my neck of the woods, two moms are even going at it with each other in federal court—over a dispute that started on the tennis court. (I can’t make this stuff up).

So what do you do when it happens to you? Well, I’m glad you asked. Here’s what my mean-girl slashings have taught me:

1. Experience Your Feelings.

Let’s be real. It sucks when someone is mean to you. It just plain doesn’t feel good. But as much as we’d all like to feel sunshine and butterfly kisses every day, the reality is that experiencing our lows is just as important as experiencing our highs. Truly, we couldn’t appreciate the good if we never experienced anything bad. So when someone is mean to you, be honest with yourself about how it feels. It’s ok to feel crappy about it. Don’t try to stuff it, resist it or push it aside. And definitely don’t distract yourself from feeling it. (Lying to yourself is never a good thing). Plus, as a friend and mentor once told me, pretending to be happy when you’re not is like painting over rust. The rust is still there, my friend.

Try a healthier (and more productive) approach: allow yourself to fully feel. Feel the anger, disappointment or hurt. Cry it out if you need to. Just remember that you get to decide how long you stay in that space. My advice? Fully experience it and then let it go.

I’m not gonna lie. After my recent brush with the anonymous mean girl, I definitely felt like someone had slapped me. I wallowed for a few hours in “I’m not good enough,” and “No one likes me,” and “Why am I even trying?”

And then . . . I let it go. I chose to remember the absolute truth that how someone on the internet rates me doesn’t change who I am. It definitely doesn’t dictate my future. I’ve got a lot to offer this world, and mark my words: I’m gonna.

And you know what, girlfriend? So are you.

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2. Find the Lesson.

Listen, as cliche as it sounds, there’s a lesson in every experience. It’s our job to find it. And not only for our own sakes, but also so we can guide our kids when this stuff happens to them. Because you know it will.

In my case, I learned a lot from my reaction. I realized just how important it is for me to be good at what I do—and to get validation from others that I’m good at what I do. I was desperate to know why the mean girl rated my work so poorly so I could rationalize it or defend myself in my own mind. The fact that she didn’t give me the satisfaction was bitterly disappointing.

But it also helped me to remember that not all criticism is created equal. Sometimes people criticize you because they’re truly trying to help you improve, or at the very least, want you to do better. Other times, they just wanna give you the finger.

My run-in with the mean girl was a great reminder that I can’t please everyone. Not everything I do or say is going to resonate and that’s ok. (No, really, it is ok). Let’s not ignore the majority of people who love and value you in favor of giving power and attention to the one who doesn’t.

I also learned not to make up stories in my head about why other people do the things they do. Seriously! When people don’t respond to your text messages or call you back; when they ignore your emails; when they give you bad ratings online, unfriend or unfollow you, don’t think for one second that you actually know why. In most cases, it ain’t got nothin’ to do with you. And let’s not forget. Some girls are just crabs in a bucket. They want to pull you down and keep you from rising up because they can’t stand the thought of someone else doing well. They just don’t believe they can shine if you do too.

Another thing I learned is that if I’m gonna stick it out as a content creator in this online world (and I fully intend to), I have to get used to people having opinions about what I create, and that those opinions won’t always be complimentary. Most of the time, their opinions won’t even give me much to go on. I have to draw on my own strength and self-worth to keep going. As one of my best friends said to me after the fact, weapons cannot be strong unless they move through intense heat and pressure. These bumps in my journey are applying heat and pressure to make me stronger.

Same goes for you, my friend. Unpleasant experiences are opportunities to grow. Plain and simple.

Finally, this whole thing taught me that I’ve probably been the mean girl to someone else. And chances are, so have you. Remember how it feels to be on the receiving end next time you’re tempted to dish it out. I know I will.

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3. Give Yourself the Win.

Just like there’s a lesson in every experience, there’s also (almost always) something good you can create from it too. Why not divert your energy and propel yourself into action? In my case, the mean-girl experience resulted in this post!

Next time you endeavor to be open and honest about who you are and what you have to offer, ask yourself, how can I create something worth criticizing? For real. Give yourself the win. Honestly, if you’re doing something that other people are bothering to criticize, you’re doing something right.

If you’re putting yourself out there, whether you’re starting your own business, crushing it as a direct seller, creating content or serving others in any way, you know it’s hard. It is not easy to wear your heart on your sleeve and literally bear your soul to the public at the risk of them trampling all over it.

But keep doing it.

Keep showing up. Keep giving it your all. Keep believing that you can do anything. Because you know what? You can.

Anyone can do anything, my friend. Why not you?

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How to Tame the Morning Whirlwind

Posted on August 16, 2020 by Nikki Oden

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Well. It’s that time of year again. We are heading back to school. In these unprecedented times, that means different things for all of us. Where I live (in Palm Beach County, Florida), “back to school” means mandatory distance learning from computers at home. In other areas, like where my friends live in Wisconsin and Montana, “back to school” means literally going back into the school building. Either way, it all has one universal meaning . . . the return of the weekday morning rush.

Seriously, what is it about weekday mornings that turns the best of us into total stressballs? On any given Saturday, the sun shines gloriously through kitchen windows everywhere as birds chirp happily and parents and kids alike are properly stuffed with pancakes. But on a Tuesday? Shoes mysteriously cannot be found, homework folders go missing and snacks of all kinds forget to make their way into backpacks. (Please tell me this stuff doesn’t only happen in my house). Compound all of those happenings with a kiddo who woke up with an attitude, and even the most diligent time-blocking ninja will find herself begging for mercy.

This irksome phenomenon is one of the sneakiest time-suckers known to mom-kind, and I have a name for it . . .

The Morning Whirlwind.

The thing that makes the morning whirlwind so beastly is that it happens, well, in the morning, which means one nasty spin through it can set the tone for your entire day. For me, a rough morning often translates to feeling less powerful, which means that honoring my well-intentioned time blocks takes serious motivation.

The good news is that the opposite is true—meaning that once you tame the morning whirlwind you can take back your day and your power. Double whammy! And the best news? It’s honestly not all that hard. (If I can do it—trust me, girlfriend—you can too). With a few simple tweaks, you can turn that whirlwind into a breeze.

Here’s how I play it:

Tip #1: Plan tomorrow’s outfit the night before.

If you’re going to be heading back out the door this fall, getting dressed is something you’re going to have to start thinking about again. And nothing robs you of your power faster than not knowing what to wear and wasting precious minutes trying on outfit after outfit when you could be doing something more productive, like, I don’t know, eating breakfast? That kind of furious outfit changing also often leads to a downward spiral into the land of “I have nothing to wear,” which is one stop before “Nothing looks good on me.” Both places are to be avoided! So when I say plan your outfit, I mean plan it to the last detail, including your accessories.

If you have a particularly hectic work week, consider planning your entire week’s outfits on Sunday night, before the mayhem of the week begins. This strategy is particularly effective when you first create a rotating uniform of sorts. The “uniform” should be comprised of several pieces that you know look great on you. Old faithfuls, I call them. I totally relied on my weekly uniform when I was going into the office where I lawyer twice a week. My “uniform” consisted of four dresses I feel great in. If I wanted to get creative and wear something off-uniform I certainly would. But if I had no idea what to wear, I fell back on the uniform. See how simple?

Planning what to wear the night before is also really effective for your kiddos. In my house, although we will not be heading out the door each morning this fall, my children are, by command of the principal, expected to be properly dressed in compliance with the school’s dress code. That means solid colored polo shirts and navy, black or khaki bottoms. To avoid any time-consuming, ear-splitting meltdowns, we mos’ def’ will be deciding on outfits the night before. Easy. Also, not time sucking. Score!

Tip # 2: Get a Leg Up on Breakfast Before You Go to Bed.

Even though this fall I get a reprieve from the added pressure of making sure my kids are at the bus stop by 7:31 am each morning, we are still expected to be ready for school on time. For us, distance learning will be conducted live via Zoom, which means my children are expected to be logged on and in front of their computers (yes, in dress code) by 8:00 am sharp. That also means they need to be fed before all of that happens. And since I’ll be awake with them, I might as well eat too.

I don’t know about you, but for me, scrambling in the kitchen trying to find blender parts or a clean bowl in an effort to serve breakfast whilst ensuring that the small humans in my house are brushing their teeth, getting dressed and heading downstairs on time for said meal is like, a major drag. If I haven’t figured out the breakfast puzzle ahead of time, more often than not, that story ends with hasty, open-mouthed scarfing of an unsatisfyingly small granola bar and a whole lot of grumbling (mostly from me).

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Why not instead plan breakfast time the way you would plan anything else? The night before, wash the dishes you know you’re going to need in the morning (which for me, always includes a Nutri-Ninja cup and blade) so they’re ready to go and easy to find. Fill the coffeemaker with water and make sure the filter is clean. Get the coffee beans in the grinder (or measure out the grounds and get them in the filter). I’m a protein shake kind of gal, so I’ll measure out the ingredients the night before, stick them inside the blending cup and pop the whole thing in the fridge with a lid. If your kids are old enough to help themselves, put bowls and spoons out on the counter and ensure that the milk and cereal are within reach in the fridge and pantry.

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Whatever you decide on, just know that the few minutes it takes before bed to get this stuff in order will be well worth it in the morning. Your mornings will be, if I may be so bold, easy. And don’t you love easy?

Tip # 3: Slay the Hair and Makeup Beast.

If you are going to be seen by your co-workers, this is where the rubber meets the road. Unless you’re bald and allowed to wear ginormous sunglasses to work, the hair and makeup beast is no joke. Even if you’re only attending meetings virtually via video chat, you know as a woman that you have to put forth some effort in the looks department, lest people think you’re ill or exhausted—or, ouch!—unprofessional.

In my opinion, there is no greater time sucker in the morning than the hours painstakingly spent on hair and makeup by womankind every day. I’ve tested a few tricks on myself over the years and have learned how to get ready in half the time it used to take me, and mind you, I have wavy hair that must either be deliberately curled or straightened but cannot be left to its own devices.

Number one on my best friend list: this wet-to-straight flat iron. It will literally take your hair from wet to dry and straight in one step. I find that it works best if your hair has been air drying for about 15 to 20 minutes which, of course, is the perfect time to be putting on that outfit that you already picked out and doing your makeup.

Now. A word on makeup. As a former sales director one of the largest skincare and cosmetics companies in the world, I know a thing or two about the stuff. And by that, I mean I know the absolute minimum amount of products and time you need to look like you made an effort. All it takes is an eyebrow pen (or brow-colored eye shadow and an angled brush), mascara and a tinted lip balm. For my money, I love Sugar Rose. It’s buttery smooth, super hydrating, and adds just enough color to make you look energized. Plus a mirror isn’t needed to apply it, which means you can slather it on quickly, even as you’re walking into your destination.

Eyebrows matter the most! If you have time for nothing else, fill in your eyebrows. Extra points if you can slap on some mascara. At the very least, you’ll look like you tried. You’ll also look awake, which is generally a good thing.

If I’m Not Going Anywhere, Does Any of This Stuff Really Matter?

Oh yes, my friend. How you do one thing is how you do everything, and when it comes to having an awesome day, what you create each morning is vital.

Don’t forget. Your kiddos are watching everything you do. Show them that the greatest thing they can ever do is love themselves by demonstrating that you love yourself. That means choosing to start each day feeling powerful and proud of who you are. Living as your highest and best self means not trading away your beauty and strength, even if you are stuck at home for the time being.

And bonus! It doesn’t have to take forever or be such a frenzied mess. Go on and tame that morning whirlwind, girlfriend! You got this.

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Raising Brave Kids

Posted on May 26, 2020 by Nikki Oden

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This is a review of an amazing children’s book my friend wrote. But before I get to that, I need to give you some back story.

I do affirmations with my kids. It dawned on me one day when they were really little that some day, in the distant future, mean kids might tell my adorable, sweet, innocent little babies that they’re dumb. Or weird. Or bad at sports. You know—the stuff You-Can’t Monsters are made of. And in that moment of realization, I actually felt offended and mad. I was all, “Aw, heck no!” (Please tell me I’m not the only woman who goes mama bear over situations that haven’t actually happened yet).

Anyhoo, the whole experience got me thinking . . . how can I prepare them for the inevitable trials of youth and adolescence—for the mean girls and the merciless boy hazing? How do I prepare them for the stuff beyond all that, like the scariness of choices and trying something new and putting yourself out there?

I’m not sure any mom can fully prepare her kids for rejection and failure and, you know . . . high school. But a girl can try.

I settled on affirmations.

And so, since they were little I have told them every day,“You are smart, kind, important. You can do hard things. You don’t give up easily.” As they got bigger we added a few to the list, like “I try new things” (that one was very useful for when we were introducing new foods), but no matter what, we always end with, “You’re brave. You’re powerful.”

Now that my kids are old enough to have real conversations and real opinions, I don’t have to say the affirmations to them anymore. Instead I say, “Tell me who you are.” And they say the affirmations to me. Sometimes they say them begrudgingly, with a little eye roll, but by the time they get to the end of the list, I always get a robust and authentic, “I’m POWERFUL!”

It’s like, totally adorable. And tear-jerking. And it makes my heart burst with pride.

That’s why I love it when I meet like-minded moms who are creating stuff to build kids up from a young age. One such mom is Ruth Soukup, New York Times bestselling author, seven-figure blogger and creator of Living Well Spending Less, The Elite Blog Academy and Do It Scared. She sounds fancy, right? Well, she is! And I’ve been blessed to work with her personally and get to know her better.

Ruth has a fierce passion for helping people break out of their comfort zones so that they can be and do everything they were created for and live out their God-given potential. At her core, she’s a mama, just like me and you, and she’s recently taken what she knows about fear and goal crushing and made it consumable for kiddos in her book, How Big Is Your Brave?

The story follows a young bunny named Zippy, whose dream in life is to become an astronaut and travel to outer space. When she learns about a local space camp, however, she is overcome by fear, and hesitates to sign up because she’s afraid she won’t be good enough. But with some encouragement from her brother, she does sign up, even though she’s terrified that space camp will be difficult. (This is the part when I look at my kids and remind them, “But we can do hard things, right?” To which they nod and reply, “Yep.”)

Zippy quickly starts to relax and excel in space camp, and the day before it’s over she’s proud to show her brother the amazing rocket ship she’s been working on, which she’s going to present to the rest of her class the following day. But an unfortunate series of accidents leads to her ship being almost completely destroyed, and Zippy is heavily discouraged and ready to quit. Her dad reminds her that how she responds to adversity is a choice (I always pause here to remind my own kids that everything in life, especially how we react, is a choice), and Zippy decides to start over and work on fixing her rocket ship so it’s ready for the next day’s presentation. (This is the part when I say to my kids, “We don’t give up easily, do we?” And they say, “Nope!”)

The next day, Zippy presents her rocket ship and earns herself a blue ribbon for creativity and second place overall. She learns that courage means taking action even when you’re scared, and that most of the time, success lies on the other side of fear.

Y’all, I love this book. I love that my kids love it and that they ask my husband and I to read it to them. Most of all, I love that it affirms for them everything I’ve been telling them for years. And yeah, I’ll admit it: it’s a great reminder for me in my own life, too.

From one mom to another, I highly recommend that you check it out! Read it with your kids. Heck, read it for yourself. No doubt, we could all use a little encouragement right now, and this story is a lovely dose.

And while you’re at it, think about where fear is keeping you from stepping into your own greatness. Raising brave kids starts with being brave yourself, right? Well, if you’re being totally honest, what’s your “space camp?” Is it starting a new business? Writing a book? Losing 25 pounds? Whatever it is, trust yourself. Channel your inner Zippy. Just take one step, and the next step will reveal itself.

Truly, girlfriend, that dream wouldn’t be on your heart if you didn’t have what it takes to achieve it. Anyone can do anything.

Why not you?

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